• How do i live ?

    by  • June 8, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 9 Comments

    How do i live without you?
    It is easy to say, get over her, or, well you were never with her anyway so it wasn’t love, move on with your life you’re obsessing.

    That is so very easy to say, and worse by the fact i am with someone and love another, i have heard those arguments of why stay with who you’re with.
    Simply because they love me and i know the pain it would cause, i would only have left had the one i love, loved me too, and even then not easily, i am not the sort of man who likes to hurt people.
    I would prefer i never knew you.
    But i do or rather, did. And i fell in love. And that love was and is, unconditional.
    I don’t mean then, i would love to share your bed, i mean that when i was around you, you made everything joyful, you smiled and i felt i would burst with happiness.
    You laughed and the feeling in me was so great that if i were in the midst of a thunderstorm i would notice only that sweet sound of your laugh.

    Do you even know you’re perfect? I know you know you are attractive, but to me you are the most beautiful, perfect person on earth. I often think surely that cannot be, surely there are others out there better at this or that, better looking, taller,shorter.
    But it doesn’t seem so to me, i look at you and i see someone who, just as they are, is everything and amazingly and utterly perfect in every aspect.

    I tried so hard to not say those words, if i never spoke them then maybe i could forget, get over you. Until you spoke of others, spoke of wanting things that would remove you from my life. I simply grew afraid, afraid that a fledgling friendship was not the sort of glue to keep you in my life against all other things and that once they came about, new relationships, travel, i would see less and less then nothing at all of you.

    And by then what use to say “i love you”?
    I thought wrongly because of course if i had never told you, then you would still be in my life, you would be there growing closer and increasing the bond that maybe just one day, would have had a chance to be what i wanted, and if not, then at the least i would still know you.

    But because of that fear of loss, because of course i was stupid, i told you i loved you. And of course the friendship even by then, was not so strong as to stand this revelation.
    Since then i tried to move on, as i say, i am with someone, but it has not made me forget, it has not healed a heart torn into shreds.
    I have cried i hurt every day. And i swear the truth is, every single day, i have thought of you, every day.

    If there was a magic to make you love me, i would cast its spell, selfish of me i know, and as often as i think that, i also pray that you are happy.
    I would die for you, and more, i have prayed that if in your life you sin, that in death, i may take that upon my soul, that you not suffer, for to me i love so much that i would even refused your love, do anything to help you.

    I ache and feel near tears when i have heard of you, times are tough and i want to come to you and comfort you.
    Even have i been told of negative aspects of you and my instinct is to want to leap to your defence even though you are in the wrong, because in that i love you this much, i would always be for you, no matter what.

    But no magic, no prayer can bring you to love me, and so choked with sorrow, i pass through another day. Wake up, you’re not there and i wish you were.
    Throughout the day i think of you, if the sun is shining it is a little duller than others perceive it to be, because for me, it can never shine so bright as when i knew you and were in your life.
    But when it is cloudy and dull, it is, if memories of time spent near you, are brought to mind, as if the day is the best of summer.

    I would do anything just to pull the hands of time backwards, doomed to a friendship alone, it would be enough. And to have you love me? Ask a sacrifice or a labour, i will.
    Even now, of my body i would give if there was need, not sexually, i mean if you needed medically, blood etc.
    Even now, i would turn down a millionaires wealth, to have a day being loved by you.
    Oh that love has a power then at least in that you are loved utterly and completely then you’d have the best of luck, the happiest of lives and protection from danger that my love would will for you.

    I miss you so much, i do not know how to handle it, i want free of this burden, i want to stop loving a dream, i want to see you as flawed and imperfect.
    But i can’t, no more than i can cause you to feel this way for me.
    I want then in absence of that, to tell you, tell you this, i know i told you i love you, but i did not tell you quite how much or why, or many things more.
    It would be some comfort to know that you knew, i loved you without shame even though you have no thought for me at all.
    That you can call and i will come, even for a while, just to help a moment then be sent away again. Just so you could know, i am for all time, unconditionally in love with you. All that i am is yours, you are the queen of my heart.
    And all that i can do, all that i have i would do, and would give, with nothing needed in return. Because it is you.

