Dear Big Sister,
You will never know how much you have shaped who I am, because I looked up to you. I wanted to be you, look like you, act like you, everything. You taught me how to do my make up and my hair, how to not care what people thought of me. I cut my bangs once because you told me that’s how you got rid of yours. You were my source of most of my information growing up. I remember going shopping, or lunch, and just talking like best friends. Those are some of my absolute favorite memories. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “you should meet my big sister, she is so pretty and so cool.” I was convinced that if I could just be even half as cool, or pretty, or badass as you, I’d have one hell of a life.
Then you started getting sick. I was devastated but I was going to be there for you no matter what. I went to most of your doctors appointments. I googled the big scary medical words I didn’t understand, so I could try and help anyway I could. You were so drugged all the time but I didn’t care, you were still my big sister. A memory that lives in my brain, was the day I found you crying in a bathroom stall of an olive garden, because you had seen a little kids backpack and it reminded you that you may never have a child. I consoled you the best I could, told you everything would be ok. That was one of the first things that popped into my head a couple years later when I found out I was going to be an aunt.
Being an aunt was something I had wanted for so long. I instantly went out and crazily shopped for baby clothes, toys, diapers, bibs, pacifiers, anything you may have needed. I couldn’t wait for your little offspring to be here. The second I found out you were in the hospital, I raced as fast as I could. When I held my nephew for the first time, I fell in love. I adored that small child so much. I loved him more than I thought possible for someone that wasn’t my own. I loved being around him, babysitting, just spending time with him. He was my light in this dark world.
I still remember thinking you were dying. I prayed and hoped and wished and pleaded with God every day, for him to take whatever disease or tumor or pain you had, and give it to me. I didn’t want this world to lose you, when you had a child to care for and I was a better option. I wasn’t cool, or beautiful, or worthy of a life that you weren’t in.
Man, was I so wrong. Maybe it was my naive little kid brain but I saw good where there was so obviously evil. Looking back, did you ever care about me? You spent most of my childhood, critiquing every little thing I did, said, wore, or even thought. You loved that I did what you told me, but I don’t think you understand it was because I loved you so unconditionally. I believed you were dying. Do you know how awful that is? To traumatize someone just for attention? But you love attention, don’t you? Attention, drama, and lies is what you thrive on, feed on. Why else would you spread horrible, untrue lies about our father? Why else would you push him away? You complain that he never tries to help you but you really mean, help you on your terms. While that is terrible, the thing I don’t think i’ll be able to forgive you for is keeping my sweet baby nephew from us, from me. I miss him more than words, or even feelings at this point can truly express. I can’t help but kick myself for convincing you to keep him when you contemplated adoption, stating you weren’t a good mother. After everything I have done, thought, or tried to be for you, I also can’t help but wonder why? What did I ever do to you?
So there it is, the reason(s) for this post. Not to be angry, but to outline all of my reasons. I am saying goodbye now, for good. I know it is cliche to say you are dead to me, and that isn’t what I am about to do. You are not dead to me, because that would imply that I am the only one hurt by your actions. You are just dead. It is hard to hate the dead, and I am trying very hard not to hate you. You, and my poor little nephew, will be greatly missed in this world. From now on, I will remember the good times I had with you, and that is it. God knows I miss the good times.
Goodbye big sister, I truly hope you the best as you embark on a journey that I wish to be no part of.
No Longer Your Little Sister