• I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO FEEL!

    by  • June 4, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 1 Comment

    Hello, I was looking for a website to submit a letter to ask for advice (maybe this isn’t the right place but maybe it is) and I couldn’t find one where I could add my own input, so here I am.

    My name is Charlotte, I’m 14 and I’ve just come out of a year and three month relationship with a serious boyfriend (Please don’t judge my feeling by my age or the length of time I was in a relationship as each relationship is unique to the individuals within it). Our relationship ended just over three weeks ago and I’m very stuck with my feelings and where I can progress next. I’ve known my ex boyfriend (let’s call him Pete) for nearly four years, and the day I met him I developed a crush on him. I always thought he was attractive and charming and as he was a couple months (and the school year above me) I always thought he was impressive. I’d often be quite shy around him leading up to our relationship but my feelings never really faded in around three years. During that time I ‘dated’ another boy for four months, but the whole time I was comparing him to ‘Pete’ and I was imagining ‘Pete’ in his place. Eventually at the end of the summer, I told my then boyfriend I didn’t love him anymore and we broke up. He was distraught, and I was only momentarily upset as I’d known him my entire life and it hurt me to think I’d upset him. I honestly didn’t love him and as soon as we broke up I moved all my thoughts onto ‘Pete’. It took us about three to four months before he gained the courage to ask for my number, and we messaged regularly (every couple of days) and grew closer and closer during this time. The second time we met outside of scouting we went to the cinema and about halfway through the film our hands met and it was the best feeling in the world. We spent the rest of the film holding each other and that night we messaged each other and began our relationship. In the first couple of weeks/months we got to know each other quite well and spent hours talking about everything and nothing in particular, only holding hands in the cinema and only hugging. About three months in we kissed for the first time and over time we grew closer, speaking to each other three times a day and often for hours and hours in the evening.

    We did so much together, we saw each other often once or twice a week and I grew to feel like a real part of his family. We made plans to marry and have children when we were older and when I came out to him as bi-sexual he told me he loved me even more and couldn’t wait until the day he married me. I’d always go to him when I was upset, and whenever either of us was suffering from a panic attack, the other would always be there to comfort us. However, I always felt quite anxious around him (nervous) and I hated being around him and others as he was always really loud and sarcastic and I didn’t like that side.

    It was perfect until around the beginning of April when we went away with Scouting together. The actual week was perfect, but when we returned home it didn’t feel the same anymore. He always seemed to be so tired and unfazed by everything, so busy and like he had no time for me anymore. He would miss weeks of scouts at a time with only a ‘sorry’ and when his exams came up I felt like we never spoke. About two weeks before we broke up I went to his house, we watched movies and ate diner and it felt good, I felt complete. That weekend he had a house party with all of his friends for his birthday (I wasn’t invited) and when I next saw him he was boasting about it to me even though I couldn’t care less about it. I went out for a meal with him and his family on the actual day of his birthday and that was the last good day of our relationship. I felt loved and included and I even managed to choose the perfect present, I thought things were slowly getting better. The next day he had work experience and he couldn’t see me at the weekend due to seeing family or make scouts that week as he was busy. I missed him but I started complaining about him to my friends and I was realizing how annoying he really was. The next day we spoke for about three hours about how he was unsure about his feelings for me and he wanted to take it slowly. I hadn’t seen him in week so I didn’t want to slow anything down and it made me really scared. For the next week we didn’t speak (he went camping over the weekend too) and whenever we did we avoided the subject of it. I knew then the relationship was over, but neither of us wanted to admit it. He said he wanted to wait until we were in person so we could see how it was but he broke up with me two hours before I was due to meet him at scouts.

    When we broke up he was really nice about it, just explaining he didn’t love me but he still wanted me in his life as one of his best friends. At the time, I was a little upset but it had been an unhealthy relationship (we had been too dependent on each other) and I was happy that I wouldn’t have to wonder about us as I had been for the previous week. I was so excited to see him again as I hadn’t seen him in about three weeks and we hadn’t spoken properly in a week. I didn’t really realize anything had changed and i was just so happy to be with him again. When we met up, we spoke and when he told me to my face he didn’t love me it broke me down. I tried not to show I was upset and when he asked if we could stay friends I choked out a yes as I desperately didn’t want to lose him. However for the rest of the evening I was distraught and wouldn’t speak to him, and when he messaged me later in the evening I ignored it. I got home, unfriended him, deleted his snapchat and unfollowed his instagram, deleted all of the pictures and messages and put everything he gave me into a box and gave it to my dad to give to me when I felt better. I cried myself to sleep, waking up about 12 times in the night and waking at 5:30 in the morning. The next day was immensely painful, I had a counselling session at school and cried my heart out. After school I went to a friends house and we spoke about relationships and how they go wrong, and whilst I was there I received a message from him telling me he didn’t want to stay friends as it hurt him too much and he didn’t understand me. That hurt me too, but I knew it needed to happen and I knew we couldn’t stay friends right away. Over the next couple of days I hardly ate and felt horrible. Over the weekend I kept busy, saw lots of friends and went to a sleepover. I had a great time and I tried to forget him as much as I could. I was due to see him on Monday for scouts but he wasn’t there due to feeling ill, and I was thankful I wouldn’t have to see him. I had a great time without him and did not feel anxious once.

