The ones I could never say even if it could be exsplained right. How vunerable I feel when I have to be around you. I can’t say that anyone has ever had the effect on me you do, tearing down all the walls that took years of surviving strength to build up & protect me..and you don’t even try. I don’t know what happened or when or how or why nor did I ever mean for it to. It’s probably all some crazy illusion I’ve made up, but I feel so damn uncontrollably drawn to you. Is it a game you play on purpose? Can you see right through me? I think about you nonstop & barely know you do I? Or you me..mostly just the darker sides that spill out so fluidly pathetic for a outlet or the other portions that still show up so uncontrollably awkward. I will never get through your walls like you have mine & never be able to comfort your scars, not even as a friend. Nor do you want that. I don’t think anything has ever felt so heartbreaking as that. Here I am wanting to jump in front of you & pour out my soul, but I can’t. Wanting to just hold you & us be ourself without any masks, but I can’t. I want to tell you how much you’ve taught me, helped me grow, helped me feel, turned me upside down & sent me crazy but in the best most painful & wonderful way where I can figure out & go for what I really want..in the way that everyone needs to feel sometime in life that makes you strongest if you can overcome the fear & rebuild. But I loose my courage to fight for life until you’re around again. Everything else I do & say & have become is routine. I think I’m doing the right thing, taking care of the ones who need me most, just like you wanted right? I am working so hard to make everyone else happy, as always. I can’t stand to hurt anyone & despite what you probably believe & this shitton of obnoxious contradictions, I do have morals & I would never truely do any of this the wrong way. But it’s all getting heavy, I feel like I’m dying inside & losing myself & everything I believe in the process. I’m a hypocrite, growing into the conformity & robot streo-types I always was disgusted by…trading in anything that was unique about me to blend & “be normal.” Is this what growing up setteling down & having a family is suppose to be? You would say yes, then why does it only feel like you would understand whos beyond that? Even this situation is so cliche it’s making me sick in my gut to channel the words to write. You would be so logical though taking the emotions inside me lightly or tell me I have to figure it out for myself. So I keep going, taking the things you do to me to my grave where they will rot with me fittingly. I care about your comfortability,happiness,respect more than anyone else’s no matter how bad of a person that makes me..I don’t want to disappoint you. I can’t control that anymore than I am in this life time already. But the whole truth & all of me I guess will never be seen for that reason by anyone ever & can’t be put in this box of words can it? I’m in a cage. You’re the only thing that holds the key, so close yet so far away it’s madness. I’m sorry for everything & can’t imagine what a good night of sleep is like sinse I met you. But please know that you have touched lifes, you’re an amazing person, and you are so so freakin loved by many more than you can ever know. But who am I kidding? If you find this you still couldn’t believe it coming from me could you? It takes away all it’s meaning & that makes me terribly sad. That’s life though bruh. Sorry to anyone who read through this mess & waisted their time of day. I hope you have more courage than me & a lot more luck that however you feel never gets settled, always shaken up, & is hopefully returned at the right time & situation. It’s a rarity everyone deserves.