• I think it was obsession

    by  • June 21, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 9 Comments

    I somehow confused it with love. After some heavy self reflection and research on the matter, evidence points towards me being a closet narcissist, simply unable to accept rejection. Some weird chemical and emotional imbalance. The love I felt for you and unfairly projected onto you was a mental illness prolonged by low self esteem, loneliness, and depression. It’s all simple human physicology. Sad but true. My love was not real. Love should never be a one way street or hurt in this way.

    I thought the only way I could still have these feelings for someone after so long was because I somehow felt them yearning for me, as well. That hearts could communicate, no matter the time or distance apart. That I could feel you thinking of me and visa versa.

    It was something new for me and I think I romanticized it… to avoid feeling crazy. Deep down though, I knew it was a mental condition of some sort that developed from my from past traumatic relationships. Our inability to properly communicate with each other only fed my fire and assumptions. Never having the closure I really needed.

    Strong romantic ideals can turn into delusion. I have finally accepted that, am aware of it, and have taken responsibility for it. I am rejecting any further feelings or thoughts for you, until they die. Not in hate, but out of love and respect. Almost there, but sometimes they still seep back in if I allow them. I know it takes time and strength. Most people would make it easier by just turning their love into hate, but I can not do that.

    All that is really left is feeling guilty for having projected unwarranted feelings on you for so long. It was not fair and it was selfish. And I know in some way it affected your mental well being as well. That hurts me because it was never my intention to affect you negatively. I only wanted the opposite. Like the parent for their child, unable to realize the affects of their overbearing care.

    Thank you for finally realizing that your contact was feeding my obsession and for cutting it off. I hope in time you can forgive me for everything. I know a future friendship is unlikely, but I hope it is possible.

    I would text or email you this but I know that would be a mistake and you would prefer not to hear from me. This is me healing and respecting you, in my own way. Part of my delusion was thinking we had communicated on here at one point or another. This is my closure.

    Be well. (That’s what they always tell me at Wallgreens and it sounds nice!). I hope you are able to continue traveling. It makes me happy you are living your dream of doing so.

    9 Responses to I think it was obsession

    1. Just a Thought
      June 21, 2015 at 11:03 pm

      Wow, this is pretty deep. Hope this is true an obsession and not something you are trying to deny. The heart knows what it knows. I think you should tell the other person, so they know. Keeping someone in the dark and having them wonder is not good.

      Who knows you may be capable of a future friendship…

    2. Another girl
      June 22, 2015 at 3:36 am

      You think that it was an obsession, but you are not supposed think love…you feel love.

      There may be an answer why you feel all of those feelings for so long, yearning and your hearts could communicate, no matter the time or distance apart. I will leave you to find out that for yourself (no, you are not going crazy).

      I wish you to heal and be well xx

    3. LostnEmpty
      June 22, 2015 at 4:12 pm

      If you are hoping for a future friendship. You really need to tell them what’s going on. Maybe closure for you, but is it really? You will never have complete closure unless you let them know. There will always be this wonderment that will haunt you forever.

      You owe it to that person, don’t ya think?

    4. K
      June 22, 2015 at 7:18 pm

      I think I’m going through the same thing right now.
      I’ve been madly “in love” with the same person for 4 years.
      I have read that love so intense as this does not last more then one year.
      I also have OCD and most likely depression.
      I am realizing more and more that I probably do love this person, to a point, but it is most likely obsession and not being able to handle rejection.
      I am so “in love” that I do feel like I am going crazy.
      Thank you for helping me to realize the truth even more, and to know that I am not the only one with such feelings.
      Although I’m sure my situation is unheard of.

      Best of luck to you

    5. TheOnlyOne4U
      June 23, 2015 at 11:42 am

      If you hope a future friendship with this person, don’t you at least feel, he/she should know the above, or at least some of it? Your peace will never be, unless you know for sure this person know of this.

      This is called closure, when the other person knows.

      Blessings to you!

    6. jo
      June 25, 2015 at 12:14 am

      I had a similar experience with someone who came back into my life after many years. It cost me 4 years & counting of my health, equilibrium and wellbeing. .We no longer have any contact . What I experienced was a classic, full blown Limerance and like you I thought I was going crazy. There is some useful stuff out there about the condition and reading up about it helped me understand that what I felt was not true love. Best of luck to you, rest assured you are not alone! xx

    7. I think..
      June 25, 2015 at 2:28 pm

      Real love is when you love somebody who loves you back just as much.

    8. Tennov
      June 26, 2015 at 7:24 am

      Ahhh, did you read her book?

    9. Tennov
      June 26, 2015 at 7:27 am

      … I already threw it away…;)

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