    Last, last weekend (22-25th of May) I had to go camping with him. There were only four of us kids on the camp and I felt very enclosed. On the Friday night I spoke to him briefly letting him know we were okay, but it was extremely awkward on Saturday and I hated feeling so useless and drawn to him. On Saturday afternoon we spoke it out for about 20 mins, he was confused at my actions and I was confused to as his feelings. We managed to reach level ground (it had been a really stressful month for him and he had had offers from other girls and he was thinking of them more than myself) but it still stung really badly for me. I still felt something for him, it wasn’t love but it was something of longing. When we broke up he said, “If it was meant to be, we’ll find each other again and in a couple years or so I won’t deny my feelings”, and although I knew neither of us were ready for a relationship, I still wanted him. The next evening (Sunday) it rained so we watched lots of movies on the TV, we sat in armchairs next to each other and we slowly got closer as the evening went on. I began to touch his arm, tracing shapes the way I used to, and he didn’t pull away so I presumed it was okay. At about 11:30 he leaned my shoulder and closed his eyes so I did the same and we stayed like this for a little while until we both announced we were heading to bed. I walked him back and when we were saying good night we began to hug. It was the best hug I’ve ever had, he pulled me up onto my tiptoes and I buried my head into his shoulder and chest, breathing onto his neck. He pressed his lips to my forehead and I could feel he was enjoying it too. He said “I’ve missed this, I’ve missed closeness, intimacy and trust with you” and I had missed it more than anything. Before I knew it we were kissing and it felt good, not as good as it had, the kissing was rough and showed no love, only lust but it felt right with him. After we agreed it couldn’t happen again as although we still had feelings for each other (he still found me physically attractive and thought I was a great person), it wasn’t love and the thought of a relationship scared us as ours has been too intense. I didn’t sleep well that night and was extremely nervous in the morning. He told me he didn’t regret it, but it would make it harder for us and urged me to go do something else. It made me quite upset and I realized nothing had changed between us. I cried and when he tried to help I pushed him away. Before he left we hugged briefly and agreed to try to stay in contact.

    I messaged him that evening and I got a reply, then I wished him good morning (no reply), asked him how his day was (took ages to reply) and wished him good morning the next morning too. After getting no reply from the last message, I decided not to bother, and that he may contact me if he wanted. I didn’t want to put in all the effort and feel useless again. I was very busy that week, but not once did I stop thinking of him, I even met up with another guy but that just didn’t give me same emotions. I was meant to see him at scouts on monday but he was away on a school trip (and still is right now) and although I was glad as I didn’t have to see him, I was disappointed as I wanted to see him and get things right again.

    Since Monday I haven’t been able to get him off my mind. I know I ultimately want another relationship with him, different to before. I loved the feeling and happiness he gave me, and although I know it was the right decision that our particular relationship ended, I still want him so badly. I know I’m not quite ready for a relationship, and I really want to work on our friendship as I feel okay around him when we are alone, but I want to get to a point where we have a great friendship and wish each other good morning, good night and ask how our days were. I know time is going to be a huge factor and what we need is trust in our friendship, but I just feel like he’s so uninterested by me (not romantically, just in me as a person) and I feel like everytime I try and speak to him I’m bothering him. I miss speaking to him and hugging him, holding his hand and feeling like I can trust him with anything and everything. I can tell he still has some sort of feelings for me (otherwise he wouldn’t have kissed me, or hold my hand everything we speak or hug me etc) but I know the thought of a relationship scares both of us at the moment. I know he doesn’t love me (and I have to respect that) and I don’t love him in the way I did. I don’t crave a relationship (otherwise I would just look for someone else) I just crave him. The way we spoke so freely about our opinions, the way he held me and made me feel safe, the way we laughed together and the lazy smile after we kissed. All his little pet habits are what I miss more than anything.

    I don’t know where to go from here, can you be over a relationship but still love a person (in a romantic way)? I’ve seen articles where it advises you it was the best thing to happen, but I believe we all deserve happiness and I still want him. Is it possible for us to be friends, when we still care immensely about each other? Should I work on getting over him and keep my distance or should I accept the fact I still have feelings for him and try to stay close to him? I miss him so much, but I fear he doesn’t miss me or even want to be around me anymore. He said to me we were soulmates and I know this isn’t the end for us, but I also know it’s too soon to be in a relationship so I’m really stumped? I’m confused as to what he feels for me, and what I feel for him and I just want to work on getting the amazing friendship we had back because I want him back in my life again.

    ANY COMMENTS AND ADVICE WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL, BUT PLEASE BE POLITE AND RESPECTFUL x

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    One Response to I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO FEEL!

    1. C
      June 14, 2015 at 9:17 pm

      As hard as it may be and as much as you don’t want to, the best thing for you to do right now is to distance yourself from him. You had a life before him so why not try and reclaim part of that life? If he isn’t putting effort into hanging out with you or talking to you then maybe it is time to say goodbye. A relationship of any kind takes two people, and yours seems very one sided. Take the time and energy you are spending on him and put it towards your friends and family. You are young, enjoy life, don’t let some of the best years of your life slip you by because someone couldn’t make their mind up about you. You deserve so much more, and you will find it.




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