    But you do not come here, and if you did, you would not know who i was, and of course i cannot tell you by any other means or direct naming, for then i hurt those others who i would not do.

    But at least i have said it, it is cathartic to release this grief, and pain.
    And if god should permit some chance that you found this site, found this letter and knew it to be me. Then it is summed up by this-

    Anytime, for all time, ask and i will.
    You are in all ways, perfect, for anything that makes you sad and causes you doubt, just remember that. You are perfect, anything you want you can do. You deserve to be loved like this for you are so amazing. I wish you be blessed and that all your days will be filled with joy.

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    9 Responses to How do i live ?

    1. hey
      June 8, 2015 at 2:24 pm

      It gets easier with time, bro.




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    2. Author
      June 9, 2015 at 4:12 am

      I really hope so, its been over a year and still i think of her every day. But i try hard to throw myself into anything but thoughts of her. But maybe in time like you say, i can forget or at least it won’t be so painful to think of her.




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    3. Forever Bond
      June 11, 2015 at 4:24 am

      Hi! That’s is really sweet words you have shared with us here. Thank you. I hope you felling better today out of confusion I mean becouse you are really passionete soul rigth!? I believe that your family and friends really love and care about you. Time or commitments is nothing to do with love. Get over of something you really want and need unconditionally is no that easy to say or do as we know. My Dear is no possible not to hurt people, they have a sortanty expectation that lead us to choose sides or paths. But I’m sure this amazing perfect woman had loved you and been loved by you. Fear touched you both for sure, distance wasn’t good move for a brand new soul mates at that time, In my opinion. The blame is not matter and the pain is part of growth. A extraordinary bond like this will linger forever holding by the fear of failure. Take the chances becouse that already been give to you. ” I’m the master of my own fate”… Good luck! Wish you the best.




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    4. Author
      June 11, 2015 at 4:35 pm

      @foreverbond

      Thanks, that is kind, and i feel you are right in that this i will feel always.
      Every day i make a prayer that i can become a better person, a person she may love.
      And then i think, but if some god, or guardian angel or whatever, were to grant me, why not others?
      And i realise the emptiness of hope, no hope, because there is nothing to aid me. And to wish they loved me is selfish, i should just wish she is happy, and i do, but i wish for me too.
      I should spend more time thinking of and hoping for, good for her rather than just what would make me so happy.
      Thank you for the thoughts.




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    5. Chris
      June 20, 2015 at 7:53 am

      I understand you don’t want to hurt your current gf but damn dude don’t you think you’re secretly hurting her by keeping her from a true soul connection like the one that you obviously had with your ex? When you love someone unconditionally as you say, and this person is perfect for you as you say, and your feelings for this person last forever as you say, then this person is your soulmate and you are not only cheating yourself by not being with her, but you are cheating her too. So you see, you are actually hurting 3 people here by disobeying the law of fate and failing to honor the commitment of the soul. You must find it in your heart to stay true to yourself and return to your destiny. Yes you may cause pain to your current gf, but not as much pain as this, because you must remember that your current gf has her own soul connection waiting for her out there, and you’re keeping her from that as well. If you think that all hope with your ex is lost, then think again my man. She is needing you as much as you’re needing her right now. I hope all of this makes sense to you, for the sake of 3 lost souls.




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    6. aim for it
      June 23, 2015 at 5:12 am

      Hi! Hope you are well!
      like to share this with you…
      In my opinion I can feel that you already come from a long long way right?. And everyone probably already can sense all this emotions that you are going thru right? I mean the ones close to you.
      God is already granted that for you and to others… choices is the one take from us.
      Realising the love you need, will be the hope if you aim for it.




