• I still love you

    by  • June 14, 2015 • * Safe for Work * • 0 Comments

    I don’t like this business of sending constipated anonymous letters. It is quite contradictory to my nature in love, but in sync with my personality. I was always bolder in love, darling, and with you, I crossed all my limits and boundaries and reached such great heights that I crashed with a loud thud, breaking into a thousand pieces. You used me to fill a void in your life, you cheated on me, and you are dating other people. It hurt me, and it still hurts me.
    But every song that goes on youtube (especially the ones in red) are all for you. I know you probably swore to yourself you’ll never ever come back to me, not even virtually, and maybe that’s why you’ve stopped visiting me. It’s disappointing, but quite strangely, my love for you defeats my defeated soul. I wish I could just post this letter on my blog for you to read, but I know you wouldn’t read, because you don’t visit me anymore. I don’t know what is it that makes me sadder..if I am sad because I don’t get your attention in the form of these infrequent visits, I am just looking for an ego boost. But if I am sad because I feel ‘stuck’ inside because I am unable to express my overwhelming emotions for and against you inside my heart, then I am in a really bad place, like most heartbroken people in this world are. There are moments when I doubt my love for you, because my feelings run hot and cold as far as you are concerned, but each time a song makes me FEEL, I fall in love with you. Again. No, I feel like wanting to love you. I miss that the most. I don’t miss you as a person, but I miss how I felt around you. I know that the world, full of intuitive people like Appy and Abby (and even you) think we aren’t meant for each other, but each time I was with you, all I felt inside my head and heart was that it felt right to be with you, even if you turned out to be the wrong person because you broke my heart.
    I know I don’t matter to you. I never did. I don’t know if I am unluckier than the woman who lost the love of her life (who too was madly in love with her) in an accident. Maybe I should get my happiness out of two things: You are alive, and I am the one who’s suffering. It’s better to be the one who suffers than to make someone suffer. I don’t know if you still feel the pain of being the latter (sometimes I want you to, because I still want you to stay connected to me). There are moments when I lose hope. But there are those sunshine moments when I feel my heart telling me that you belong to me. I wish it said we could get married to each other. I know that it is what I want deep inside my heart, but it will most probably remain a daydream. I don’t like you, trust you, or respect you enough to make you my husband. Sounds ironical to be saying that I still love you. And I’d still do any damn thing for you.
    But God doesn’t want me to. You let God down too.
    I’ll be fine if you never come back to me, I’ll be fine if you belong to someone else, I’ll be fine as long as you’re fine, but I won’t be fine when I’ll have to belong to somebody else. Whether you accept it or not, I still belong to you. I can’t express my love because I can’t risk being hurt by you again, and again, and again. I will never express my love for you again..I hope that I don’t shed a single tear should we bump into each other ever in live, and I hope that I am happier than you are (or at least appear to be, to you). I may not be good at drama, darling, but I am good at acting. Or should I say, keeping a straight face. You know best.
    I still sing for you..and till I sing for you, I am yours. Whether you are/were mine was never the question..it never mattered. Take care of yourself and your parents. I hope you stay single. Just come back, and stay forever in my bosom. I am done losing my dignity for you, but you’re yet to do that.
    Waiting in line..I hope to be the last.
    I feel like saying ‘I love you so much’ to you, but I can’t do anything except wait, and beat myself up about it. Longing and pining for a ‘lover’ who doesn’t even love us is one of the worst feelings in the world. I hate God at times for trying my patience. Our so-called, one-sided love story (neither of us know if you love me..99.9 percent you do not, but still..) will also remain adhuri I think..
    I still want to kiss you..I know you’ve forgotten how my lips felt against your lips. I still want to hug you and feel ‘complete’.
    And I may have sounded mad above because I am..
    How can so many unsent letters and unrealised daydreams not have had ANY effect on you? God, it hurts and fills me with light at the same time..I love you :*

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