Well, how can I really start. First I must repeat what you already know. I love you with all my heart. You have literally changed my life in a way I cannot describe well. You have been my best friend and became the one I truly love. I cannot thank you enough for that, and, frankly, I doubt I will ever make it up to you. But, I really don’t know what’s gonna happen next.
As I have said, I’m not mad at you. I never was, never. It’s just that, this is all very confusing and painful to me. Even after I told you how I felt, and you said no, you still tried to stand by my side. I must say, you did a great job. I really don’t know how we are even closer now, how we have this daily 9 hour conversations. It all sort of happened I guess. I guess I’m really the problem here,
My illusion, my glimmer of hope, or me being stubborn, I don’t know how to call it, may be the real problem here. Every day I get my hopes up. The way we talk to each other, the way we hang out, the way we hold each other in those moments, all of that gets my hopes up. Then you mention him. Then I see a post about him on facebook. Then you laugh at his texts and eagerly reply with a smile. That’s when my soul breaks apart. I say nothing because, well, you are happy.
It’s been three years since we met each other. We’ve been best friends since a year and a half. You have known about my real feelings for half a year now. We’ve been through a lot. We have been in each other’s best moments and celebrated together, but we have also seen each other at our lowest, darkest times. I’ve never told you this, but, I have lived this past year and a half for you. I have dedicated my life to your happiness. All those times I’ve told you I wasn’t busy, I won’t lie again, I’ve been with my hands full on multiple times, but your smile at the end makes it all worthwhile.
Last time we talked about my feelings, I said that I was working on getting over them. On getting my life back on track. I, I really don’t know about my progress. There are days that I feel stupid for having suffered what I have and I say no more, but then there are days where I cry myself to sleep and the pain in my chest won’t go away. It’s best that these days remain a secret, as I don’t want you to worry about me.
Lately, all I have been feeling is anger, followed by a period of depression. I’ve come to the conclusion that, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I love you and how much I wish for it, I won’t be more than your best friend. That causes so much pain to me. I really don’t know if I’m worthy of you, or if my mind is playing tricks on me, and I really can’t think clear in this state. I just constantly
remember that maybe we aren’t meant to happen.
There are these little voices inside of me, who all shine depending on my mood. The first voice, the happy voice, shines the brightest when I’m with you. It tells me to take a good look at you. TO take a look at your hair, at your eyes, your nose, everything, you as a whole. It tells me how lucky I am for having a best friend like you and to be honored that you call me your best friend. It tells me to love you with all I got and try and make you happy, to not waste a single moment with you. But then, as you mention him, that voice suddenly stops. And out comes the second voice.
This second voice, it just says one thing. That it’s not gonna happen. That you are falling for another guy and I’m just a friend. This voice squashes all attempts from the first voice to try and make me happy, to try and stay positive. This voice may very well be a reality check. It may just be trying to pull me back into the real world, and, apparently, the real world hurts, and it hurts a lot.
This voice keeps telling me that I’m not good enough, that maybe I didn’t try hard enough, that maybe I couldn’t possibly give it my all. This is the voice that tells me all my effort meant nothing. And after this second voice drowns with my tears, out comes the third voice. This third voice, it’s just pure anger and resentment. It tells me that the second voice was right, that I’m not worthy enough, that I didn’t try enough and that I’m just plain stupid for still loving you, for submitting myself to this torture. And I’m guessing that, somehow, I got used to this. Maybe I got used to feeling myself break apart when I think of you. This voice is the one that makes me punch my pillows at night. This voice reminds me that I’m not good enough.
Then, this fourth voice kicks anger out of me and it’s the voice that tries to pull me out of my misery. The voice that reminds me of everything I have accomplished at my young age. It takes the form of the people I know, of all the people that have told me how great they think I am, how much I’ve made a difference in their lives and in our surroundings. It’s this voice that tells me to chin up, to keep moving forward and that I’m destined to do great things, and what I’m going through right now is just a test of what’s coming. That I could be so much more. That I’m letting myself get pulled down by this matter. That I need to let you go.
