I want you back in my life. I know what I need to do, but I need your help.
I pick up the phone…I dial the numbers…but before i hit call it all starts flooding back, all the negative stuff. Things I was told by you and others, things i’ve seen through snooping (guess i’m snoopy girl now), just a lot of bad memories and fear. You can call it cowardice if you want, but you know, my head is real fucked up from everything that’s happened over the last few years. I see things, including letters here, and believe they’re for me. I find meaning in things you do. I can rationalize anything. I know this about myself and it scares me. Because I believe so strongly in the way I feel about you that I know I subconsciously blind myself to other possibilities that have nothing to do with me. Its the classic battle of the brain vs the heart. Mine are at war. My brain presents all the information its received over the years, puts it all together and analyzes the significance. My heart looks at what I’ve felt, what you’ve made me feel, and disregards everything else. I want to see with my heart, but I’ve been trained to approach things logically with my mind.
Ok maybe I’m rambling now, maybe it sounds like I’m just making excuses. This all may be one big excuse, but it doesn’t mean its not legitimate. Help me with this please because I’m really struggling. What you want, may not seem like a lot to you, but it is to me. Not because I don’t care about you or want to show you how much, but because I’m so afraid this is all just some elaborate fantasy I’ve concocted to avoid facing the truth. I’ve worked so hard to keep the memory of you alive in my heart. I want this, us, to be real so bad, but I don’t know if anything was ever real because I don’t trust myself. Give me some validation please! Something unmistakable, something I can know for a fact isn’t just my over-active imagination at work. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, whatever you want. I just feel like I’ve towed the line between suitor and stalker for so long that the line is completely blurred. I need your help. If you can help me out, you will get everything you want the way you want it. I promise you that. I just need a confidence boost, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Writing this now, I can imagine you being disappointed in me again, I feel like I’m always failing you. If you really do still care about me, please show me so I can do what I need to do.
Show me what I’m fighting for is real, and I won’t stop til you’re mine or I’m dead.