• Apologies for weakness

    by  • June 24, 2015 • Abuse • 2 Comments

    Dear you,
    You are absolutely amazing to me in every way. You are a confident, thoughtful, sweet, considerate, trustworthy, faithful, gentleman.
    Even though I haven’t told you, I absolutely love you. I love the way you argue, and the semantics games, and the silly things you do to keep yourself occupied. I love your singing, and your dancing, and how you just want me around sometimes.
    I love that you aren’t ashamed of me, even when I am being stupid or overemotional or I’ve been drinking to much. I love how when I am anxious and panic-y, you aren’t condescending or rude, you just take my hand or reassure me, which helps me so much.. you make me feel safe. I love how you are calm and collected when I make a mistake, even when it is a big one and you just.. let it roll off your shoulders.

    I am so sorry. I am so freakin sorry that I assume when I make a mistake you will hit me. I KNOW you won’t, you would never hit me, but I still feel the terror.
    I am so sorry that I cannot sleep next to you unless I have strong medication or have been multiple days without sleep. I know this one really bothers you, and I wish I could fix it, but I just… can’t. I know you would never, but that does not stop my body from reacting to you.
    I am so sorry that I cannot be normal sometimes. That I react like you are him, that I apologize for literally everything, and especially that I am not as strong as I should be. I want you to know that I am doing my best, and someday I WILL be alright. I am just not there yet.

    Please, try to put up with my nonsense until then. You’re pretty fucking great.

    Love,
    “not just some girl”

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    2 Responses to Apologies for weakness

    1. just a reader
      June 24, 2015 at 12:35 pm

      Why don’t you help them understand? I’m sure they could develop some patience and give you the time and space you need, if only they had a clue. Do you want to risk them running away because of your distant behavior? Just a thought.




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      • Author
        June 25, 2015 at 8:57 pm

        He knows… up to a certain point, but if one hasn’t been abused, one can’t really understand what it is like. All I can really do is try to explain that it’s not him it’s me, and he is amazing enough to try to understand, but I know it still hurts him. I see the pain behind his eyes when I flinch away, or when he wakes up at night and I am awake like it is daytime.




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