• Thank you for the opportunity.

    by  • July 7, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Miss You • 0 Comments

    Dear Robert,
    I never imagined you and I, out of all the people in this world, would go through something so devastating as we did. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Eventually, I realized I couldn’t save us. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but I loved you so much. Throughout the past year when we were together, we created the most beautiful memories. We climbed all the way to the top together, only to slip and fall as soon as we got there. And though I may have contributed to that fall, I tried so hard to hold on to you but I couldn’t undo what had been done. Sometimes, though, we have to accept the unexpected, like losing you may have been the most painful experience of my life, but it made me stronger than ever. It somehow made life feel real. I guess it goes without saying that you made all of that feel real for me, I wanted nothing more than to be the best girlfriend. All those things I wanted, I couldn’t imagine with anyone but you…our relationship together, when it was just the two of us alone — it was like Disney World. We ran carefree in this theme park we call life. Holding each others’ hands, we laughed, loved, and we were in awe of everything we experienced. We were children with dreams, but eventually, though, those roller coasters stopped. The music died down, the lights shut off, and our magical journey came to an abrupt halt. You were gone. Suddenly, everything that was so familiar felt so foreign. I felt a little lost. All I had left were my memories and dreams of us that I knew would never come true. There’s nothing more important to me than your happiness, and knowing you have that means the world to me. Our lives took different paths, but that can never take away from the memories we shared. You were kind of like a best friend. There when I needed, help me with anything no matter what it was. You looked out for me and you were honest with your opinion on things. I wanted so much more for the both of us. I’m not perfect, and I never want people to think that I am. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve done things I’m not proud to admit, and I’ve made decisions I wish I could take back. But I loved someone with every bone in my body, with every beat of my heart and every inch of my soul. It wasn’t perfect, but I know for sure I loved with everything I had. I loved in such a way that your happiness was always mine. And I’m thankful for that, but also I’m disappointed we never got to finish writing our happily ever after, but I’ll never be angry. I’ll never hate you, and I’ll never be dishonest about my emotions. God gave me this amazing opportunity to love. It brought me to so many beautiful places, taught me so much about life and gave me memories I’ll cherish forever. How can I ever be angry about that?. I mean… it does hurt to feel like I was nothing, just another girl. But in reality to me… I lost so much more. Writing this brings sadness in my eyes. I’m still very shocked and heartbroken by your actions. They say the first cut is the deepest and I guess it really is because I feel that even when I do move on, I’ll always be hurt by you. You were my first love, my best friend and my confidant. Before I met you I was careless and cold, but then I came across you and we clicked. We were really close. I never thought I would have fallen in love with you so hard. We were inseparable and no one could have come between us. (AT FIRST). We had many good times and memories with each other. It may not have been the biggest memories in the world but just us being around each other and being able to just talk and laugh was good enough for me. I really felt like the happiest girl in the world when I was around you. I know that as time went by we started to have our arguments and I can admit that I wasn’t the best girlfriend in the world and messed up at times…..but which relationship never had obstacles. I was never unfaithful to you but I know I said some hurtful things at times when I was angry. I understand that everyone can deal with things for so long but the way you acted was as though I did you the worst way in the world. You messed up too but I would have never given up on you. You broke up with me and never really looked back, the same person you said you so loved. It hurts that you easily walked away. After being in a relationship with you for almost two years, how was it so easy to just walk away. I still cannot comprehend after all these months apart how a man can invent a trustworthy innocent character for himself and pretend to be that character for a year and some months to then show his true colors. I will never forgive you for the manner in which you got rid of me from your life & the way you went about it, how you did everything. I seriously hope a day comes when your conscious awakens and regrets your decision. But first there are a few things that I never had the opportunity to tell you. Every time I called you, I looked forward to hearing you answer the phone. You would say “hey” in this voice that sound so innocent, funny and so loving. And it never changed. It always reminded me of the beginning of our relationship and all of the reasons I fell in love with you. Who would have thought something so simple could be so powerful? It’s what made you unique. Remember all the times you yelled at me when I was looking at you or annoyed you? You’d ask me why, and I would either laugh or get angry because you had this “sass” about you. I looked at you because I thought you were the most beautiful thing in the world. I didn’t care about anything, I’d look at you and get lost in your eyes, laugh and your smile. Whatever flaws you believed you had, I loved…like your teeth. If I ever said for one second that I didn’t have some type of feelings for you. Of course I do, I was being selfish because I wanted to kiss you, come over and lay in your bed with you. I couldn’t help it. Your personality is so great to me, but this is the worst part…. We’re just on two different levels. I wish you could care about me the way I do. Did you have any idea what I would’ve done for you. Chances are if you asked me to jump I’d ask how high. I can’t keep feeling like this though, it hurts. Thinking about you hurts because over the last month or two I have come to the realization you will never feel the same, you just don’t. I can’t blame you, I’m sure you have plenty of reasons why….but I still miss you, not by choice believe me. I want to be over you, I really do. I have wanted to be for so long now and it’s just killing me. I don’t want to think about you before I fall asleep, I don’t want to remember the talks we used to have and laugh about them, I don’t want any of it anymore. I want someone to just take it all away so maybe there would be a small chance I could forget you and move on. I’m sure you know what it is like to want to be with someone so badly but you mean so little to them or they don’t feel the same way. Can you imagine feeling that for months. It’s almost driven me mad, fuck it- it’s made me feel worthless… I’m trying so hard not to be selfish about this whole thing. Who knows, you might have met someone else all over again, like you have for the past 6 months, yet it still kills me a little inside but if that’s the case I hope she appreciates you as much as I do and more. I hope she makes you happy, and supports your ideas and your goals, just like how I would if you would have just opened up to me more and maybe let me be a part of your world. But you didn’t, and I’m not a part of your life I guess. Maybe you want it that way, I don’t know. I know i have made some bad mistakes- okay, horrible ones. I know I can be clingy, self-centered, and just plain stupid sometimes. But when I would be around you, I wanted to be my best and I felt at home with you than I ever did. This brings me back to the whole retarded, unfair, unobtainable love thing. I do, I really did love you. I loved the sound of your voice, your laugh, I love hearing your thoughts on certain conflicts, I love how strong you were. You would think that since maybe I feel like this then I most likely regret my last visit. I don’t, not at all. Sure, it’s made things all that more difficult to deal with and I’m still left with a lot of questions but I’m glad I got to be with you that night. for so long I wanted just one night to be with you and be happy and I got to. I felt like the the luckiest person in whole world. I think there’s a good chance I will always think about you one way or another. I’ve tried blocking you out, but I know now that it won’t work. I just hope time heals faster than it usually does and I won’t have to feel lonely and broken anymore. I really want you to be happy, I really do. I’d just prefer it to be with me, but people in hell want ice water too…I know you’ll be amazing, and happy, and successful someday and I can’t wait to hear about it. I’m Still your friend if you want me to be & I hope one day you will realize I did truly care for you. Refusing to give up on you. All I wanted from you was a chance to prove myself. If you would’ve let me but instead I lost a piece of me that I will never get back. So take good care of it. I see that our worlds need to fall apart, so that we can put them back together the way they were meant to be. Goodluck & Goodbye

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