• Struggling for the right words…

    by  • July 3, 2015 • To You • 6 Comments

    The ones I could never say even if it could be exsplained right. How vunerable I feel when I have to be around you. I can’t say that anyone has ever had the effect on me you do, tearing down all the walls that took years of surviving strength to build up & protect me..and you don’t even try. I don’t know what happened or when or how or why nor did I ever mean for it to. It’s probably all some crazy illusion I’ve made up, but I feel so damn uncontrollably drawn to you. Is it a game you play on purpose? Can you see right through me? I think about you nonstop & barely know you do I? Or you me..mostly just the darker sides that spill out so fluidly pathetic for a outlet or the other portions that still show up so uncontrollably awkward. I will never get through your walls like you have mine & never be able to comfort your scars, not even as a friend. Nor do you want that. I don’t think anything has ever felt so heartbreaking as that. Here I am wanting to jump in front of you & pour out my soul, but I can’t. Wanting to just hold you & us be ourself without any masks, but I can’t. I want to tell you how much you’ve taught me, helped me grow, helped me feel, turned me upside down & sent me crazy but in the best most painful & wonderful way where I can figure out & go for what I really want..in the way that everyone needs to feel sometime in life that makes you strongest if you can overcome the fear & rebuild. But I loose my courage to fight for life until you’re around again. Everything else I do & say & have become is routine. I think I’m doing the right thing, taking care of the ones who need me most, just like you wanted right? I am working so hard to make everyone else happy, as always. I can’t stand to hurt anyone & despite what you probably believe & this shitton of obnoxious contradictions, I do have morals & I would never truely do any of this the wrong way. But it’s all getting heavy, I feel like I’m dying inside & losing myself & everything I believe in the process. I’m a hypocrite, growing into the conformity & robot streo-types I always was disgusted by…trading in anything that was unique about me to blend & “be normal.” Is this what growing up setteling down & having a family is suppose to be? You would say yes, then why does it only feel like you would understand whos beyond that? Even this situation is so cliche it’s making me sick in my gut to channel the words to write. You would be so logical though taking the emotions inside me lightly or tell me I have to figure it out for myself. So I keep going, taking the things you do to me to my grave where they will rot with me fittingly. I care about your comfortability,happiness,respect more than anyone else’s no matter how bad of a person that makes me..I don’t want to disappoint you. I can’t control that anymore than I am in this life time already. But the whole truth & all of me I guess will never be seen for that reason by anyone ever & can’t be put in this box of words can it? I’m in a cage. You’re the only thing that holds the key, so close yet so far away it’s madness. I’m sorry for everything & can’t imagine what a good night of sleep is like sinse I met you. But please know that you have touched lifes, you’re an amazing person, and you are so so freakin loved by many more than you can ever know. But who am I kidding? If you find this you still couldn’t believe it coming from me could you? It takes away all it’s meaning & that makes me terribly sad. That’s life though bruh. Sorry to anyone who read through this mess & waisted their time of day. I hope you have more courage than me & a lot more luck that however you feel never gets settled, always shaken up, & is hopefully returned at the right time & situation. It’s a rarity everyone deserves.

    6 Responses to Struggling for the right words…

    1. Rairities
      July 4, 2015 at 9:01 am

      #1 – I can teach you how to knock down walls. Ready?
      i.Face a wall
      ii. Ball up your fists
      iii. Hold your fists above your head and place them gently against the wall.
      iv. Start knocking and squatting simultaneously.
      You see..nothing to it.

      #2 – A life worth living is filled with Passion. You strike me as the movie type. Below are three. Two I have on my to-do list.
      i. Equilibrium
      ii. Perfect Sense
      iii. Upstream Color

      #3 – V is for Vendetta
      Inspire Her

      #4 – Always follow your Heart; BUT, in the event your Gut starts to holler, LISTEN. “Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla. Can I Holla at chu?”

      #5 – Plastic melts at some point. If not it warps. If not it stains. Get my drift? If you should ever feel the need to conform to plasticity, “Make Damn Sure” you’re at least a Thermoset. But who am I to talk, when Willie Colon sang it best.

      #6 – You know..this worlds got some pretty pimp ass iron-pipe cutting gas chain saws. If not, a welding iron OR some heavy duty clippers just might do the trick. Gotta love Home Depot.

      #7 – “Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my..”

      “FETCH ME MUSKET!!!”

      #8 – I am no “Crystal Baller” but a life full of “this silly ditty” can surely make you blind. Thank Heaven for “blow jobs” and “water-pick shower massagers.”

      #9 – A spoon full of Non-conformism makes all the feels go down.

      #10 – I wanted to end this with a good solid “Fuck the World”,BUT DAMN SoN, Jimmy Eat World at 23!!! That Beast is 9 years head of the game!

    2. Starr
      July 4, 2015 at 11:30 am

      So… the grass wasn’t greener on the other side?

    3. a beautiful soul
      July 5, 2015 at 3:43 am

      Why would caring about him or her make you a bad person?

      Unless they’re a bad person..

      Maybe you don’t know him or her as well as you think you do..

      You should talk to this person if he or she is truly your ‘key’

    4. I like
      July 5, 2015 at 2:42 pm


    5. Arthor
      July 5, 2015 at 3:07 pm

      @Rarity- lol you remind me of them indeed. Thank you for taking that crap of vent on a sleep deprived mentle night down to the size it belongs in a much less serious mess I much regreted as soon as I hit the send button & making me laugh. I don’t know how to delete this thing lol. I’ll look up the movies I haven’t seen yet.

      @Starr- No there’s not two sides really, all on the same field for me. & I believe the grass is greener where you water it…or where there’s more BS lmbo.

      @A beautiful soul- Well it prob doesn’t make me a bad person for caring. No one else sees it that way at least. They know. I guess I feel bad that it takes up space in my head/heart & clouds my focus on much more important things really. & most of all stupid for wearing everything on my sleeve & being too immature to control that vulnerability & passion for someone you are completely right about not knowing well enough, at least not in the right way to make such a fuss in this manner. They love someone else & tho I don’t know their status I know I wouldn’t ever be looked at seriously or attractive in the paticular way I wish for anyway. it will never be my place to get near that kind of knowing them for that reason & the reason of how close a friend we are & what we are in a group of friends. I will surely get over it & be the best friend I can be staying busy with the other people that need me & goals in life.

      Thanks everyone for inputs.

    6. nonono
      July 5, 2015 at 3:10 pm

      words are never right

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