• Three Things

    by  • March 26, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Dear C:

    Firstly, I want you to know that I forgive you. I don’t hate you and I can’t summon enough anger to even stay mad at you. I understand why you felt you had to break up with me. If our situations were reversed, I may well have done the same. Honestly, it was probably going to happen sooner or later. Eventually, one or both of us would have been unwilling or unable to further compromise our careers for our personal lives. We are both too ambitious to be satisfied with anything less than greatness and I believe we would only hold each other back.

    Secondly, I want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the promises we made each other that we had no hope in hell of keeping. I’m sorry that I made you feel obligated to do so, even when it was impossible. I’m sorry for the ugly and desperate things I said to you immediately afterwards. I wanted you to hurt in the way that I was hurting, which in itself is despicable. Most of all, I’m sorry for doubting what we had. It was real, even if it was doomed to fail.

    Lastly, I want you to know that I have applied to do a Master’s at MUN and plan on attending when/if I’m accepted. I had originally planned to do it at U of A or U of C but both the programs I was interested in there were suspended. I do not intend to stay in St. John’s beyond the 18 months allotted for the program. I am telling you this only to prevent a potentially awkward situation in the future. These kinds of things, as you know, are what keep me up at night. I fear most what I cannot predict, which more often than not means I fear my own reactions. I only want to avoid an awkward scene. I don’t want you to feel as if I’m expecting anything from you. I don’t even want you to think that I’m putting myself in your path because I’m not. I don’t even expect a response because what is there even left to say?

    I wish you good things because you deserve them. Thank you for the privilege of knowing and loving you, if only for a short while. Thank you for the gift of knowing and loving me. I miss your friendship more than I miss the romantic aspect of our relationship but I know this will get better in time. Three months later and I’ve already stopped wanting to tell you immediately when something interesting happens to me. Mostly I tell the dog or my family. I’ll have another person to tell, when Melissa is back from Turkey.


    Love, K

    Related Post

    Leave a Reply