I never wanted to leave high school, ever. My graduation cap said “the best is yet to come” and to be honest, part of me didn’t like it because part of me didn’t believe it. I thought the best time I was ever going to have was in that school, with these friends. However, I graduated and braved the big, bad world by going to college…thirty minutes away from my home. Not a huge difference but enough for me to realize something, my high school “friends” were anything but. After 13 years with these girls one would think I would be able to share my deepest secrets with them. However, I couldn’t even be a fraction of my true self with them. I feel like the isolation started in middle school but I was probably too naive to realize it had been happening since Kindergarten.
Sure, I could sit at their lunch table to look like they had an abundance of followers. Sure, I was awkwardly invited to the birthday parties that almost the whole class was welcomed too. But as things got personal, suddenly they forgot my existence. I was always the “nice, quiet” girl at the end of the lunch table. Overall it wasn’t a bad reputation considering the group was called the Cunt Crew on more than one occasion. But that wasn’t me. Don’t get me wrong, I try to be nice to everyone I meet but I have an actual personality as well. I was never able to express that in high school because of them.
Because of them, I ate less at lunch so they didn’t judge me or call me fat behind my back (even though they probably did). Because of them, I became angry with my mom because she was the only one I could confess my feelings to. Because of them, I cried myself to sleep more than once after I saw pictures of all of them hanging out without me, yet again. Because of them, my self-confidence level was so low I hardly ever spoke, out of fear I would be looked at as stupid or completely annoying. Because of them, I am able to see what true friends are like (like my great friends I met at college). So in a way, I guess I should thank these girls for leaving me out of every opportunity so when my college friends actually include me, it feels that much greater.