To the one I love,
I woke up today, after another night of dreaming about you. That’s twice in the last 4 nights. Waking up is always such a disappointment. In my dreams we’re together, but I wake to a reality where not only can I not see you or talk to you, but where you apparently despise me.
I wasn’t lying, you really have had an enormous impact on my life. I’ve told girls I loved them before, and meant it, but I never really knew what love was until I met you. Thank you for showing me, even if you weren’t trying to. It was so easy falling in love with you, so effortless. I remember the early days, when we were just getting to know each other. That time seems so pure in my memory, what with everything that would follow. I still can’t believe how you took to me. I remember walking in and seeing you for the first time. Me, a shy, self-conscious boy, no car, no money, no girlfriend, just trying to find acceptance within a new group of friends that didn’t yet see me as the loser and outsider I’ve always felt like (that didn’t work for long). You……
You, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met in my life. You, with the smile and laugh still etched in my mind’s eye nearly three years later. You, the quickest mind I’ve ever known, always with something insightful or witty to say. You, who patiently listened, really listened, to my drunken blabbering, and even appreciated my strange sense of humor. You, with (the razor edge and) the gentlest, kindest, most caring soul. You, who just naturally understood me in a way no one ever has, even when I would try to conceal my true self. You, literally cast in a radiant glow like you were sent down by God Himself just for me.
You are so fucking special. You are my goddess.
When we first met, I never thought I could make you mine (guess I was right). But we clicked so quickly, and so intensely. I couldn’t understand why out of everyone, I seemed to be the most important person there to you. I was so skeptical, so sure there was some ulterior motive you had. But at the same time, it just felt so right. I’ve never felt so special before. Things progressed so fast for me. Maybe it was a disastrous mistake, but I didn’t see you as a friend, I knew almost immediately you were so much more. I found myself really opening up within the first couple times I saw you. I told you about my values and beliefs, my inspirations and ambitions. And you listened and told me about yours. I got your number about a month later (not the way I wanted to…thanks C) and we started talking even more. It was frustrating how you sidestepped my advances, but I knew I was being impetuous and I had no clue what I was doing, this was such unfamiliar ground for me. I remember our one date. You inviting me to a going away party. God, I screwed that up so badly. I was so nervous. I just remember sitting on the stool next you, I think you had to tell me five times to stop bouncing my leg on your chair. We never hung out like that again, when you weren’t working, but we continued talking a lot.
Our first real bump in the road happened about 3-4 months in. You told me something I didn’t want to hear or accept. We stopped talking for awhile. In hindsight, it really was the beginning of a very prolonged end. While our relationship would eventually resume, the month and a half or so we didn’t talk, I was at home, depressed, feeling like I had lost you forever. Finally, I wrote you a letter, the first letter I ever wrote you, and poured out everything in me to try to tell you how I felt about you. Things would pick up as though nothing ever happened, but that constant feeling of losing you, of feeling like I could never have you, that never went away.
Things went pretty well between us over the next several months. You helped me celebrate my birthday. I never told you what happened after I left that night, but it turned into the worst birthday of my life. That being said, at the end of the night, I didn’t really care. Because it was also the only birthday I spent with you, and so it was also the best birthday of my life. Being with you, that was all I wanted.
As summer crept up, I became really nervous because I didn’t know what was going to happen between us. You made it clear that you wanted me to focus on my studies, as I had done so poorly the semester before. So I took about a month off, we didn’t really talk at all during that time. Then everything started going right for me. I had been unemployed for most of the time I knew you, and it really made me feel like a bum. So I was so excited when I got a job I felt I had no business getting. As soon as I found out, I texted you. I remember I just said that I had a surprise, and that it drove you crazy that I wouldn’t tell you what it was. I prepared for my triumphant return. I finished my first week at work, finally worked up the courage to add you on fb, then headed over to see you.
I’ll never forget. It was Friday, June 7, 2013. It started raining really hard when I got off work. That was a problem, as I had gotten all dressed up to impress you. I remember what I was wearing that night, I remember buying new dress shoes just for the occasion. When I came in, I was so happy to see you, it had been about a month, and unlike our other long breaks, this one wasn’t due to a fight, I was just concentrating on school. I remember having a steak for dinner that night (it was a special occasion) and imagining you serving me dinner at our dining table far in the future. We talked the whole night. I was your center of attention. We were joking a lot about getting married, except I wasn’t joking. As the night went on, I realized you weren’t either. Throughout the night, I overheard you talking to other people there, people I didn’t know. They would ask you who this guy was who you were talking to all night. To some of them you said I was your boyfriend. To others, I was your husband. That really didn’t set in with me until later that night. I still kinda thought you were just being playful, that you were just happy to see me. Then later on, there was a girl bothering me. I was trying to be nice, I didn’t want to look like an asshole in front of you, but she wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t know what to do, because she was preventing me from talking to you. So I went to the bathroom, and texted you, asking you to help me. After that I went out for a smoke, and she of course followed. I remember like it was slow motion seeing you seeing her following me out. Like a shot out of a cannon you came flying outside. You asked me for a smoke, then immediately started laying into this girl. You could have said or done anything to get rid of her. You chose to tell her that I was your boyfriend and that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. My initial impression was that you were just helping me out like I asked. But as I stood there stunned, listening to you go off on her, I saw how angry you were at her. It was authentic. You weren’t making up a story, you weren’t just playfully flirting with me. That was really how you felt, at least on that night. Antoinette, that was the greatest and happiest night of my life. My only regret is that I didn’t kiss you right then and there under that awning, or tell you I loved you, or hell, even propose to you in that moment. Because in a split second, I went from being in love with you to realizing I wanted to spend every day of the rest of my life with you.
