• whatever remains

    by  • June 26, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 7 Comments

    When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

    I loved you with an intensity i did not know was possible. With all that’s happened, that love has been worn down. Like a pebble on a rushing river bed, all those tears. I know who I am. Accepting my own flaws, realizing my actions are misinterpreted at times by those who don’t know me. Quick to anger, but quicker to forgive. Quick to love, but rarely ever falling in love. I love the strange mixture of diverse, colorful, and shocking contrasts of textures that make up the crazy quilt that I call my personality. I’ve spent years cultivating more patience, after 20 years I have a 20 minute fuse instead of 20 seconds. I’m not perfect, nor would I ever want to be. I don’t believe genuine people would like me any more(perhaps possibly less) if I were perfect. I’ve worked on those aspects of my personality that I felt were important, I keep to an intensive beauty regimen to match. I love myself and others. I love to meet new people, my idea of friendly is usually taken as others idea of flirty. I’ve been asked outright if I’m bisexual due to my natural habit of being completely and genuinely interested in nearly everyone I meet of either gender. I’m straight for the record, however I have sexual partners so rarely I may as well be asexual. I am the first and sometimes only person to laugh at myself when I’m clumsy or stupid and the first to rush to distract from someone else’s awkward moments. Years and years of learning what impulses to repress and which to allow to become reflex have made me the person I am today, I love who I am. My strict catholic upbringing taught me to be a good person even when I thought no one was looking because God always was, my years of Buddhist study have helped me find peace and happiness even when I can’t be perfect. I learned to love an imperfect person, myself. When I fell in love with you, I learned to love another imperfect person. I never asked you to become perfect, I know I sometimes became angry when you weren’t but I forgave you. Learned to be a little more reasonable in my expectations of you, there was a learning curve, I wasn’t expecting the love of my life to be so fucked up! 😀

    So…. here we are, living within miles of each other and we may as well be on opposite sides of the world. We’re over, its done. If I loved you so very much and I want to believe you really loved me too.. My heart believes you still do… than how can this be true? How could you have actually loved someone you tried so desperately to change? You said I promised to change, I never would say such a thing when I love the person i am today.

    IF you loved me and I loved you and all that’s past between us is….
    the only possibility that remains is, you don’t believe you deserve to be loved. You genuinely can not believe anyone could love you. You accused me of xyz, the other and everything thing else, but I’m beginning to believe it was because you just could not accept that someone like me even exists, much less that I could love you. If someone like me can not exist than I must be lying, I can’t possibly be who I say I am, who I’ve shown you I am… well, at least who i’ve shown those who stick around.

    I love you and despite it all, I think you love me too. So If i wasn’t playing games, and i know i wasn’t.. and you weren’t playing games and my heart says you weren’t either…. than the truth can only be that you don’t feel worthy of the love we could have had, the love I thought we had for so brief a time.. yet so precious that i’ve held on to its memory even as it fades… I haven’t prayed in a very long time, but I am going to pray for you. You and other lost souls who are probably missing out on the greatest love of their life simply because they don’t feel worthy of it, there for it can’t be real in their eyes…. and mostly I’m going to pray for anyone going through the pain of being rejected and dismissed just because these silly fools haven’t gotten down to the business of learning to love themselves enough to realize its possible for someone else to love them as well.

    7 Responses to whatever remains

    1. I know
      June 26, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      Take care of yourself.

    2. author
      June 28, 2015 at 2:47 pm

      @i know
      thanks for your rat shit answer

    3. ^^^^
      June 29, 2015 at 3:44 pm


    4. C
      June 29, 2015 at 6:02 pm

      To I Know: It was kind of you to reach out to the author. Well done. Please, don’t stop. 🙂

      To the author: The Sherlock Holmes quote is admirable, however, berating someone who took time to respond, if briefly, isn’t worthy of A. Conan Doyle, nor of you. I believe people can love each other deeply, yet not work as a couple. In fifty years I’ve dunked my toe in that chilly brew a couple of times, and the truism, while revelatory, is a damp revelation, and never fun. I believe you’ve grappled with this phenomenon; certainly got doused. The hardest thing to do is let go of someone you love. It’s equally difficult to watch a loved one headed for a walk off a tor, and not be there to absorb the shock for lessons of the soul to be found in the fall. I’m sorry the one(s) you were with are still locked in the drop. And I hope the soul-wound you recieved will soon repair so you can move forward in peace. “To Sherlock Holmes she is always THE woman.” …and yet they remained apart. ~

    5. author
      June 30, 2015 at 2:06 am

      forgive me, im sry. i gave into the darkness. yes, i feel rabid and i shouldnt be snapping at people. maybe i’ll pick up a 3rd spiritual philosophy to fail at miserably.

      again, i apologize. you didnt deserve that reaction/treatment.

    6. Its hard...
      July 2, 2015 at 12:51 am

      to love myself when the only person I care about rejects me at every opportunity. How can YOU say that you are in love with someone youre clearly trying so hard to change. There’s the real me, and your idea of what I could be, and the two are not the same thing. Ive tried so hard to make you happy and be with you, and its just never enough.

    7. author
      July 5, 2015 at 5:40 am

      @C thank you.

      @it’s hard…. you dont know me, Im not your “one”. Sorry.

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