• I am my own shadow

    by  • June 21, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 1 Comment

    Hello world,

    I’m a tiny particle of you, a tiny piece of this gigantic universe. I am one single human beyond thousands of billions of them. So much complexity in such a tiny thing that I am. What I am to the world doesn’t define me though. What people see is a fun, happy girl, successful, positive and blessed somehow. It’s crazy how, just like the planets, the light people cast on you can make you shine, while they always forget about the other side of you. That any light comes with a shadow. A shadow made out of wounds created by other humans, hurtful words, deceiving loved ones, worry. Sometimes, this growing shadow becomes so big that it can hide the light once cast by others and turn into an eclipse. And all you see is darkness. And that darkness starts defining you. There are so many things that people don’t see. And you are all alone, lost in this gigantic cosmos that you know nothing about but that you belong to. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am a net of lies. Lies that I tell myself everyday to feel better. That I tell others to reassure them. Because hurting them would be the worst. I live in a different world in the same universe.

    I am the other side of the planet, the shadow. I am harsh words and lost trust. I am a loved one once in jail, two years of continuous fear of loosing him. I am the difficulty of forgiveness that comes with deceivable ones. I am the best friend that makes me feel bad about myself while going out with my crush in my back while lying to me. I am the students that kept repeating that I looked tired, had dark circles and looked like a panda. The ones that made fun of the scar on head and the ones that abused my kindness and my friendship to get their work done and their career up. I am the dad that cheated on my mom with a stupid greedy girl that was only 5 to 6 years older than me and showed no regret. The dad that never asked about my day and never showed any kind of love. I am the mom that is lost and tries to help me while fighting her own demons. The mom that tells me I’m fat, I’m a whining girl, but that she loves me very much and wants the best for me. I am the core paradox of the existence that I am living.

    I am my little sister that brags about her life abroad, her perfect boyfriend, school and body while pretending to teach me lessons about life. I am the family comparing me to the achievements of my cousins. I am a failed driving licence. A girl that never had a long term relationship. A girl that never had a real boyfriend. A girl that cannot trust any guy in the world. I am the studies that are the opposite of who I am. I am the dream of making a career out of the one thing I can do best : singing. I am the evenings spent watching people get their dream come true on TV through The Voice and other TV shows. I am the silent crowd watching someone singing on stage and dreaming just to be there too. I am an hypersensitive girl with a huge heart that cries for nothing and constantly feels harmed by others. I am a shy, social phobic girl with no confidence that displays an outgoing, sociable attitude in front of them all. I am the absolute opposite of myself. I am my own shadow.

    I am a sponge that remembers only negative moments and drains all the positive ones. I am a saw that can cut people when I’m angry and is the perfect image of my mood swings. I am the body that I can’t stand. The kilos that won’t go away, the legs that hurt me and make me feel tired, the illnesses that drain my energy. I am my fear of being abandoned and hurt. I am the little girl hiding inside of me asking not to be hurt. I am the envy that I feel when I meet people who are doing a job they love. I am my fear of others. I am my inability to trust anyone. I am my own prohibition to love. I am me. Silent me. I am the shadow. I am the light. I am both faces of a same planet. A planet that belongs to a universe, a cosmos, an infinite infinity. I am human. I am so small. I am so tiny. So incredibly tiny compared to you world. So much things going on in this nano piece of you.

    I am the anger. The feeling of injustice. I am depression. A stupid word for a growing bitterness towards life. I am who I am. I defines me now but should never be “me” ever again. That’s my goal now. To break the eclipse and bring back the light. One day, I’ll reach the moon. I’ll shine with the stars, and will tell you “I am incandescent”. Never again will I let myself darken my heart with thoughts created by others.

    And I will be me. And I will be strong. And I will smile. Because the truth will overcome the lies. Smiles will overcome tears. Hope will overcome illusions. And my light will overcome my shadow.

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    One Response to I am my own shadow

    1. Rico
      May 21, 2016 at 6:02 pm

      That was really good. I could relate to so many things. Great job.



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