I know I’m crazy. I know I lose it a little more everyday. I’m not a danger to anyone, not even myself. But I feel my life slowly slipping away. There isn’t any point to fighting it. I am so alone, and it’s entirely my fault. It’s feels like I live in a world comprised of only me. I go days without seeing another human face or hearing another human voice, except on the tv. And maybe I like it. The seclusion, it feels like what I need. I don’t want anyone else to see me, I don’t want anyone to know how much pain I’m in, how utterly indifferent I am to the future. I don’t want anyone to see how much I let one woman affect my life, how I put all my eggs in her basket, and how she crushed every last one. I used to feel so special, I was the man she chose to want to be with. But I’m not special at all. Just another one of the millions of pathetic little boys out there who allow themselves to be led on by someone who sees them as nothing more than something to manipulate and control. A plaything. She must have loved playing with me. I was loyal to the end. I could never move on. Years later and I feel like such a damn fool. If anyone knew I’d been holding on to this for so long, even after everything she’s done, everything I’ve been told and even seen with my own eyes, they’d just laugh at me. Oh wait, I’m pretty sure most people do know. And so I hide. Maybe forever. I wish I could hit redo on my life because I don’t see this one going anywhere. I feel like I just need to start completely over, move out of this place I once loved.
It should be so crystal clear, when I look back at it all. But it’s really not, even to this day. Because there’s so much more to the story than the countless rejections. I remember the way other people treated me, people who knew her much longer. Joking that she was my girlfriend. It made me feel so good. And the hundreds of little things she’s said or done, could I really have been wrong about it every single time? The universe, it won’t let me forget her, constantly seizing my mind with bizarre events that make me believe she does in fact love me. Not mundane stuff like ‘oh, it’s 88 degrees right now, 8 was her favorite number’. Really weird stuff, that wouldn’t make sense out of context, but that must be beyond a ‘mere coincidence’. And the dreams. I lay in bed for hours unable to sleep. But when I do, there she is haunting me. Beautifully simple dreams. Last night we were just texting, It didn’t even matter what we were saying, but she complemented me on how much better I was being about not overreacting to every little thing. Last week I had one where we just held hands. That’s not just the part I can remember, I remember all of them in fine detail. That was the whole dream, just holding hands with her, nothing else. Then I wake up and the nightmare is my life and reality and I just want to go back to sleep and be with her a little more. That’s the only time I’m ever happy.
I’m so confused, I don’t know what I’ve misinterpreted or just completely imagined. I know what I’ve felt, but apparently it was all a lie. I’m so pathetic. I’m such a pathetic fucking loser. No wonder she never cared about me. No wonder I was so eager to take her hook and never let go. Seriously, fuck my life.