• Nothing gold can stay.

    by  • June 11, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    It makes me really sad how intent you are on hurting my feelings. You have chosen to make a mountain out of a mole hill and instead of working on our relationship, you have decided to hurt me instead.

    I was hurt because you decided to ditch me to go do something else. I was angry, but I calmed down and tried to explain how I was feeling. You wouldn’t stop digging at me. You blew it out of proportion. You were mean and hurtful. It was my fault. How selfish of it was me for getting mad that you changed plans and wanted to go do something else? Why would you make plans with me and then tell me when I arrive at your house that you were going to go do something else and waste my time? It was rude and that’s all I wanted you to say – I’m sorry, I know this is sudden, but I need to go do X. We’ll hang out soon. But you couldn’t admit that it was a rude act. You acted like I was attacking you, like I was infringing on your rights to do whatever the fuck you want. You always do what you want – I never ask you for anything. But you take and you take. And you don’t think about how any of it impacts me. It wasn’t about what you were going to do, but the way you went about it with me, the way you cancelled on me. But you don’t care enough to hear beyond your own words.

    If roles were reversed, you would get mad at me for blowing you off. But it doesn’t matter how I feel because you need to be right. I’m never right. I’m always wrong. How dare I get upset with you at all? Aren’t I just supposed to sit around and never tell you anything that bothers me? Just do whatever works for you.

    And now it’s the silent treatment. I’ve apologized twice, sincerely and genuinely, but you just want to hurt me. It’s been two days and you’re completely uninterested in trying to communicate or work this out or try to see from my point of view at all. You want power and you want control. And you have it. You made a mountain out of a mole hill, a simple argument into a catastrophic fight. Instead of working it out or talking about it, you just want to hurt me and be in control.

    I love you. Even now. But you’re so intent on blaming me for everything – you’re so defensive and cruel when you get mad. There is no room for me in this relationship. It’s all about you. How you feel. What you need. What you want to do. And maybe I’ll be better off without you. I won’t have to worry if I’m making you mad. I won’t have to worry that if I tell you that I’m upset or bothered by something, you’ll lapse into defensive mode and say terrible things to me that really makes me never want to open up.

    I don’t get it, how you can be so cruel over such a small thing. As much as I love you, I love me, too, and I won’t allow you to bully me forever…

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