• I won’t do friendship anymore

    by  • June 16, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Goodbye • 0 Comments

    This is an open letter,

    To anyone that’s reading this, I’m sorry for the deluge of “poor me” I’m about to unleash.

    I’m really hurt. Really hurt right now. I’m at the end of a friendship, a long term one, that I somehow managed to fuck up. Someone is mad at me, upset and hurt, but won’t believe anything I say.

    I think I deserve it. but it hurts so so much.

    They’ve not believed me for a long time about anything. I can’t tell them about my issues, and that’s the big thing here. I can’t tell them and they’re mad about that.

    They were my best friend. I feel like I can’t be hurt too. I tried to tell them this but it made it worse.

    So tonight I’ll just cry. And tomorrow I’ll get drunk alone. I’ll be just like the family I distanced myself from. Because I cannot let a friend know about a crippling fear that if they know everything about me, then I have nowhere to hide and they can hurt me more.

    Because I’m so terrified can’t arm someone with the knowledge of how to completely destroy me.

    I don’t think I’ll ever feel better. I think I’ve just backslid by two decades.

    I don’t even know if I’ll go to work tomorrow. I should. but there’s no way they won’t notice I’m not right. I feel like just holing up in my house for the rest of forever. I feel like never eating again. I feel like not waking up again.

    You probably think I’m over reacting. Maybe I am. but eight plus years of deep friendship with this ending is like dying. I feel dead inside. This was my one best friend. The person I cared most for out of anyone in my life.

    I put them on a pedestal, and I knew that I would never measure up. I tried to support and not ask for support. and as it has so many times before,it didn’t work. because I don’t give them enough. I give them everything I possibly can. But not that. I can’t give anyone that.

    It doesn’t seem to matter how far I’ve come, just how far I’ve got to go. I’ll never be what’s wanted. I never have been. Either I don’t fight for what I want enough or I fight too much. Either I don’t do enough or I do too much.

    But if I manage to survive this, I’ve made a vow to myself. I’ll never let anyone close ever again. I’d rather be alone, a miserable and a distant casual friend than ever feel this again.

    I guess I’d say sorry, but none of it really matters anyway and it’s not what they want.

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