When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
I loved you with an intensity i did not know was possible. With all that’s happened, that love has been worn down. Like a pebble on a rushing river bed, all those tears. I know who I am. Accepting my own flaws, realizing my actions are misinterpreted at times by those who don’t know me. Quick to anger, but quicker to forgive. Quick to love, but rarely ever falling in love. I love the strange mixture of diverse, colorful, and shocking contrasts of textures that make up the crazy quilt that I call my personality. I’ve spent years cultivating more patience, after 20 years I have a 20 minute fuse instead of 20 seconds. I’m not perfect, nor would I ever want to be. I don’t believe genuine people would like me any more(perhaps possibly less) if I were perfect. I’ve worked on those aspects of my personality that I felt were important, I keep to an intensive beauty regimen to match. I love myself and others. I love to meet new people, my idea of friendly is usually taken as others idea of flirty. I’ve been asked outright if I’m bisexual due to my natural habit of being completely and genuinely interested in nearly everyone I meet of either gender. I’m straight for the record, however I have sexual partners so rarely I may as well be asexual. I am the first and sometimes only person to laugh at myself when I’m clumsy or stupid and the first to rush to distract from someone else’s awkward moments. Years and years of learning what impulses to repress and which to allow to become reflex have made me the person I am today, I love who I am. My strict catholic upbringing taught me to be a good person even when I thought no one was looking because God always was, my years of Buddhist study have helped me find peace and happiness even when I can’t be perfect. I learned to love an imperfect person, myself. When I fell in love with you, I learned to love another imperfect person. I never asked you to become perfect, I know I sometimes became angry when you weren’t but I forgave you. Learned to be a little more reasonable in my expectations of you, there was a learning curve, I wasn’t expecting the love of my life to be so fucked up! 😀
So…. here we are, living within miles of each other and we may as well be on opposite sides of the world. We’re over, its done. If I loved you so very much and I want to believe you really loved me too.. My heart believes you still do… than how can this be true? How could you have actually loved someone you tried so desperately to change? You said I promised to change, I never would say such a thing when I love the person i am today.
IF you loved me and I loved you and all that’s past between us is….
the only possibility that remains is, you don’t believe you deserve to be loved. You genuinely can not believe anyone could love you. You accused me of xyz, the other and everything thing else, but I’m beginning to believe it was because you just could not accept that someone like me even exists, much less that I could love you. If someone like me can not exist than I must be lying, I can’t possibly be who I say I am, who I’ve shown you I am… well, at least who i’ve shown those who stick around.
I love you and despite it all, I think you love me too. So If i wasn’t playing games, and i know i wasn’t.. and you weren’t playing games and my heart says you weren’t either…. than the truth can only be that you don’t feel worthy of the love we could have had, the love I thought we had for so brief a time.. yet so precious that i’ve held on to its memory even as it fades… I haven’t prayed in a very long time, but I am going to pray for you. You and other lost souls who are probably missing out on the greatest love of their life simply because they don’t feel worthy of it, there for it can’t be real in their eyes…. and mostly I’m going to pray for anyone going through the pain of being rejected and dismissed just because these silly fools haven’t gotten down to the business of learning to love themselves enough to realize its possible for someone else to love them as well.