Why are you so stubborn? If you weren’t do you think that would make me think you were easy? Please, nothing about our relationship has ever been easy, at least not for a long time. Its taken every ounce of my emotional strength to continue loving you the same after every time you cut me down. I didn’t deserve any of that and you know it.
Have you romanticized the past so much you don’t see how truly fucked up we are? I am literally scared of you. Does that make you feel strong, or tough? You don’t make me feel like a man. I don’t see that as being something wrong with me. You’ve hurt me so badly, so many times. And I still love you, and I would no matter what. Is that not clear to you? How many times have I shown up for you despite how you’ve treated me? 100? Probably more. I’ve ALWAYS come back to you, because I’ve never stopped loving you. I just don’t think you get it, where we’re really at.
I don’t trust you. That actually probably hurts me more to say that than for you to hear it. Trust is earned, not given. Why should I trust you? You’ve taken advantage of my kindness over and over again, mopped the floor with my emotions. I don’t feel like you’ve ever really been there for me, when I really needed you. You, who I’ve always wanted to confide in more than anyone else. I couldn’t even tell you my mother was dying. I just assumed you would think I was trying to manipulate you into being nice to me. You know my struggles with depression started a long time before I met you, I told you about that pretty early on. Being with you, even just in the same vicinity as you is the only thing that’s ever given me peace and true joy. And you took that away from me. Its almost like you were trying to destroy me.
I don’t think you understand how much you’ve really affected my sense of self-worth. Maybe that’s on me, for tying that up so much with our relationship. I just know that I have never worked so hard for something, I have never completely poured my heart and soul into wanting something the way I have wanted you. And when your actions tell me ‘that’s not good enough’ or ‘you’re not good enough’, its devastating. It makes me feel like I’m not nearly as good as I believe, and that I will never achieve any of my dreams. You’ve actually laughed in my face before, at my efforts and intentions. I just wanted to die.
The past is the past, and I want to believe we’ve both grown since all of that. I still love you as much as I ever have, maybe even more. For everything negative espoused in this letter, there’s another side of you, loving and nurturing and kind. That’s the person I fell in love with, even with all the other stuff attached. I need to see that person again. Its been way too long.
Its time for you to start showing up for me. In a big way. This isn’t about me being right and you being wrong or anything like that. Its about both of us accepting our mistakes and working together to fix this. I really don’t feel like you’re willing to commit yourself like that. There is really only one way you can prove me wrong, and in the process prove I was always right about you. And that’s why it has to be this way.
Please don’t take too long. Every day you wait is a day we never get back.
I love you so much 🙂