• A, B? So confused ….

    by  • July 7, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 3 Comments

    Dear ?

    I don’t even know who I’m writing this letter to. Maybe to myself? To try and sort out my head?
    I feel like I can’t talk to anybody about this. Me, who has always been so judgmental about that phenomena that so far I’ve only heard about – being in love with two people at the same time. Me, who has always said that I don’t believe in this. Me, who has always said that if you truely loved the first person, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.
    But, sometimes life just doesn’t work that easy.

    Back in September 2013, I met a man. I had just come out of a relationship with somebody who thought everything else was more important than me and who never made me a priority. However, I was in a foreign country and without a lot of friends, living on my own, so I felt very lonely. And that is when I met him for the first time. Let’s just call him A for the time being. A was – or is – super successful in his professional life. And in his private life, in raising his son on his own, without a mother, I’d say he’s pretty successful too. But of course he was extremely busy. And the fact that he took time out of his busy life to see me, felt very special. We met with no strings, having talked about that from the start and we were both happy with it as it suited us both best.

    We had great times. Rare and in between but when we did, sneaking away for a long weekend or just spending it in his house, our time was magical. But then, just before Christmas we met again for a wonderful long special weekend. We both knew things between us had changed. It felt different. And he instantly started to distance himself. We didn’t talk about it. But at the end of January, we met for the last time. And he just disconnected. Didn’t reply anymore. No explanation. No goodbye. No nothing. He just disappeared.

    And I suffered. I suffered and told myself it was all my fault. After all we had agreed on no strings. There was nothing to be sad about. He didn’t owe me anything. But that didn’t make it easier. For a while I stayed in and kept myself away from the world.
    But then the summer came.

    And in June I met somebody else. Let’s name him B. We clicked instantly. I had a good feeling. It was a nice change that he instantly talked about not seeing other people and wanted to be exclusive and date and be in a relationship. The first four weeks were magical and we were barely apart and never longer than a day or two. But after four weeks he had to admit things. He was still living in the same house as his (ex) wife, although staying in the guest rooms already for three years. And there was a lot more to it. We talked and worked through it. In September he moved in with me but trouble had only started.

    It was very difficult. He said he loved me and I loved and still love him, but times were hard. Going through his divorce and fighting about visiting rights for his son and stress and work and a history of depression was hard to deal with. I tried and fought so hard. So so hard. He got signed of work because of his depressions and inability to deal with things. Money got really tight.

    But then Christmas came and New Years and it was nice. Then at the end of January the shock. He said he didn’t love me and wasn’t sure he could ever love. But he was still living with me and I was trying. Trying and trying.

    In between I heard from A. He was moving to a different continent, back to his home country. I still don’t know why he let me know. What made him tell me. It did make me thing. Memories came up. Of our good times. How easy everything was. But he moved and that was it.

    And I continued my fight, trying to still be supportive and there for him. Fast forward to the end of April and B said he’d loved me. Said that he had been thinking and finally was able to admit it to himself that he did love me. We moved quite a while away from where we met and his ex was, to at least get a bit of distance between us and everything else that was going on.

    And it’s been good. It was the right decision to move. Money is still very tight as I’m unemployed after graduating and he’s still not back at work, but we’re working on it. Since he said that he loves me, he’s changed. No more lies. No more going behind my back. He’s very attentive to all my needs and how I’m feeling and that sometimes I still get all moody about everything that happened during our first year. But we’re in a much better place.

    And it’s great. I can totally and completely be myself. With all my quirks and flaws and wheezing laugh when I find something ridiculously funny. I can be weak and cry and just spend a day in bed when my chronically illness kicks off. We know each other inside out by now and there’s nothing to hide. And I do love him. I feel it when I look at him.

    Of course there’s a but. A little while back, A got back in touch. That as time and distant grew between us, he felt lost and finally had to admit it to himself and myself that he loves me and wants to marry me so we can be together. Completely out of the blue he told me. And that he disappeared because he was so scared. Too afraid to fall and let go of the control over his heart and life.