After that, things went downhill quickly. Over the next month I couldn’t figure out how to recapture the magic of that first summer night. Maybe I just blew it. I remember another night, Monday, July 8. Out of nowhere you told me that I couldn’t text you anymore because you had been in a relationship for a few months with someone else. It was the last thing I was expecting to hear. Utterly heartbroken, I wrote you my second letter. I regret a lot of things I said in that. I was really angry. I said goodbye, because I really felt like I had lost you for good. At least I finally told you I loved you, I just wish I had said that a lot sooner.
Over the next two months we didn’t talk at all. I tried (unsuccessfully) to move on. I was really sad for the rest of that summer. My only lifelong friend was staying with me, so that helped, but it was just such a rapid transition from what happened in June to what happened in July. As time went on, I caught some signals you put out that you missed me (or so I interpreted). It really meant so much to me, because I am so lost without you. Eventually I came back to see you. My focus was different this time. My goal wasn’t as much to win your heart as it was to just hang on to you and keep you in my life. I had missed you so much. It worked for a long time. I thought we were really becoming friends, a step that I had neglected at the beginning. We still fought sometimes, and along the way I managed to lose fb privileges as I had lost phone privileges before. But I still got to spend time with you, I still got to talk to you, and in a lot of ways I think we got closer than we had been before. You started opening up more, trusting me with intimate details of your life. But towards the end of the year, you told me you were taking a significant step in your relationship, and I heard you were getting a new job too. It was the day before I went home, and again I was crushed. Again it felt like you were gone forever.
I came back, without much hope, but with a renewed determination to make you mine. I knew, at the most, I had one more chance, I was just praying I would even get that. I started by beginning to develop a relationship with your family. They have always absolutely terrified me (and still do). I had spent the better part of the last two years avoiding them at all costs. But I’m really glad I got to know them a little better, especially your mother. All the impressions I had about her were wrong. She was so kind to me, it was almost like she took me in as her own son at a time when I was really struggling, not knowing if I would ever see you again. I came to see that all the qualities I loved so much about you, your strength, compassion, intelligence, and (obviously) beauty, they all came from her. I wouldn’t say we became friends, but for at least a month or so, I didn’t dread running into her; I actually looked forward to it.
At last I got to see you again. The ‘step’ in your relationship that I was so afraid of, for some reason it didn’t happen. I got the one more chance I needed, and I was determined to give it everything I had. I remember Valentines Day 2014. I was going to see you the night before, because I figured you had plans. But it snowed a ton that night, and when I arrived you weren’t there. That forced my hand a little bit. Going to see you, on Valentines Day, was one of the scariest things Ive ever done. I was completely vulnerable. And it turned out to be so perfect. You were genuinely happy to see me. I think you were impressed I mustered the courage to come in. We talked all night. I drank a bit too much, and had to leave without wrapping up the night properly, but for five or six hours, in a crowd of people, it felt like it was just you and me, together on Valentines. That night will always be a treasured memory for me.
Alas, because things were going well for us, it was time for me to screw up. And I did, big time, only a few weeks later. I did something really stupid. I was trying to impress you, I wanted to show you I could be the ‘bad boy’ that I know you wanted. God, thinking about it now, it was so dumb and immature. To be fair, as I was leaving I did hear you roaring with laughter, and I felt good about myself that night. But I think what everyone who was there really saw that night was that my drinking was getting out of control. In some ways maybe its good that all happened. I realized I was drinking more and more around you because I genuinely believed you liked me more when I was drunk (I think most people do). But then I realized what a fool I made out of myself, and how embarrassing that incident must have been for you in front of your friends. I am really sorry about that. At any rate, whatever progress was made on Valentine’s was completed eradicated by that night, and then some.
