Bear with the grammar, I’m just throwing it all out there.
Well, here I am again writing about you. It helps me feel better with this mess that I am going through. You know I am a romantic and so I write down my thoughts. Since the previous time, things haven’t changed that much. I found out that you went back to him after our thing ended and was a little hurt, as I began to believe that that was the real reason why you ended things with me, but I got over it haha. Our contact has been very little to what it used to be and thats ok. I slowly began to believe that I was moving on and getting over you throughout spring and it was getting better. But I made a huge mistake late april/ early may. I asked to hang out with you. I wanted to see you and catch up, thinking that we could just connect on a platonic level. However, the moment I saw you jump out of your car in a white dress and smilie at me, I knew I fucked up. We smilie, and talked, and laughed, and had ice cream, and played pool, and talked some more, and had a great time. I went to class afterwards with a giant smile on my face as I believed our friendship would be great.
Deep down though, I knew, I just knew I wanted you more than a friend. So the month of may I sort of began thinking about you. I mean, I thought about you before, but this time was different. I missed walking in to class with you, making you laugh in philosophy, your good morning and good night texts, your voice. I though about you/us way more than I should. I thought about asking you to be my friend with benefits. I just began to find you more attractive the more time went on. As it goes, We want something we can not have.
The end of may rolled around and I asked you to do something again. You declined and I respected that and knew that we would hang again. Life seemed great to me, but I was doing something so wrong. I was thinking to myself that we would hang out and be friends, when reality I wanted to date you again. So this past Saturday, I woke up and jumped on Facebook. To my surprise my feed read…”My lover is in a Relationship”. I was happy for you and smiled at first, but then got instantly sad. I might have felt a little angry I guess. I finally, consciously, realized that I was still into you and removed you from Facebook.
So here I am lover, I haven’t moved on from you. I want to, I do, but I’m just having trouble and I don’t know why. After some thought, I believe it was because of three main reasons. One, you were my first. First time a girl gave me her number haha. First time I really got to know a lovely woman. First time a girl has wanted to date me haha. First date. First time for intmancy with a woman. First kiss. The first person is the hardest to let go if it’s your only person. You probably don’t think its sweet or anything, but I waited for the longest time to just feel something with a girl, but I wanted it to be special. I choose to do all that with you, because you are special to me. Second, the companionship you brought me was great. Then I didn’t socialize that much and now I’m better and have more friends just not as much as I would like. That will surely change in Rolla though. Anyways, we texted everyday and just had a great time talking to each other. As I said, I looked forward to seeing you at every opportunity I got. I made a really great friend out of someone I used to cuss out in high school. You were there to ask me questions and answer mine, and laugh at my dumb jokes that made your mom question yourself. When you ended things; It all stopped. I lost a friend. When I just removed you on Facebook, I felt like a part of me was just misplaced. I felt that I couldn’t see how your life was going or vice versa. I wanted you to see that I was having a good life and wanted to share it. I wanted to see that you were having a good life too which made me happy too. Third, I believe I should’ve removed you of Facebook when our fling ended. Periodically, I was tempted to look at your page and just see what you were up too, if you were dating someone again. I mean I didn’t do it often, just once in awhile when I though about you. It didn’t help that your fucking beautiful. Every time you updated your profile picture, I just smiled. I was happy that you were doing better and I am attracted to you.
So this sort of delayed me from moving on. I was doing it wrong from the start. I believed that I could move on and remove any romantic feelings for you, but keep you has a Facebook friend. Instead of removing those feelings, however, I shoved them back in my mind. Of course, when we hung out, they just resurfaced. I don’t know why I still have feelings for you, lover. I just do. As I said though, I don’t want that.
I want to love you, but unconditionally. As a friend, where we can hangout, have a great time, without me falling for you like another friend. I know you’ve moved on from me and are starting something new with another guy. I’m happy for you, but I’m not happy that I haven’t seem to have gotten over being with you even when our thing was a little over a month. Makes no sense, I know right! I don’t want to bring my feelings up with you, and surely don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. With this I believe the best course of action was to remove you, possibly block you if I get tempted to look up your bitch ass again lol. I hope you won’t notice, which I don’t think you will. I think I tried to put more work into trying to be friends, just like our month of dating, than you. Not that you don’t care, or I intentionally wanted to one up you, I just wanted it more. That is the problem. There was no balance. I wanted you more than you wanted me. Which I’ve realized means I’m not 100% over you yet.
This brings me to the future. Part of me is sad, part of me is happy. I really hope you don’t notice that I removed you and think badly; like you did something wrong. This is not the case if you ever read this you would understand (maybe). As I look on I’m happy that we had the opportunity to be better friends that we were in high school. I’m happy that I can share that I had my first kiss with You. I’m happy that we are moving on from east central (fucking finally!) and going to school and studying things we love. But I’m also sad. I’m sad that things will never be the same as they were before we were dating. I’m sad we can’t share conversations of what we did that day. I’m sad that maybe you don’t want to be my friend anymore since I removed you and such. I’m sad that as we move into living the lives we want, that time will only diminish what we have more. I’m sad that eventually it well be back to what it was before fall 2014. Back too nothing, no friendship, nothing. I feel as if you have already begun this and I have not. I feel as if you don’t miss me and forgot the fun we had.
Heartache sucks! You and I both know it. Sometimes with break ups people say, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. This is quite the opposite with me although I wouldn’t go as far. It also sucks to be a romantic. I’m trying to keep everything from you to not make things any worse or weird that what it needs to be. Part of me thinks that if you read any of this or find out how I feel, that you will think I’m a crazy stalker and want nothing to do with me. I just keep thinking about it when I should just let it go; let you go. That’s how I feel now and I’m trying my best to change that and stay sane. I want you to think that I have moved on, but right now I just seem to be in the same place as I was after our last date when you kissed me goodbye. In love with the though of being in love with you, my Pocketful of Sunshine.
– Until then