• Slow and painful

    by  • June 9, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 0 Comments

    I’ve always thought that I was that kind of person. The one who loves to cheer people up, crack some jokes, smile 24/7, the one who makes every adventure with her friends enjoyable and memorable.

    That’s what I always thought…but I was wrong.

    I started spending more time with myself. The darkness that surrounds my room was so comforting, and I was grateful for my thick curtains. The silence was music to my ears, it sounds so relaxing. Slowly, I started to acknowledge my deepest, darkest thoughts.

    I wish I never had.

    Because of the comfort that my room provided, I hardly went out. I made up reasons so that I wouldn’t hang out with my friends. They started hanging out more often even without me, and they had fun. My thoughts started intruding as I scrolled through their photos on social media.

    ‘You’re not important. You can get easily replaced.’

    I shoved that thought to the back of my head. More and more, I felt like I didn’t matter and I thought how my friends didn’t really invite me to hang out with them because I’m fun or that they care about me, they just need someone to help them lessen the amount of shit to pay for snacks and all that.

    ‘Your friends don’t really need you, they just wanted to use you.’

    Shut up.

    It’s been months and I’ve assured myself that the bond I’ve made with my friends is just an illusion. I’ve stuck with people I’m not really close with because I am not yet capable of doing everything myself. I still continue to smile and look like I have a great time. I like to act like my old self in the hopes of getting that person back even though I know that it will never happen.

    ‘Everyone is full of shit. No one really cares. Do you even care about yourself?’

    Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

    ‘Stop trying to be friends with anyone, you’re gonna piss them off anyways. They’re going to hate you.’

    Shut the fuck up.

    ‘Do you feel jealous because your friends can continue without you? Don’t be. Hey, you see that adorable couple over there? Haha, you will never be that happy.’

    I don’t crave to be in a relationship. I just want to be genuinely happy and have someone who cares about me.

    ‘Of course we do, but that’s never gonna happen. Hey, do you remember how amazing pain feels like?’

    Pain? What kind of pain?

    ‘Grab a blade. You miss it, don’t you? You don’t cut because you are miserable, you like to cut because you enjoy the feeling of pain. Do you remember?’

    Yes.

    I never thought of how dangerous my mind could be, of how it left me in this depressed state. I’m in pain inside every single day but no one would notice. No one would notice because that smile on my face and the way that I act are still the same. I want someone to talk to and share about this but I don’t trust the people I used to call my friends. I’m not suicidal, I just want someone to understand and help me get over this depressed state. I also want to fix things myself, because I got myself into this mess and I sure as hell want to get out. This is why I wrote this letter. I want to type down what I feel so I don’t have it bottled up inside me. I need to get better, but I have to start the healing process with myself. I want my inner thoughts to think positively like it did before, not the negative shit that is poisoning me.

    I need to be better.

    I will get better.

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