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    7. Author
      June 24, 2015 at 4:32 pm

      @Chris

      I understand, except, she was never my ex-Just a good friend, up till i said “i love you” which only got said because she was talking of moving, talking of men she was interested in, i was terrified of losing her from my life, of never telling her. A mistake.
      In what you say of my partner, as i know the one i love is the one, the perfection in all she is, so my partner sees me so. I am her soulmate. So since i could not be with the one i love, i did not see reason to hurt someone needlessly. so i give her happiness.
      I would have put her in my shoes were my dreams to have come true, but i am not perfect, indeed it would hurt me to hurt anyone.
      But i have not had to confront that, instead i have only to deal with a broken heart an feel less than a man for being close to tears every damn day, wishing i could love the one i am with like this, see them as absolute perfection, and then, feeling like i wish i could be with who i love. Alternate between selfish and not selfish, hurt, and destroyed.
      If magic were real i’d wish who i am with to find someone and love them, and go with my blessing to happiness, and i, to find a path back to my friend, but more, to be able to share everything with her, to live and die for her.
      But magic is not real so i shall silently bear this pain, wish the one i love, everything she ever wants, and for who i am with, give her the happiness she has, in perpetuity, for where else would i go and cause her hurt for nothing?
      At least this way, it is only me who lives a desolate barren life.




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      • Chris
        June 25, 2015 at 12:09 pm

        You say it was a mistake to tell her that you love her… Why? I can assume that the outcome of that wasn’t what you wanted. Do you believe that she is your soulmate, but that you are not hers?

        You said that you are your current girlfriends soulmate, but that she isn’t yours… So you must believe that a soulmate connection can be one-sided?…

        You may think that you are keeping your current gf from pain by allowing her to live a lie, but heed my warning sir, you are wrong about that. To benefit yourself, you stay with her, knowing you only think of her as second best. You think you are HER soulmate though, which immediately tells me that you also perceive her as less than you. You are treading dangerous ground my friend, and I will tell you why…

        Because magic, the thing you don’t believe in, is real. It is in our DNA, our minds, our intuition.. Our souls. It is how and why we come to meet those that we fall in love with. Billions of people in the world, and here we are sharing stories and making histories and… Missing only one person, out of billions. We find them, and we know. We just know…

        But finding the one, or keeping the one, isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s one hell of a challenge. Maybe this is because magic works better for the virtuous? Do you think that it’s possible that something or someone is so disappointed with you for derailing from your path? I do. I think life is trying to tell you to stop forcing this poor girl to live a lie, and go do whatever it takes to be with the one that was meant for you. STOP making excuses. Don’t lay down and die, be a man and face your fears, face your faults, and go after what you want. If you cannot find it in yourself to do this, then you deserve no sympathy. Please just think about what I have said here…




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    8. Chris
      June 25, 2015 at 12:11 pm

      You say it was a mistake to tell her that you love her… Why? I can assume that the outcome of that wasn’t what you wanted. Do you believe that she is your soulmate, but that you are not hers?

      You said that you are your current girlfriends soulmate, but that she isn’t yours… So you must believe that a soulmate connection can be one-sided?…

      You may think that you are keeping your current gf from pain by allowing her to live a lie, but heed my warning sir, you are wrong about that. To benefit yourself, you stay with her, knowing you only think of her as second best. You think you are HER soulmate though, which immediately tells me that you also perceive her as less than you. You are treading dangerous ground my friend, and I will tell you why…

      Because magic, the thing you don’t believe in, is real. It is in our DNA, our minds, our intuition.. Our souls. It is how and why we come to meet those that we fall in love with. Billions of people in the world, and here we are sharing stories and making histories and… Missing only one person, out of billions. We find them, and we know. We just know…

      But finding the one, or keeping the one, isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s one hell of a challenge. Maybe this is because magic works better for the virtuous? Do you think that it’s possible that something or someone is so disappointed with you for derailing from your path? I do. I think life is trying to tell you to stop forcing this poor girl to live a lie, and go do whatever it takes to be with the one that was meant for you. STOP making excuses. Don’t lay down and die, be a man and face your fears, face your faults, and go after what you want. If you cannot find it in yourself to do this, then you deserve no sympathy. Please just think about what I have said here…




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