• To You

    by  • June 2, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 0 Comments

    It comes in waves and tonight I am drowning. Never did I relate my life to this quote, that was until I realized that I may have depression. This is to all the people out there that suffer from this disorder and continue to struggle everyday. You are beautiful, you are strong, please do not let go of the fight. Strive. At the end of these dark tunnels we go through from time to time, is light. There always is light.
    To Jay, you don’t have my back. And i have always known that, you just act like a best friend, give yourself the label and pretend you don’t have to work for it. Well guess what, you cannot just expect me to hand over my trust. You have to work for it, make a difference in my life before you go around and act like its easy. You laugh at me for having anxiety, but It is something i can’t help. I have it because my mother had it, it passes down. I did not ask to be different, but here I am. Either except it or move on. Help me, don’t laugh at me.
    To mom, I know you mean well and you really do try hard to make sure all my needs or met. It just feels like sometimes you don’t understand me in the way you think you do. There are so many things I hold back from telling you, for the fear of being judged. I fear that too often, being judged. I told you today that I was sad, that I think I’m depressed and lonely. That I believe that I am bipolar, and you laughed. I am trying so hard to make you happy, I know how hard it must be for you. You are depressed, and your marriage seems to be failing. The only thing keeping you together is me. Im scared to leave home because you will do things that effect your marriage. I want you to know i love you mom, and to keep fighting.
    To Denny, I know its hard seeing me like this all the time. I really truly wish you wouldn’t have to love me like this, it must be so hard. I am crashing so hard tonight and all you do is love me more. You have no boundaries in loving me, you are the glue keeping me together. Some nights I think I wouldn’t be here anymore if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have the strength to get through this. You are so strong and brave, don’t let anyone tell you different. I wanted to tell you the thoughts that go through my head, but I’m scared in what you’ll say. I think about self harm all the time, I never do it. But it is constant. I cry in the bathroom, I cry in my room late at night in the dark, when all i want is to cry in your arms. Please don’t give up on me, I know Im a total mess sometimes, but I wouldn’t even be as happy as I am today if it weren’t for you. I love you endlessly.
    To Keedan, thank you for sharing my passion in books. Sometimes I look over at you and I see myself. You look so sad and lonely, and I know you so desperately need someone. I Hope you know I’m hoping for you, I always am. I know how you get lost in reading and you don’t ever want to find yourself again. I feel the same way, I like to get lost.

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