In the past year I havent attempted to date anyone. For an entire year, I’ve only been out with friends 4 times. I’ve spent every holiday alone, lying in bed crying and hurting. I learned this past year that if you cry hard enough it will literally make you sick, too sick to get out of bed. I’ve learned it’s possible to hurt so much it almost seems feasible to die of it. Cry? I’ve never cried this much in my life. I’ve called into work because my eyes have been so swollen from crying so much I look like someone hit me. I learned a cool compress works wonders but it can only do so much.
and you say you love me?
For an entire year it’s been the same thing, you party all weekend with your friends, i’ve seen the pictures, don’t bother to try to lie. Only to come crawling back to me on Sunday when the pary was over. I allowed you to come back every time. I’ve allowed you to do unspeakable things to me.
and you say you love me?
If me telling you how you’ve made me feel is ‘playing the victim’ than maybe you should take a good hard look at how you’ve treated me.
If you live in such fear of me telling anyone, even my closest friends, about the things you’ve done, than maybe that should tell you something about your behavior. If you treat someone so badly that you don’t want anyone to know … that says a lot.
You have yelled at me for EVERYTHING anyone could possibly do.. i wish that were an exaggeration.
You yelled at me for Standing up. literally for standing up. I was sitting down and than i stood up… and you FOUND a reason to YELL at me for it!! You can literally find any excuse to raise your voice and find fault with every single thing i do…. literally, everything.
Standing up, walking…
oh, yes you yelled at me for walking too, I was so wrong for walking sexy to get attention…. There’s no way to walk like john wayne in a pair of stilettos, you dick!!
You yelled at me for how i dressed! I bought those clothes with MY money, not yours, but you yelled at me for dressing myself the way I want to! Im a grown woman!!
You yelled at me for kissing you!! I got a ‘lecture’ about how i kissed you for the wrong reason….. we were in a bar together and i kissed you AND you yelled at me, seriously?
You yelled at me for admitting I had broken plans with family in order to spend time with you!! You didnt yell at me for breaking those plans, you yelled at me because I told you about it. Sorry, god forbid. its ok if i ditch my family last minute because you wanted to see me, but I damn well better not make you feel any kind of way about it by burdening you with it?? are you serious?? you douche!
You yelled at me for telling ‘everyone’ about the shit youve done, I told my roommate, you think I managed to muffle every sobbing fit ive had in the past year? I was asked point blank if I was being abused, and as embarrassed as i was to admit to anything I was already at one of the lowest points in my life and I was already broken, it only took that question to start me spilling my guts and it took all i had to bite back the worst of the things you’ve done, things im too ashamed to admit even anonymously that I ALLOWED!!
and you still claim to love me?
I asked you all the while to stop yelling at me, I come from a very abusive childhood, maybe thats why ive allowed this… but i never have before.. i never took a bit of grief from anyone before.. If anyone ever yelled at me before, i walked smooth the fuck out and didnt look back… I have not allowed the cycle of abuse to continue into my adult life, until now… I told you that I went to see a shrink.. you said that it made you feel pretty damn good to know I needed to see a shrink to get over you… you really are a POS. I’m going back to see someone about this.. but its not to get over you because you were just so great that I cant let go.
Its because you were such a monster I can’t get over all the pain and damage you’ve done to me…. I wouldnt be surprised if the diagnosis is going to be PTSD because I feel as if Ive been living in hell for a year and I am not the person I once was…
I loved that person, the one i was…
Someday you may come toe-to-toe with the monster you accused me of being… that monster is going to be your karma, created by your own dark impulses. It is going to rip the heart out of you and leave you sobbing in a pool of your own tears because thats what you have put out into the universe, thats been your sweet gift to the world and its gonna boomerang right back to you. Part of me wants to see that day more than anything.. but the part of me that remembers who I used to be… the freespirit you crushed… i want to be her again, and it would break her heart to see anyone, even you, (even you who brought it upon yourself).. go through that torment.
The moment i tried to stand up for myself, to break away from you, you prayed on my loving nature, and cried out that i didnt love you… and I, the fool, I would take you back to show you again how much i did…. it wont work next time, because maybe I didnt love you… allowing someone to tear you apart.. thats not love, thats a sign of some deep sickness that might need medication to fix!! So yeah, cry that I dont love you, I wont claim I did anymore, whatever it is that kept me tied to you? it couldnt have been love. so when that doesnt work, im sure you think you’re sweet parting words to me.. the dramatic exit… you towering over me, leaning down like you were going to kiss my cheek..only to .. surprise surpise.. yell in my ear “I loved you, you stupid bitch” and walk out…. yeah, i’ll always remember you that way. always yelling. So go, yell your fucking head off now.. i’m done listening
find someone else to tear down, find someone else to bring to their knees, someone else to ‘play the victim’ in your drama. I’m going to move on and play the part this heart of mine was always meant to.. the lead in a love story