It took awhile to get back into your good graces after that. I started hearing more rumors that you were leaving, and I became paralyzed with fear of losing you once again. I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing, I just tried to spend as much quality time with you as I could and hope that things would work out. The last good memory I have between us was right before Easter. There was nothing exceptional about that night, we were just talking a lot and getting along really well. Something you said though has stuck with me, more than a year later. You talked about an ‘idea’ you had. I don’t remember exactly how, but it was something in the way you said it, that eventually brought me to this site. Since then I’ve written hundreds of letters to you here, because its been the only way I could express my feelings. That’s because the next time I saw you, you ripped me to shreds and stomped all over my heart. You told me you didn’t want to see me anymore. I tried to see you again, but I wasn’t allowed. I haven’t seen you or spoken to you since.
Well, that is until two Saturdays ago. I had tried calling you a few times over the last few months. I just so desperately wanted you back in my life. It has been so lonely and miserable this last year without you. I didn’t even know if the number I had was still yours, but I had to try. You answered two Saturdays ago, almost two years to the date of the first summer night of 2013. I was speechless for a moment, the conversation I had played out in my mind countless times over the last year just went blank. I guess it doesn’t really matter. You hung up on me almost immediately. I think the thing that hurts the most is that it seemed like you didn’t even remember who I am, like I never mattered at all to you. I was and still am completely devastated. I feel dead inside, just empty and broken and worthless. The next day, I barely made it through my graduation. As I walked across the stage to a considerably larger applause than I was expecting, completing my highest achievement and culminating an educational career that has spanned basically my entire life, I didn’t feel pride or even relief. I was just overcome with sadness, that out of the thousands of people there, family and friends and classmates, you were the only person I really wanted to be there. I was going to invite you, as my best friend and as the person most responsible for me making it through the last few years. But maybe you’re right. Maybe we can never be just friends, because I will always want more. I swear though, I would try my damndest if it meant you could be in my life again.
Well, we’re caught up to the present now, and I think I’ve already said more than enough. I think this is going to be my last letter to you, and while I’d love to give it to you personally, at this point that would probably result in a restraining order. Chances are, you will never see this. I used to believe you led me here, and then maybe that I actually led you here, but in reality both alternatives are most likely just a product of my overly optimistic mind. I needed to write this, I needed to put it all together in one letter, our entire story and the depth of my love for you. I know its going to take me a long time to recover from this. Not to forget about you or stop loving you, because that will never happen, and I don’t want it to. Just to beat the depression that is suffocating me right now. I’ve been dating a lot the last year. Honestly, I’ve probably never been as successful with women as I am now. I’ve learned a thing or two, and really, its pretty easy. You just have to be really confident and a bit of an asshole. Girls seem to like that. But no woman I’ve met before, and no woman since has even come close to holding a candle to how amazingly perfect you are in every way. I believe a man pursues what he wants, not just what he can have. I refuse to settle, and I’ve already seen the best this world has to offer. If I can’t be with you, I’m going to need to learn how to be content being alone, because I think I will be for a long time, maybe forever. But anyways, I’ll wrap this up, with a couple last thoughts I want to leave you with:
– I realized recently that, with the circumstances of our lives, I could have met you at any point in the five years before I actually did. At first I thought that if I had met you years before, and we had more history, maybe things would have played out differently. But I do believe that God puts people in our lives at the right time. Meeting you, when I did, was exactly what I needed to start getting serious about putting my life together. Besides, if you can believe it, I was even more immature and insecure before we met.
– When I met you, I was obsessed with money and power. I wanted to rule this city and own everything within it. As I fell deeper and deeper in love with you, I realized that just wasn’t that important to me anymore. All I really wanted was a family of my own. I wanted you to be my wife, I wanted you to be the mother of my children. Even though that didn’t come to pass, I am grateful to you for helping me see what my true priorities are in life.
– I don’t even know if you want kids yourself. But if you do, I would highly encourage you in that, because I think you will be a fantastic mother, especially considering the wonderful example you have in your own.
– Our mutual friend…I don’t even know what to say. You were right, I am delusional, I am a lunatic. If it wasn’t for him, I think I would have really gone off the rails a long time ago.
– Lastly, I want you to know that I fully support you in everything you do in life. Even though it may seem counterintuitive, that includes your relationship. I’ve seen pictures of you two, and you look so happy. More than anything else in this world, that’s what I want. I hope you never take for granted being able to be with the person you love, because that’s not something we all get in life.
When I texted you and said goodbye, that’s not what I was hoping for. Its just the last time I saw you, I didn’t say goodbye because I thought I would see you again. That’s eaten me up for the last year, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t make the same mistake. I pray there comes a day where I can see you again. Maybe with enough time we could try to be friends again someday, but I’m not expecting that. I will respect your wishes and not ever contact you again. It really hurts, believing you will never again see the person you hold most dear in the whole world. I’ve been through this with you before several times, but it feels permanent this time. I hope you get everything you want in life. Please take care of yourself, and always be happy! Don’t worry about me. I’m (just a little bit) more resilient than I seem. Meeting you was the best thing to ever happen to me. I will always remember you and cherish the time we spent together. And you will still visit me in my dreams and make me happy 🙂
I will love you forever,