• You were never my friend

    by  • July 6, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    We had become good friends, so I’ll never understand why you wanted to risk ruining our friendship by sleeping with me, if you were only after my body.

    I’d come to know you through a shared hobby. I wasn’t attracted to you for the first few years that we knew each other, but I had always enjoyed your company. You are shy, but also thoughtful and sensitive to the needs of others – or so I thought.

    Subtly, you started to add things in conversation which led me to question if you were flirting, and then, one day, when we were chatting online, you made a comment that left me in no doubt. My initial reaction was to respond in a way that suggested that I thought you were joking. However, your comment made me realise that I, too, liked you as more than a friend and so, five minutes later, I backtracked and sent you a more encouraging message. The problem was, while I had genuine feelings for you, you only ever wanted to f*** me. Were you ever my friend, or were you just biding your time in the hopes of one day sleeping with me?

    I should have seen the red flags. You are shy and quiet in person, but once I opened the floodgates with my message you, you almost aggressively pursued an increasingly sexual line of conversation with me. I can see now, how badly I misinterpreted this. I happily played along and I thought it was nice; a sign your trust in me — that you felt free to show this other side of yourself when you are usually so shy. I now realise, that the shy front that you present may just be a façade to gain women’s trust and the other side is who you truly are.

    You wanted us to meet up, but it all felt too fast for me and I chickened out. I had already been hurt by a mutual friend of ours (actually- no longer a friend of mine) who had used me for sex — the previous year. I explained to you that I didn’t want to go there with you because it could end up in a mess, like it did with when I slept with him. I told you about my history with him because I didn’t want to get hurt again and I hoped the knowledge that I’d already slept with your friend would put you off.

    It didn’t, and instead you said that you understood and that if I ever changed my mind then you’d still be open to exploring something with me. Naturally, however, your conversations with me tapered off a bit after this. I missed you, and I rationalised that you were too nice to treat me like the other guy did: He is obnoxious and arrogant, whereas you are reserved and often go out of your way to help people.

    A week later, I told you I had changed my mind. You seemed to want to avoid me hating you, as happened with our friend, so you were honest in saying that you had other casual arrangements. I don’t expect instant commitment/exclusivity from anyone that early on, so that didn’t bother me. What I didn’t realise, however, was that you had already started a serious relationship with another woman. I was only ever your side dish from the outset. Had I known this, I would not have continued as I would never have agreed to something that was guaranteed to hurt me.

    You messaged me every day for almost 2 weeks, and most of it was sexual. We hadn’t even slept together yet, but you kept asking me to agree to do something that I wasn’t comfortable with. Given long enough, I would have ended up doing it for you, but I am glad that I didn’t. We did, however, sleep together. I have never had a guy stare me in the eyes that intently, during, nor be so attentive, but I suppose that’s just part of your act.

    While you did message me the next day, predictably, and as I had feared, your interest in me almost dissipated overnight. You’d made some half-hearted allusion to wanting to sleep with me again – maybe – at some point in the future, but no date. After a few days to think about it, I realised that I had been used, and you had got what you wanted, and so I told you I wanted to end our “arrangement” as casual relationships made me feel cheap.

    I think you wanted to feel like you hadn’t been an arsehole, as you tried to go back to talking to me as a friend. You brought up the other guy, and asked why I no longer spoke to him. You even ventured “but we’re still friends, right?” – wanting me to absolve you of any guilt and reassure you that you were not like him. In the next few weeks, however, it became apparent that you were, exactly like him, if not worse.

    It came to my attention that you were in a serious relationship with another woman, a relationship that had clearly already begun when you slept with me. Why? Why destroy our friendship just to sleep with me, when you already had someone else? My only conclusion is that you were never really my friend at all. You’d befriended me purely because you were physically attracted to me and you were always just waiting for an opportunity to indulge that. You were certainly not going to pass up the prospect when it finally arrived – having bided your time for so long – even if you’d already found the woman who you wanted to have a proper relationship with.

    I think I might have loved you, except that’s impossible, as I don’t think I ever knew you at all. I was in love with the illusion of the caring person that you presented and now, having had a glimpse of the real you, I don’t think that I like him at all.

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