• Insomnia

    by  • June 16, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I am not happy in this relationship. I cry every night because I feel like the loneliest person in this world. You are my boyfriend, and yet I feel so alone. We don’t connect anymore at all. But I love you so much. So much. And the fear of losing you shakes my soul. I dont know what I would do without you. All I want is you. Your love consumes me. I’m more than ready to shower you with affection and attention.

    I know ‘love’ for you means being best friends. Being your Hermoine. But most times I feel I haven’t even earned that place. Like I haven’t even got there yet.

    Everytime I see something or think of something, the first thing that comes to my mind is “Oh, I should so tell Parth about this”. I wish I get to be that for somebody. If not you, then somebody else. I want to be somebody’s first person to go if anything happens, first thought in the morning and last thought at night. In other words, I want to be to somebody, what you are to me. Somebody’s forever. I just wish that somebody will be you. If not today, then someday.

    I never said I want an epic romance in my life. I don’t want heroic feats done to get my attention. All I want is little things to show me that I am being thought about and missed and loved, and to be prioritized by the one I love. Not just to appease me, but just because he loves me and genuinely wishes to show me that he does.

    It’s the truth, Parth. I told you I have enormous trust issues. You may love me more than I can imagine. But words won’t ever have any effect on me unless they are intended to be hurtful. I only believe good things when they are acted out rather than merely spoken. I’m dysfunctional in that way.

    I know my current needs reflect poorly on what I said on the rooftop. But back then I still had my heart. Right now I have given it away. To you. And so I crave to be loved and adored. Because everybody to whom I have given my heart has done little else except walk all over it.

    I wonder sometimes if that is too much to ask. To be loved and adored. And that brings tears to my eyes. Everybody deserves love, don’t they?

    I suppose we burnt out as fast as we got together. There is no point in going on with strained hearts if both of us are burdened with the weight of misunderstanding. You had warned me on the random rooftop about not losing faith in people. But I suppose I leaped with reckless abandon and will be left shattered and forever broken inside. Forever with the thought that I am undeserving of any form of love.

    The fault isn’t yours; you had made yourself clear. It is entirely mine. Because sometimes, we create our own heartbreaks because of expectation.

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