• A letter from me to me

    by  • June 26, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 1 Comment

    I know you are hurting.

    I know that you feel that every cell in your body feels like it is eating you from the inside. I know your fragile heart has been shattered again into more pieces than when it had been broken before. You never realized that it could break so much, did you?
    It probably feels like sharp glass shards floating around in your chest,pricking each moment you were awake.

    You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t sit still. You are restless and tired and distraught and hopeless and lonely and you have no idea what to do.

    You were not worth the fight.
    You were so easy to let go.
    Your heart has made this judgement for you and the same words keep repeating itself over and over in your head.

    You never imagined that things would end this way. He was the one who had asked you out. He was the one who told that he was in love with you and practically begged you to go out with him. You had taken your time to think things through. You had made it clear from the very beginning that you expected this relationship to go all the way. He had said that he would make it happen. And you had told yes.

    He felt so sincere and so honest when he repeatedly told you how strongly he felt about you. He showered you with compliments that you found hard to believe. He made you see yourself in a better light. He made you fall in love with him too.

    The only problem was, you began to love him more than he did, or ever planned to. Because it was he who had fallen in love with you first, you felt obliged to show him you loved him the same way if not more. But the more effort you put into everything, the less he seemed ready to do the same for you.
    But you kept going out of your way to make him feel special, to make him feel loved. He obviously felt the same, right ?


    It was easy for him to make you fall for him, and it was easier for him to trust you. He loved that you were not like the “other girls” who flirted around with other guys and partied hard and acted irresponsible.
    “I know that you would never leave me, It’s so easy to trust you.” he had said.
    In a small corner of your heart, you knew that you couldn’t say the same for him.

    So you kept trying harder, to make him understand how much you loved him. Obviously he would love you the same way. But the excuses had begun to pile up, and you were beginning to feel more lonely than complete. Your phone with all its social networking apps just made you feel needy and empty, because the one person you wanted to talk to was always busy. He managed to give you a few minutes each day to talk on the phone. But he wasn’t there for you when you needed him the most. He apologized each time, promising to make it up and you believed it, knowing that if you were in the same place, you would make things right.

    Time went by and the promise of marriage came close. This is it, you thought. There won’t be any excuses if I get to spend each day of my life with you. You were never a person who could do distance, and I accepted you for that. It just wasn’t your thing to be tied to your phone.

    The date got closer and you were blissful and carefree. You couldn’t stop planning for the big day. You told all your friends and you made all the biggest plans counting down the days. He barely discussed it and it got you worried. But he reminded you of the plans he had made for you a long time ago, a marriage, two kids, a big beautiful house, a game room for all our Xbox games and two lovely dogs. He had told you would be next to you in the labor room when we had our first child. He told you would be gentle with you on our first night. We planned to have kids only after travelling the world and he also made comments about you dying first because you probably couldn’t bear his loss if he died before. He had said you would die like the couple from the Notebook. Yes you loved him that much, he had said.

    But all of a sudden and out of the blue, he said it was over because his parents objected. What about the plans? What about our future?
    No, he said. Nothing can be done. He was not ready to fight.

    And just like that, he took away your dreams, your hopes and in many ways, you world itself. Because for you, he was your world. For him, you were just one thing revolving around in his life.

    Men are cruel. Men like him never deserved any love.
    Men like him only have enough guts to make the woman fall in love with him. He has enough guts to touch her. But he doesn’t have the guts to make her stay in his life. In one moment, he is simply able to walk away, decide that he can live without you.

    Why do men like him make false promises and commitments when they are ready to drop everything in a second?

    I hope you will get over this. You have done this before. Keep reading this as many times as you want to get over him, to know that you always deserved better. I hope that someday soon, you find the guy who can treat you the way you treat someone you love. I really hope you find the man who will show you what love really means. I hope that in all this mess, you have not given up on love.

    This is a dark phase. You cry in the shower, you cry every morning and every night. But you are still able to fake a smile for the sake of your family who are so worried about you. I know you regret ever telling him that yes. I know you regret everything you ever said or did for him. Because in the end, he did not realize your worth and was ready to simply walk away.

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    One Response to A letter from me to me

    1. @author
      January 29, 2016 at 9:46 am

      The world seems a little less dark, and the future seems a little less empty to know that there is at least one other person on this planet who has been so completely and utterly ruined in the same way. It doesn’t take away the pain, but it is comforting to know I’m (you’re) not the only one.



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