I don’t even know who I’m writing this letter to. Maybe to myself? To try and sort out my head?
I feel like I can’t talk to anybody about this. Me, who has always been so judgmental about that phenomena that so far I’ve only heard about – being in love with two people at the same time. Me, who has always said that I don’t believe in this. Me, who has always said that if you truely loved the first person, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.
But, sometimes life just doesn’t work that easy.
Back in September 2013, I met a man. I had just come out of a relationship with somebody who thought everything else was more important than me and who never made me a priority. However, I was in a foreign country and without a lot of friends, living on my own, so I felt very lonely. And that is when I met him for the first time. Let’s just call him A for the time being. A was – or is – super successful in his professional life. And in his private life, in raising his son on his own, without a mother, I’d say he’s pretty successful too. But of course he was extremely busy. And the fact that he took time out of his busy life to see me, felt very special. We met with no strings, having talked about that from the start and we were both happy with it as it suited us both best.
We had great times. Rare and in between but when we did, sneaking away for a long weekend or just spending it in his house, our time was magical. But then, just before Christmas we met again for a wonderful long special weekend. We both knew things between us had changed. It felt different. And he instantly started to distance himself. We didn’t talk about it. But at the end of January, we met for the last time. And he just disconnected. Didn’t reply anymore. No explanation. No goodbye. No nothing. He just disappeared.
And I suffered. I suffered and told myself it was all my fault. After all we had agreed on no strings. There was nothing to be sad about. He didn’t owe me anything. But that didn’t make it easier. For a while I stayed in and kept myself away from the world.
But then the summer came.
And in June I met somebody else. Let’s name him B. We clicked instantly. I had a good feeling. It was a nice change that he instantly talked about not seeing other people and wanted to be exclusive and date and be in a relationship. The first four weeks were magical and we were barely apart and never longer than a day or two. But after four weeks he had to admit things. He was still living in the same house as his (ex) wife, although staying in the guest rooms already for three years. And there was a lot more to it. We talked and worked through it. In September he moved in with me but trouble had only started.
It was very difficult. He said he loved me and I loved and still love him, but times were hard. Going through his divorce and fighting about visiting rights for his son and stress and work and a history of depression was hard to deal with. I tried and fought so hard. So so hard. He got signed of work because of his depressions and inability to deal with things. Money got really tight.
But then Christmas came and New Years and it was nice. Then at the end of January the shock. He said he didn’t love me and wasn’t sure he could ever love. But he was still living with me and I was trying. Trying and trying.
In between I heard from A. He was moving to a different continent, back to his home country. I still don’t know why he let me know. What made him tell me. It did make me thing. Memories came up. Of our good times. How easy everything was. But he moved and that was it.
And I continued my fight, trying to still be supportive and there for him. Fast forward to the end of April and B said he’d loved me. Said that he had been thinking and finally was able to admit it to himself that he did love me. We moved quite a while away from where we met and his ex was, to at least get a bit of distance between us and everything else that was going on.
And it’s been good. It was the right decision to move. Money is still very tight as I’m unemployed after graduating and he’s still not back at work, but we’re working on it. Since he said that he loves me, he’s changed. No more lies. No more going behind my back. He’s very attentive to all my needs and how I’m feeling and that sometimes I still get all moody about everything that happened during our first year. But we’re in a much better place.
And it’s great. I can totally and completely be myself. With all my quirks and flaws and wheezing laugh when I find something ridiculously funny. I can be weak and cry and just spend a day in bed when my chronically illness kicks off. We know each other inside out by now and there’s nothing to hide. And I do love him. I feel it when I look at him.
Of course there’s a but. A little while back, A got back in touch. That as time and distant grew between us, he felt lost and finally had to admit it to himself and myself that he loves me and wants to marry me so we can be together. Completely out of the blue he told me. And that he disappeared because he was so scared. Too afraid to fall and let go of the control over his heart and life.
The downside of A is that I always feel like I need to be perfect. I guess it is good in a way though. He challenges me to be my best. But I feel like I have to be strong and can’t be weak. Maybe I could though. I don’t know. He makes me aspire to be my best self, physically and mentally and in all aspects of my life. I guess it’s not a bad thing that money would never be a worry again either …
And I don’t know what to do. I do love them both, I know that. And they love me both. But I can only be with one. Fact is, I’ll have to break a heart. I just don’t know who’s ….
B and I have been through so much together. Is it worth throwing it away? A has always been so special to me. He means so much to me.
I don’t know. I just don’t know.