• A letter for no eyes.

    by  • June 8, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 0 Comments

    Today I am once again writing a letter that I will never send you. In this letter, i preach the words that come from the heart, not my mouth. I will most likely regret not telling you everything in the end…but i regret thinking it in the first place. Hear me out though…I am a complete and total bitch. you might think this, because- well because i broke your heart into a million pieces. i heard you wanted to exchange the favor to me, LITERALLY…but you never did. I do thank you that in advance, because damn. Anyways…as i was saying. I want to apologize for pulling something that nobody should have ever done i let fear grab a hold of my heart, and it ended up destroying us. Here’s how it first started. When we were in just second grade, we would always race upstairs to the class room for reading class, and then race downstairs for recess. For some odd reason, i’ll never forget the one day, i was in the corner of the playground crying, because of a bully beating me up, kicking me and telling me that i was dumb. You told me, that if you could you would find that bully, and you would kick him back just as hard. I think that was the day i realized that you were my hero. you stood up for me while everyone just sat there and laughed. a few years later, we meet at a band concert. we sat together talking to each other on our DS, in pixel chat. we had a lot of laughs, remember back to our old days…that were two years ago. haha anyways, you went and retrieved a little plastic snake for me. i sit here observing it on my desk even to this very day. and then as we left that night, i told you my feelings for you, and i had left for ever- or so i thought. i wanted to get away with it, but i found you on facebook when we grew up into our ninth grade year. i remember that night so well, that it still tears me up. I was…going though a hard time. a Really hard time. abuse, bullying, cutting, and anorexia nervosa. Basically i was a walking corpse. i had finally snagged a bottle of pills, and i planned to capture them all inside me, and dying peacefully. I had my ipod on the counter of my bathroom. i sat in my bathtub holding the pills in hand, ready to make the move…but i heard the silent little ‘bloop’ that facebook makes when you get a message. i looked over and ignored it. but i heard it again. i got up. just to…ya know….just to see it. I read it and i saw that you messaged me “hi sydney 🙂 remember me?” i felt tears burn in the back of my eyes…i DID remember. and i knew that i still had feelings. i messaged you just saying hello back, and i played it cool. i was scared to tell you anything. i flushed the pills and we got on.
    we added each other and got talking pretty quick, we instantly made a connection with the same music taste and the same horrible torment from other students at our schools. (separate schools). i had reminded you what i said at that concert one night, and you explained to me you regretted losing me, because you liked me back too. we planned it, we were going to date. we were both pretty awkward, because we were both not used to dating… but don’t you Remember our first night together? at the football game? Yeah it was a cheap date, but hey, we hadn’t seen each other in nearly seven years. and i had a wonderful time with you. i just had begun my feelings for you. they grew…everyday. i would always get so excited to talk to you when i got home from school or anything else. You were special. I remember you explaining to me that i was your first kiss, and your first girlfriend. You made me feel so loved…but eventually…i felt it. I’m so sorry. For that day. The day i broke up with you. i still, even today two years later regret it. i regret it so much that i want to return to your house and just walk in and attack you with Tears and beg for forgiveness. but i know that wont happen. i have played out what i would say to you multiple times. Tell you that you made me feel something that nobody else had ever made me feel. It made me scared and confused. you see Alex…i might have been your first girlfriend or your first kiss…and you weren’t afraid to tell me that. but i was afraid to tell you that you were my first love. i had loved you…since the second grade when we first met. and so help me god… I NEVER STOPPED. and i don’t think i ever will. because to this day i still love you. i lied to you…i didn’t really cheat. i lied so that it would be easy to break up with you. i tried a million relationships after you to try and feel the same emotion but it never came. because i realized you were my soulmate, my other half and my one and only. You are the light that guides me in the dark, you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins. i’m sorry i was so in love with you that i got scared. I had loved you since the first day we met. i had always loved you. I NEVER STOPPED…and i don’t think i ever will. so please…forgive me for what i have done. forgive me for ever falling in love with you.

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