I wish I could have told you the truth. I know I’m not ready for a relationship, but I felt something with you that I have never felt with anyone else. I felt like I have just come home every time I talk to you. You are still trying to get over her. The truth is that I care about you. I wanted to start out as friends and then maybe in the future we could become more than that. I’ve prayed about it but I still feel like how could this be the end of talking with you. It’s clear in your last letter that you just want to remain friends, but it’s also clear that you probably won’t write again. The scariest part is that I can see myself being happy with you. I saw the sunset and the rolling hills the other day while I was riding in the car with some friends. I knew you would have enjoyed seeing it. It just made me miss you more. You said you didn’t want any broken hearts, but I think somehow I gave my heart to you. It’s painful moving on with my life knowing that you probably won’t write back. I don’t think I will ever find someone like you. You are one year older than me and in all that time before I knew you I have never met a man like you. But you will never know how I feel. I wrote in my email that I will know when God brings me someone, but I realize now that he brought me you. Why did I even have to meet you? I was doing just fine on my own and not interested in any guys and then you show up out of the blue. Then we hung out in groups and talked some. Then I pushed things further and got your email and started righting to you. I think what I’ve learned in all of this that you can’t push someone to like or even love you. Timing is everything and I guess we just met at the wrong time. I don’t know what God is doing dangling you before me saying this is what you could possibly have in the future and then suddenly rips you away from me. I don’t understand it.
I know that you are not ready. My biggest fear is that you will find someone else while you are there at seminary studying to be a military chaplain. I want to be your future. I wish I could have said that in my long email to you. I couldn’t though cause you already expressed that you just wanted to be friends. Then the last email you wrote didn’t end with any questions for me or anything. So now I’m sure you will never email me back at all. This is the end of us I guess not that there was an us to begin with. I understand you have to heal and I talked with one of my close friends today and she said sometimes you just have to accept what the guy”s answer is going to be and move on with your life.
I don’t want to move on with my life. I want you to be in it. If only you were on here so you would see, but then I might die of embarrassment and you would probably sharply deny me. The chances of you being on here are non existent.
Instead of emailing I was told to let you make the next move and write if you want to or never write again. I hate not being the one in control of things like this. I hate waiting. I hate being patient, but I know that I need to be. I need to give you time to heal and I need to figure out what to do with my life.
I care about you and miss you already. Please write. I can’t ask you to write. I can only wait and that’s the hardest part of all is the wait, because what if it never comes? Then what?