How do i live without you?
It is easy to say, get over her, or, well you were never with her anyway so it wasn’t love, move on with your life you’re obsessing.
That is so very easy to say, and worse by the fact i am with someone and love another, i have heard those arguments of why stay with who you’re with.
Simply because they love me and i know the pain it would cause, i would only have left had the one i love, loved me too, and even then not easily, i am not the sort of man who likes to hurt people.
I would prefer i never knew you.
But i do or rather, did. And i fell in love. And that love was and is, unconditional.
I don’t mean then, i would love to share your bed, i mean that when i was around you, you made everything joyful, you smiled and i felt i would burst with happiness.
You laughed and the feeling in me was so great that if i were in the midst of a thunderstorm i would notice only that sweet sound of your laugh.
Do you even know you’re perfect? I know you know you are attractive, but to me you are the most beautiful, perfect person on earth. I often think surely that cannot be, surely there are others out there better at this or that, better looking, taller,shorter.
But it doesn’t seem so to me, i look at you and i see someone who, just as they are, is everything and amazingly and utterly perfect in every aspect.
I tried so hard to not say those words, if i never spoke them then maybe i could forget, get over you. Until you spoke of others, spoke of wanting things that would remove you from my life. I simply grew afraid, afraid that a fledgling friendship was not the sort of glue to keep you in my life against all other things and that once they came about, new relationships, travel, i would see less and less then nothing at all of you.
And by then what use to say “i love you”?
I thought wrongly because of course if i had never told you, then you would still be in my life, you would be there growing closer and increasing the bond that maybe just one day, would have had a chance to be what i wanted, and if not, then at the least i would still know you.
But because of that fear of loss, because of course i was stupid, i told you i loved you. And of course the friendship even by then, was not so strong as to stand this revelation.
Since then i tried to move on, as i say, i am with someone, but it has not made me forget, it has not healed a heart torn into shreds.
I have cried i hurt every day. And i swear the truth is, every single day, i have thought of you, every day.
If there was a magic to make you love me, i would cast its spell, selfish of me i know, and as often as i think that, i also pray that you are happy.
I would die for you, and more, i have prayed that if in your life you sin, that in death, i may take that upon my soul, that you not suffer, for to me i love so much that i would even refused your love, do anything to help you.
I ache and feel near tears when i have heard of you, times are tough and i want to come to you and comfort you.
Even have i been told of negative aspects of you and my instinct is to want to leap to your defence even though you are in the wrong, because in that i love you this much, i would always be for you, no matter what.
But no magic, no prayer can bring you to love me, and so choked with sorrow, i pass through another day. Wake up, you’re not there and i wish you were.
Throughout the day i think of you, if the sun is shining it is a little duller than others perceive it to be, because for me, it can never shine so bright as when i knew you and were in your life.
But when it is cloudy and dull, it is, if memories of time spent near you, are brought to mind, as if the day is the best of summer.
I would do anything just to pull the hands of time backwards, doomed to a friendship alone, it would be enough. And to have you love me? Ask a sacrifice or a labour, i will.
Even now, of my body i would give if there was need, not sexually, i mean if you needed medically, blood etc.
Even now, i would turn down a millionaires wealth, to have a day being loved by you.
Oh that love has a power then at least in that you are loved utterly and completely then you’d have the best of luck, the happiest of lives and protection from danger that my love would will for you.
I miss you so much, i do not know how to handle it, i want free of this burden, i want to stop loving a dream, i want to see you as flawed and imperfect.
But i can’t, no more than i can cause you to feel this way for me.
I want then in absence of that, to tell you, tell you this, i know i told you i love you, but i did not tell you quite how much or why, or many things more.
It would be some comfort to know that you knew, i loved you without shame even though you have no thought for me at all.
That you can call and i will come, even for a while, just to help a moment then be sent away again. Just so you could know, i am for all time, unconditionally in love with you. All that i am is yours, you are the queen of my heart.
And all that i can do, all that i have i would do, and would give, with nothing needed in return. Because it is you.
But you do not come here, and if you did, you would not know who i was, and of course i cannot tell you by any other means or direct naming, for then i hurt those others who i would not do.
But at least i have said it, it is cathartic to release this grief, and pain.
And if god should permit some chance that you found this site, found this letter and knew it to be me. Then it is summed up by this-
Anytime, for all time, ask and i will.
You are in all ways, perfect, for anything that makes you sad and causes you doubt, just remember that. You are perfect, anything you want you can do. You deserve to be loved like this for you are so amazing. I wish you be blessed and that all your days will be filled with joy.