I’m the worst. After 5 years without a word spoken between us, I still feel the pain of your loss in my chest. I fucked up and karma has found me, broken my being and buried me alive only for me to suffocate alone forever. My chest burns from the lack of oxygen. I swear when I said I loved you I meant it. It just wasn’t the same kind of love you shared for me. I should have been honest with you when this realization came to me one morning. I should have broken it off when there was still a chance for us to be…something. Anything. You trusted me with your life, only to be deceived by me. You asked me if there was someone else and I lied. I lied because I am a fucking coward. I hide behind the walls like a filthy rat. You still don’t know the truth and even if there was a chance for us to speak again, I’d still be that rat. Hiding. Always. You were my best friend. You were perfect. You ARE perfect. I see that now…now that karma came knocking on my door. I broke up with you the next day after I merely kissed him. The cheating wasn’t even the worst part. It was ME. Being a selfish, piece of trash and pushing you away. When you came over and I balled my eyes out while I ended things with no explanations other than it just isn’t working. When I shut the door on your face after asking you to leave. The look you gave me. I still have nightmares of that day. You looked so broken. You loved me with all of you and I shoved it back in your face like it was nothing. Like you were nothing. then I avoided you and started something that broke me like I broke you. Only my karma didn’t end after him. After he shared all our intimate moments with his friends or when his gilfriend found out. Who knew I’d be the other woman? Doesn’t surprise me. I deserved to be called a whore and home wrecker. Then when karma came knocking on my door again with a handsome package in hand. Only…looks can be deceiving. Handsome can hurt. Handsome can kick and punch and call you names and make you bleed and wish you would kick the chair from under your feet already. Handsome can ask for forgiveness and do it all over again next week. Can you believe I actually feel in love with the devil himself? This doesn’t surprise me either though. I’ll be stuck in this life forever. My child will be stuck in this life forever. My devil…my husband has changed since our sons birth, but I can’t forget. I will NEVER forget. I sleep next to him with a heart full of hatred, but I’m so stupid because I’m still here and I still love him. Not the way I love you. I love you…like a brother, which sounds strange, but I do. You were my best friend and sometimes when I was lying on the ground in agony, you were the first thought that came to mind. I prayed for you to appear so you could save me…but you never came. I don’t blame you. I deserve this life. I just want you to see how badly my decisions have turned out. I am so happy to see you doing well. I’m so happy to see her kissing and laughing in pictures with you. I’m so happy because you deserve happiness. You deserve her. I’m not even jealous or envious. I just miss you so much I get this sharp pain in my stomach that feels like I’m being cut open with a dull knife. I love you.. I will always love you, forever. I will always love you because you’re the only man I’ve ever known with such a beautiful soul and eyes that never lie. You’ll be my best friend…forever. Even if you don’t know care that I exist anymore. I will always love you. I promise. Please…please forgive me, but don’t feel sorry for me.