Hope this finds you well.
I had a lot to say and a lot to talk to you about in person but that day never came -and you were right -the day or even week after we parted ways was not the time to talk because neither you were in the right frame of mind to listen and nor was I in the right frame of mind to speak.
While you might not even read it, and there really is no purpose because I have nothing to prove, I know you told me my last letter meant “fuck all” but writing is my way of being able to speak.
Now that the dust has settled and we are on different paths, I would appreciate if you can read this with an open mind, at least for the sake of the good memories we had shared.
I have finally decided to say what I have wanted to say over the past months but the opportunity never came. Its time to eliminate my fear and be open. “If its still on your mind, it is still worth the risk”
We always wanted the same things from life – family, love and support. The ways we thought about things were never very different. No matter how hard you try and convince yourself, at some level you know very well that we have always wanted the same from life and in fact each other. Our approaches and actions might have been different but our dreams, intentions and thoughts never were. Actions can be misleading, intentions can never be.
I was the biggest sceptic of any attachment but you managed to teach and guide me differently- as independent as you thought I was- you have no idea how dependent I was on you. I always had a hope that a man like you would be able to understand me one day and see the through my eyes and into my heart- which you definitely did.
I have been the pessimist that no relationship is perfect but I had always looked at you as the one I wanted to be with. The one I would spend the rest of my life with. Yes we hurt each other, I hurt you and you hurt me. I chose to stay, because behind every tear i shed, my heart was happy and the truth is I could only hurt because i cared so much.
I went into the relationship with the best thoughts, feelings, values and intentions and left with the same, except with a broken heart.
I know you hesitant because I wrote to you before, and things did not work out, but I believe we moved miles ahead from where we were. Yes i slacked and I admit to that- old habits die hard but i do think we progressed.
I know you felt trapped and isolated because you felt smothered by my needs and wants, you felt stuck and like you lost yourself and felt like less of a man because you did not feel appreciated and were worried that you could not make me happy and that i didn’t understand you.
You pointed out my flaws on many occasions (that I was selfish, worried about materialistic things, didn’t try with your friends and family, didnt show enough appreciation) to try and help me save the relationship- to help me be a better person, because you cared and wanted me to succeed. At the time I did not see it that way and really took it personally. Im sorry for attacking you back, I should have realised you were trying to help me and get me out of my own rut.
Truth is I never wanted the diamond ring, i never wanted the big house, I never wanted you to be friends with my mom (how could i expect it from you when i could never be)- I only found out after but I know you attempted to sort things out with my mother- which i greatly admire, because honestly if I was in your shoes I would never have been so brave. All i wanted was you and commitment from you that you would be by my side forever. What ever life dealt us we would have dealt with together.
I realise how i should have put my pride aside and looked at things from your point of view. You had your own stresses about work, your house and family and yet you were still trying to help and support me. I should have stopped the fighting and given you the love you deserve, been home on time, made you a nice dinner and cuddled you on the couch.
Sometimes my actions or words did not show it but I can guarantee you that you were my number one, i would have given up everything for you and consequently I did, not because you asked me to but because I wanted to.
To this day, I never regret falling in love with you. You were the most amazing person that came into my life in a long time and being with you was the best thing that happened to me. I have seen, felt and experienced the emotions that run inside you. The best place in the world is in the arms of someone who will not only hold you at your best but will pick you up at your worst and that was you. I truly believe you are my soul connection.
I am logical, analytical and with all it’s power sometimes my mind told me to walk away but I let my heart decide because my mind wanted to safe but my heart knew what made me happy. The first time i saw you my heart whispered “thats the one”.
Disappointments and differences are as much parts of a relationship as the moments that are great. What we had between us was good. The understanding, the compassion, the warmth- everything was there.
But I always knew and feared that I had baggage and the rough patches would come along the way.
The only regret that I have is the fact that everything we had between us went in vain just because of misunderstandings or misinterpretations. Every situation in life can be resolved if only there is fight for and an honest effort to work towards solving it.
I hope you never feel what I have felt these last few months because believe me, it’s the most miserable feeling ever. Moments you get torn apart into shreds from inside, you die in parts and you lose bits and pieces of your soul.
When we started our journey, we were at opposite ends of the world. We started walking towards each other, there were bumps along the way but then it became an amazing walk. But you saw the dark stopped in your tracks, started walking back and convinced yourself that the sun will never shine again. I kept walking to you expecting it to stop sometime soon, expecting it to be ok again.
I tried to fight all the adversities and go the extra bit to be by your side but by then I think you were gone.
People meet for reasons. People meet because they’re meant to be a part of each other’s journey. I may not know it now. You may not know it now. But there was a reason why we met. Our paths have crossed to teach each other a lesson and I want you to know that I learned a lot from you. You made me feel things i have never before in each and every moment we were together. Some people come into your life and you know you will never be able to replace them if they leave.
Next to you i felt proud. May be it was my pride in you that made me blind towards what was coming. I was ready and praying for my next steps beside you. Regardless of the circumstances regardless of the opinions of the world. You have no idea of the amount of happiness you brought into my life. I will always have a piece of my heart that smiles when i think of you.
If you have read this far, then I can only say thank you reading.
I can’t thank you enough for being a part of some of the most wonderful moments in my life. If I had given you even one moment of happiness, I will feel honored and privileged. I wish things were different but some things in life are perhaps just not meant to be- I know to mess up once is a lot to swallow to mess up twice is a huge disgrace from side.
I have never held any grudge against you and I never will. I have never blamed you for anything.
It always takes two for all the good and the bad things that happen.
Maybe I hope too much, maybe I dream too much. But i wont give up until ive tried, and i wont regret anything.
I know you want to move on, leaving the past behind-
I want to make it up to you,
I hope you will give me the chance
“Say what you need to say, then say a little more. Say too much. Show too much. Love too much. Everything is temporary but love. Love outlives it all” ~ R. Queen