I said we couldn’t be friends because I was crazy about you, because I couldn’t be the friend you needed because I was too attracted to you.
That was only half the truth. I love you, I love everything about you, every mistake, every flaw, every insecurity, they make you you. I love when you have anxiety about work, I love when you’re unsure about a decisions you made, because you would call me and I would assure you you were right, because in the end you always were. I love your smile, your laugh, your sense of humor, and the way your dark blue eyes have spikes of bright green in them, like looking East at the sky over a forest as the sun sets behind you.
When I’m around you all of my burdens feel light, you make my heart flutter, the only way that I can describe how I feel is that first crush, when you had nothing else to compare it to no other loves or infatuations, when you knew that had to be the person you would spend the rest of my life because you’ve never felt that strong a feeling and you ignored all the adults who told you differently because clearly they’ve never felt something like this. All grown up now, I’ve had feelings for other women, I’ve had my heart broken, I know that first crush was nothing now.
But that’s how I feel about you.
Tonight when you called me to discuss the organization we volunteer with, it was all business, but still it was the greatest thing that’s happened to me since I had to walk away. To hear your voice again.
I wanted to tell you I was sorry, I wanted to say that I would swallow the pain and jealousy, that it had been a mistake to leave and that I totally have the strength just be friends with you, to just be around you, to hear you laugh to volunteer WITH you not just on opposite days.
I miss you so much and I’m sorry I screwed everything up by developing feelings.