Now that life and college will make us go our different ways, I still haven’t decided if it’s a good or a bad thing. Good, because I can finally start med school. Good, because that way I can follow my other passions in life. Good because I would be able to meet new people, and test the bonds between me and my best friends. Then comes the depressing stuff. That’s when I think of you. When I begin to wonder how this will affect us. Because it will. It’s gonna be at least a year until we see each other again. Who knows what will change in that year. I know, you know, you have even said even though I have tried to deny it, but deep down I know things won’t be the same. You won’t poke my face again, or mess up my hair, wear my glasses or fall asleep on my shoulder again. We won’t stay up all night just talking to each other, to the most mundane of things to the deepest secrets we have told nobody else. I won’t be able to hold you, I won’t be able to stroke your hair and hold your hand again.
And, after all of that, I still don’t know if it’s gonna be good for me. I’m just trying to hope that distance will make my feelings go away. That, by not seeing you everyday will make my pain go away. I’m just scared that you will go away with my feelings. I’m afraid that my feelings will make me lose you.
Lately, I’ve come up to a conclusion. That I shouldn’t live my life for you. That maybe, after all this time, I’m really the only cause of my suffering. That I should let you go and not worry that much about you. That I need to take care of myself. Sometimes I try and live by that decision. Other times, I just break down thinking that I’m way too egocentric about this. That I love you, and will always care about you. That it’s an instinct I have to protect you, to make you happy. Then I start to think I should fight this instinct. Because, after all, you already have someone to look after you.
Anyway, there’s only a week left until I go away. With me finished with my exams, I have this great urge to see you, to just be with you and tell you again how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I have this urge to hold your hand, hug you, and never let go. You didn’t do good in school, so you are still stuck there, and you claim to be penniless and out of time to be with me one last time before I go away. I don’t know how to feel about that. One part tells me to spend that time with other friends and just get over it. Another part makes me start to cry, thinking that that lackluster night was the last time I’m gonna see you in a year. Especially, that you shunning me was the last interaction I’m gonna have with you. You claim to love me in a special way that you haven’t felt for someone else, that I deserve “better” than you and I should move on. Yet you ask about your looks, say that you miss me and need me, and that you won’t know what to do when I’m gone. It’s all so confusing. Then when his texts appear, my mind clears up after a period of sorrow.
I really don’t know what to do next. I’ll miss you so much. I’ll miss your hand on my face and hair. I’ll miss your weight on my body when we are alone. Heck, I’ll even miss your teeth on my arm when you bite me. Yet, I know that I’m still only your best friend. And that’s the thing that bothers me. I keep saying “only your best friend”. As if that wasn’t enough. As if having your entire trust wasn’t enough. That’s when the guilt kicks in.
I’ve made the same mistake that my friends and probably all the people at school made. That you felt the same way. That we were a couple. That I meant something more for you. I was willing to go the extra mile for you, I WENT the extra mile for you, and I’m still willing to risk it all for you. But, if you don’t want that, I need to accept that. I need to understand that I can’t make you happy that way, and that I probably never will. I need to understand that I can’t accomplish everything. That there are certain things that simply won’t change. Things out of my control. Things that, no matter how hard I try and love you, won’t change. This is probably the part I can’t understand. Or maybe, I can’t tolerate the idea of never ever hold you or kiss you like I want to.
Like I’ve said before, you are the ray of light that abruptly came into my life. These past 3 years have been the best in my life. This last year has been the best ever. I won’t deny that the past 6 months included the most challenging ones in my life and probably the worst in my life. I can’t say I haven’t cried, that I haven’t suffered. But maybe it was all to make me a better man in the future, maybe it was life’s weird way to teach me something or maybe just test me. The only things that I can assure right now is that I’m lucky and thankful for my life. That I probably have opportunities that a lot of people might never had, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful that I have amazing friends that will stick with me no matter the distance and time. I’m grateful and excited for this new part of my life that I will begin, and I’m grateful to my parents for their support. But, above all, I’m grateful for having been able to experience true love at just 18. I’m grateful for having you in my life, for making me so happy that I can’t describe it, and, I’m happy and thankful to life for letting me fall in love with my best friend.