I somehow confused it with love. After some heavy self reflection and research on the matter, evidence points towards me being a closet narcissist, simply unable to accept rejection. Some weird chemical and emotional imbalance. The love I felt for you and unfairly projected onto you was a mental illness prolonged by low self esteem, loneliness, and depression. It’s all simple human physicology. Sad but true. My love was not real. Love should never be a one way street or hurt in this way.
I thought the only way I could still have these feelings for someone after so long was because I somehow felt them yearning for me, as well. That hearts could communicate, no matter the time or distance apart. That I could feel you thinking of me and visa versa.
It was something new for me and I think I romanticized it… to avoid feeling crazy. Deep down though, I knew it was a mental condition of some sort that developed from my from past traumatic relationships. Our inability to properly communicate with each other only fed my fire and assumptions. Never having the closure I really needed.
Strong romantic ideals can turn into delusion. I have finally accepted that, am aware of it, and have taken responsibility for it. I am rejecting any further feelings or thoughts for you, until they die. Not in hate, but out of love and respect. Almost there, but sometimes they still seep back in if I allow them. I know it takes time and strength. Most people would make it easier by just turning their love into hate, but I can not do that.
All that is really left is feeling guilty for having projected unwarranted feelings on you for so long. It was not fair and it was selfish. And I know in some way it affected your mental well being as well. That hurts me because it was never my intention to affect you negatively. I only wanted the opposite. Like the parent for their child, unable to realize the affects of their overbearing care.
Thank you for finally realizing that your contact was feeding my obsession and for cutting it off. I hope in time you can forgive me for everything. I know a future friendship is unlikely, but I hope it is possible.
I would text or email you this but I know that would be a mistake and you would prefer not to hear from me. This is me healing and respecting you, in my own way. Part of my delusion was thinking we had communicated on here at one point or another. This is my closure.
Be well. (That’s what they always tell me at Wallgreens and it sounds nice!). I hope you are able to continue traveling. It makes me happy you are living your dream of doing so.