• FML

    by  • June 26, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 1 Comment

    I know I’m crazy. I know I lose it a little more everyday. I’m not a danger to anyone, not even myself. But I feel my life slowly slipping away. There isn’t any point to fighting it. I am so alone, and it’s entirely my fault. It’s feels like I live in a world comprised of only me. I go days without seeing another human face or hearing another human voice, except on the tv. And maybe I like it. The seclusion, it feels like what I need. I don’t want anyone else to see me, I don’t want anyone to know how much pain I’m in, how utterly indifferent I am to the future. I don’t want anyone to see how much I let one woman affect my life, how I put all my eggs in her basket, and how she crushed every last one. I used to feel so special, I was the man she chose to want to be with. But I’m not special at all. Just another one of the millions of pathetic little boys out there who allow themselves to be led on by someone who sees them as nothing more than something to manipulate and control. A plaything. She must have loved playing with me. I was loyal to the end. I could never move on. Years later and I feel like such a damn fool. If anyone knew I’d been holding on to this for so long, even after everything she’s done, everything I’ve been told and even seen with my own eyes, they’d just laugh at me. Oh wait, I’m pretty sure most people do know. And so I hide. Maybe forever. I wish I could hit redo on my life because I don’t see this one going anywhere. I feel like I just need to start completely over, move out of this place I once loved.

    It should be so crystal clear, when I look back at it all. But it’s really not, even to this day. Because there’s so much more to the story than the countless rejections. I remember the way other people treated me, people who knew her much longer. Joking that she was my girlfriend. It made me feel so good. And the hundreds of little things she’s said or done, could I really have been wrong about it every single time? The universe, it won’t let me forget her, constantly seizing my mind with bizarre events that make me believe she does in fact love me. Not mundane stuff like ‘oh, it’s 88 degrees right now, 8 was her favorite number’. Really weird stuff, that wouldn’t make sense out of context, but that must be beyond a ‘mere coincidence’. And the dreams. I lay in bed for hours unable to sleep. But when I do, there she is haunting me. Beautifully simple dreams. Last night we were just texting, It didn’t even matter what we were saying, but she complemented me on how much better I was being about not overreacting to every little thing. Last week I had one where we just held hands. That’s not just the part I can remember, I remember all of them in fine detail. That was the whole dream, just holding hands with her, nothing else. Then I wake up and the nightmare is my life and reality and I just want to go back to sleep and be with her a little more. That’s the only time I’m ever happy.

    I’m so confused, I don’t know what I’ve misinterpreted or just completely imagined. I know what I’ve felt, but apparently it was all a lie. I’m so pathetic. I’m such a pathetic fucking loser. No wonder she never cared about me. No wonder I was so eager to take her hook and never let go. Seriously, fuck my life.

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    One Response to FML

    1. Starr
      June 27, 2015 at 12:16 am

      Your letter really hit home for me, because I too have been experiencing this same sort of strange hold or connection or… whatever this is… And it makes absolutely no sense to me. My ex was, and I believe still is, a total narcissistic sociopath, though I didn’t know this or recognize it until much too late. Things ended badly when we broke up over 2 years ago, and though I was devastated, I found the will to pick myself up and move on again. I was in a fresh new relationship and I was doing just fine for awhile, not even thinking about my ex or dwelling on the past. And then one day out of the blue, i saw him driving on the highway while on my way to work, and we both exchanged cold blank stares in the passing. Almost immediately thereafter, it was as if I had acquired this sort of intense psychic knowledge that something was wrong. I don’t know why, but I had this urge to look at his criminal record when I got to work… I was shocked to learn that he had a court date scheduled for that very same day for drug charges. How did I sense this? We had been no contact for over a year! But it’s not over, only about a month later, I felt compelled to read a particular section on Craigslist… And there was an anonymous letter, not addressed to or from anyone, and somehow I just “knew” it was his letter to me. I responded, not giving away my identity, and we exchanged some harsh words… Before finally signing both of our names and saying goodbye. After that, I couldn’t shake this feeling that the universe was trying to tell me something, it’s almost as if there is this invisible magnetic pull between us. I have had some strange dreams since, but they were not good dreams… I don’t understand any of this, because he really hurt me, and I don’t believe that he has any remorse. He has moved on as well, has a new family, though I think he moved on with her while we were still dating. It just doesn’t seem fair of the universe to subject me to this, that is, if it is the work of the universe… Though it has been awhile since this all took place and nothing more has happened, those things have just always stuck with me. I’m not totally consumed by it now, but I still find myself wondering WTF… And I still feel connected to him. My story is a bit different than yours, but very similar. So… What do you think this is?




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