• Friends aren’t always forever

    by  • June 24, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Hey, I know things are changing now, but I just wanted to kind of put an end to things in my mind officially so we can leave on good terms. You have been my best friend for four years now, but I don’t think this friendship was the best for either of us. We both had/have our own problems and those brought us together four years ago when we were lost and had no where else to turn. We understood each other when no one else could and we knew each other’s deepest secrets. We have been through so much together, but I had to move on. I had come to realize that my happiness was suffering because of you. I know I can’t blame you fully for that, but I was always worried I would wake up to a call saying you were dead, so I never slept. I was always worried about you and when you were sad, I was sad, which pushed me further into my eating disorder. I have always known that to be fully happy, you have to take the toxic people out of your life. I tried explaining to you that I was a toxic person in your life but you didn’t see it. Then I started my whole life over and realized that you, in fact, were the most toxic person in my life. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I’m just saying that it’s true. I shouldn’t have to live my life based on someone else’s, and to worry about that person 24-7, it’s just not fair to me. I have learned to be selfish and live my life for me. I hope I am not selfish about other things, but when it comes to my life, I am learning to be selfish. No one else can bring me down. We talked every single day for four years except for when you were in rehab. It really kept me going, but then I felt like it was some sort of obligation for me to respond or you would get mad at me even though I was busy living my life. We hit a few large bumps in the road over the past year, but I think it’s kinda nice that we have both decided to move on. It really truly sucks that I think we have both realized that we’re each other’s toxic person, but I guess that just means that we’re growing and that’s a really nice thing to think about. I always thought we would be able to still talk sometimes though because we were really close. I texted you the other day telling you about a new song that was just released and apologized for bothering you. You, however, basically told me I should feel guilty for whatever it is I did to you even though you told me we shouldn’t really be friends anymore way before. You told me to never contact you again because you want to move on in your life. That’s what hurts the most. I know you liked me as way more than a friend and you think I was playing you when I stated clearly since you told me that I can’t do that. That’s where our friendship took a turn, but that sucks for me because I thought we would be best friends forever, but that sucks for you too because you were losing the same thing and then some. Once you spoke out about this, I think we both knew this friendship would be coming to an end soon, but I never thought it would really end to the point where I can’t even text you once in awhile without you freaking. We both have to live our lives and it’s nice to be able to live it without obligation, but it sucks. I know we aren’t very similar once you put our problems past us and I think that drove us into an even deeper hole. We both couldn’t face the fact that our mental health issues were the only thing we had in common, which made everything worse than it really needed to be. I lived my life to try to help you and you lived your life to try to help me. Once I didn’t need your help anymore and once I realized I couldn’t help you, I knew you were toxic. Thinking back on it, I knew all along. I remember thinking these exact things and trying to tell you. But I knew I couldn’t tell you because I couldn’t lose my best friend, and I didn’t know what you would do if I decided to leave our friendship behind. Last year I learned what would happen but thank god it wasn’t as bad as it would have been a few years ago. I then started talking to you more again even though I knew I couldn’t be brought down by you anymore. I hate hurting people and I hate hurting you. I loved being your friend, I loved having a best friend, but the friendship turned more into an obligation and I just want to be able to live. I want to live a life where anyone can be my friend without you getting mad about it. I want to live a happy life, and I want you to live one too. I said a lot of negatives about our friendship, which doesn’t really do our friendship any justice, but looking back on it, it was a very negative relationship. However, you have changed my life and made me a better person with a bigger heart and a plan to help the world. You gave me a more caring heart that makes it hard for me to judge people. You gave me reason to accept every single person for how they are no matter what. And for that (and many more things), I will be eternally grateful that I got to call you my best friend. In fifty years from now, I hope that things aren’t how they are now, but even if they are, I just hope you know that I will never look back on those four years with any regret that I was friends with you. I am thankful that I met such a wonderful person that was able to shape me into a better person and help me through a very tough time. I am thankful that I know I am capable of caring for someone so deeply that everything they did mattered to me. I am very thankful for our friendship and for you and I am thankful that we are both able to grow now. We may be growing separately, but at least we’re able to grow. We’re able to finally live our lives and maybe one day we’ll find ourselves growing together. Maybe we’ll be able to exist without bringing each other down. I don’t know if I hope that day comes or not. I think sometimes things are better left where they are because there is a reason that the friendship ended and maybe that friendship is better left in the past to be remembered as a life experience. I don’t know how to explain that but I think I’m at the point now where it’s okay if the friendship is over forever and I guess we’ll have to find out if it’s okay if it ever rekindles. Come what must. I will forever be thankful for the friendship that we had, please never forget that or think differently.

    Love always,
    Me

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