• Confusion at its finest

    by  • June 12, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    What’s the point of dating if I can’t really see a future with you? What’s the point of getting hopes up that I know I will let down eventually? That’s not fair to you, that’s not really fair to me either because I could be using that time to meet new people and maybe meet someone that is “the one.”

    I kind of have always believed that love is not real. That sounds worse than i mean it, I believe one person can be in love with another person, but for two people to be in love with each other, it just doesn’t seem real. Yes, my parents have been together for almost 30 years, but that just seems normal to me, I guess. I think I’m scared to find out if it’s real, but I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t think I am grown up enough to be in a relationship. I know I’m not the “hook up” type of person, I don’t think random hook ups are great, but it’s nice not having to be attached to anyone. I’m not a relationship person either, so I don’t know what I am. I think me not dating is because I still don’t know who I am yet or what I want.

    So much has changed in the past year or so. I went from being extremely depressed and hating everyone around me in high school to being this happy person, still with an eating disorder, trying to travel the world. I have so much love in my heart for so many different things and I care so deeply for people now, I just don’t know what to do with it. I want to use it to make the world better and make myself happier than ever. I feel that if I use all that up on one person right now, it would take away from me being able to find out who I truly am and be totally and completely happy.

    The thing that sucks about this is that I do still have feelings for people. I just get scared of them and end up hurting them. I lead them on, like how I’ve lead you on, I guess. And it sucks because I still want them in my life, but I realize that I can’t be too selfish or they will end up more hurt than me in the end. You asked if we could take things slow after I told you I’m not ready for a relationship, and I told you no. You asked if I have see anything ever happening and I told you no. I’m so sorry for that. I meant it though. At this moment in time, I can’t do any of that. I also can’t say “I don’t know” because that would keep you holding onto me, but you need to move on until one day, maybe I’ll be ready for a relationship and maybe we’ll still be friends and maybe you will be the one who gets to be that person to me. But right now, it just doesn’t seem right. It’s not fair to you at all, and I hate hurting you because I guess I have been leading you on for awhile now.

    I don’t really know the point of this letter anymore. I wanted to explain myself to you and to apologize and I don’t know if I got that across as well as I had hoped. This time when I say it’s not you, it’s me, I really truly mean that. Because I do have feelings for you, but I am just simply not at a point in my life right now where being in a relationship would be good for either person. I really tried to have relationship feelings, whatever that is. I really considered it, but then I talked myself out of it when I thought about everything I would be giving up for a relationship that I know will bring nothing to the table but lots of worry and “long distance” if you consider a half hour long distance. For me, the bad outweighs the good in this situation. And yes, that might sound selfish, but I do have to think about myself first before getting into a relationship because once I’m in a relationship, one becomes two and it’s just too hard at that point to do anything because I’m in too deep. I don’t know when this will change, I’m assuming this mindset will change, but for now, I need to do this for me and for you. I’m sorry.

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