    The downside of A is that I always feel like I need to be perfect. I guess it is good in a way though. He challenges me to be my best. But I feel like I have to be strong and can’t be weak. Maybe I could though. I don’t know. He makes me aspire to be my best self, physically and mentally and in all aspects of my life. I guess it’s not a bad thing that money would never be a worry again either …

    And I don’t know what to do. I do love them both, I know that. And they love me both. But I can only be with one. Fact is, I’ll have to break a heart. I just don’t know who’s ….
    B and I have been through so much together. Is it worth throwing it away? A has always been so special to me. He means so much to me.
    I don’t know. I just don’t know.

    3 Responses to A, B? So confused ….

    1. E
      July 7, 2015 at 1:26 pm

      As someone who cheated on her own partner In the past, with a guy like A, I urge you to stick with B. A only wants what he can’t have. If he truly cared for you, then he would have been committed from the start, not just when you found someone else. If you leave B for him, I guarantee he will drop you like a hot potato, or at least backtrack on how committed he claims he wants to be. If men don’t want a full relationship with you from the start, they will never deliver.
      B took a while to say the L word, but that just means he is likely to be genuine when he says it, since everything he did befote suggests he wants a committed relationship with you. Crucially, unlike A, B didn’t need to see you move on with a new man in order to realise this. Where A is concerned, you should be extremely sceptical and aware that this is likely to be more about his own ego than any genuine feelings for you. Don’t repeat my mistakes by ditching a good guy like B for a future faker like A.

    2. You're not alone stranger...
      July 7, 2015 at 8:32 pm

      I have found myself in a similar.situation… Similar but my “A” doesn’t admit to loving me. I am married to “B”. Regardless of who loves who, you have to look at who is best for you. Who will be there holding your hand when the doctor tells you cancer is gonna beat you? Who will give you the attention you need and deserve? Who would fight a wild animal to save you or jump in front of a bullet for you? Who will go out of his way for you when you forget your food at work? Who do you satisfy? Who do you want to see last when you close your eyes for the final time? I too ask and have asked myself these questions. I have the benefit of knowing that my ‘A” is a broken man who has spent.his life pleasing only himself with all the money in the world at his disposal. My “B” has proven all of the above to me over the years. He may not be the wealthiest or the best looking, has little.ambition and cares very little about.money….but I feel confident he is the right choice.

      I must admit my choice hasn’t made everything easy or fixed my heart. My soul longs for my “A’. I think constantly about him. It feels like everything in the world is connected to him! I cry still and my chest aches because of my stupid love for ‘A’! It doesn’t seem right to feel that way about him because he is not whom I choose….I would have been stupid in love and had chosen him if he had told me.he loved me more than once. But let’s.fàce it…..I would have felt I could never be enough for him. He can have anyone. I would never have been happy with him. I know that in my head…..now how do you tell a heart which doesn’t have a brain?

      Hang in there. I’m hanging in there too….you arent alone. I hope I have at least helped you feel a little more normal in this crazy situation.

    3. This is my letter
      July 8, 2015 at 12:58 pm

      Thanks for the heads up! Feels good knowing that I’m not alone!

      Ah well, if only it was that easy. In A’s defence, he doesn’t even know that there is a B in the picture. But who knows? Maybe he still just wants what he lost? I don’t know ….

      And things with B have been difficult.
      Yes he said in September that he loved me. But he had lied about being broken up with his wife for example. They never had a talk about it and just because he slept in the guest room for years he thought it was over. She didn’t as it turned out later. He apologised to me and admitted it.
      The pressure of divorce and everything made him completely go off the rail for a good eight weeks. He wouldn’t come home after work but go out every night and get drunk and turn up in the middle of the night. Every night for two months. Then one Saturday night he came back crying and apologised and admitted he needed help. We have been working on his drinking for a long time and sometimes he still struggles.

      As mentioned at the end of January he told me he didn’t love me anymore. That of course has changed. But in between was so hard. He’s been constantly lying to me, signing up on dating websites, talking and sexting with other women, even though I do know for a fact he never actually met up with anyone. But of course it hurt. And he lied about it. But then, we women always find out, don’t we? I don’t know how many times he’s apologised, but still – all the lies from our first year don’t really help in establishing trust. Even though he nowadays shows me everything he does on his phone. Oh dear …

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