• I am fucking losing my mind…

    by  • June 15, 2015 • To You • 0 Comments

    Dear Kevin,

    I fucking want to shoot you right now… Not literally, but you are driving me crazy… Seriously.

    I went from being a kind, normal sane person to someone who screams and yells and becomes possessive over a loser-jerk.

    I mean, seriously, your business is a fucking joke. You are poor because you made stupid mistakes and made poor choices. You can’t even do basic accounting. Despite all of this, I fell for the romance of being with you…

    The nice guy. The guy who was into permaculture and believed in sustainable living. The person who said he wanted a partner more than anything… And then, and then… Whammo!!! A whole bunch of shit fell into my lap.

    You don’t want a partner, you want a lapdog. And to believe you are 20 again. You are not 20 again, nor will you ever be. So go fucking sit on some mountain, do shrooms and leave me the fuck alone. Because you sure don’t want anything from me…

    You know, I don’t get guys like you. I just don’t. I could be the coolest girl in the world, but of you lie to me then you are done. And you lied. Big time. Again and again.

    You say you want to talk, then you disappear. You say you cry because I am leaving and then you leave. You are a big fucking baby.

    And all I want is some semblance of the truth. That I am never going to get. Yet I keep trying and trying, digging my heels in deeper and deeper until I am swimming in shit, bullshit actually. Your bullshit.

    You served your purpose and kept me away from my ex, now get the hell out of my life to make room for someone what cares for me. Really. And doesn’t just say that shit.

    Do you know how much that hurts? Any idea? No? I will give you an idea… Take a knife and slice it length – wise down your body until you can see your heart pulsating in your chest. That is how bad it hurts.

    So maybe that is why I am acting like a psychotic bitch. I thought you actually cared about me. I thought some of this was real. But nope, it was only bullshit to feed your ego.

    I don’t know where to go from here. Just walk away, I keep telling myself. Walk away. People like you thrive on drama, it is the only thing that adds dimension and character to your pathetic little life.

    And it is sad too, because really you have a great life, if you just stopped every once and a while to appreciate it.

    You know the sad thing? I have come to believe that no one can ever really,truly care for me. I had a moment where I realized that wasn’t true, but the last couple of days have all but squashed that from me.

    I won’t let you steal love from my life, or my believing that I can have it. No one deserves that power no one. Not even a sadistic mother-fucker like you.

    I could keep trying to dig the truth out of you, but I have a feeling even you don’t know. Or I could block your number, cry a few tears and walk away. I could also try to stay your ‘friend’, but I have actual friends and they would never treat me like this, nor do I need a friend like you. So yeah, I guess I am blocking you.

    This is going to suck, big time, because my blocking you gives you all the power to know you hurt me. In trade, I get my peace of mind.

    I didn’t tell you this, but I am scared that it is me, all me, that is responsible for my lack of ltr’s. I blow things up. I can’t get close to people because I am scared they will not like what they see, so I blow things up. All of this may be true. Possibly is true. Hell, most likely is.

    But this blew up because of your actions, your lack of clarity about yourself and wanted in life. And really, what did I expect from a man who didn’t realize he couldn’t spend the profit from his business until after paying his net 30 invoices? Really? It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you need to pay your bills before you can spend your m money… On stupid shit… Like a pool stick. Jesus Christ!!!

    I may have lost my mind, but I am beginning to think you never had one in the first place.

    Men and women out there, don’t rely on the words someone writes or what they say. Listen only to actions. They speak the truth.

    Peace. I am going to go dig up something to love about myself again. And forget that you even existed.

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