• I wanted it to be you

    by  • March 26, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 2 Comments

    I wanted it to be you
    I hate that you don’t look at me like you used to.
    It hurts.
    I hate that I don’t know what you are thinking, yet at the same time I know that it’s definitely not about me.
    I would have waited for you to be ready.
    I would have waited.
    I never like people.
    I wasn’t sure if I liked you but you treated me with respect and care and passion that I wasn’t sure I would ever find and had lost hope that I deserved and it hurt so much when you weren’t there.
    I did like you.
    I liked you a lot, far more than I thought I did, far more than I thought possible.
    I thought it was my turn.
    I wanted it to be my turn.
    Everything you say makes sense, your reasons, your points and they matter, they count and I said I wouldn’t try to make you change your mind.
    I didn’t expect it to be so hard; to see you and know that we are just friends, people who see each other in passing and know more about each other than we should for the relationship we now have.
    I know its not about me, you said it wasn’t and most of me believes you but a small part of me thinks that I wasn’t enough, if I was you would have wanted to try.
    We were nothing yet we were something.
    I know I was fine before you and I will be fine after you but right now I am not ok and I am not ok with not being ok because you are ok.
    You are you.
    Your mind is clear and set and focused and over it.
    Over me.
    At first I thought that you not being there had made me unhappy but really it was you being there that had stopped me from being unhappy.
    I know you cared and it’s hard to not have that now.
    But I would rather this than to never have had you at all.
    I wanted it to be you but now I just have to focus on being me.

    2 Responses to I wanted it to be you

    1. anna
      March 27, 2015 at 12:25 am

      I too feel as you do, and my situation is the same. I think the hardest thing is getting past the fact that they are past you. I agree with you in that the only way to truly do that is to get into yourself. When you must be around someone you know so intimately but force yourself to act as though you are fine, just casual friends, and it doesn’t hurt, there was nothing there, just
      Friends. …. probably one of the strongest tests of a person’s will. I swear I don’t love him…

    2. @anna
      March 27, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      This site is crazy, I was reading this letters and it made me think of a Anna that I know, and think of in this way, but her actions made it clear I was never important enough to be part of anything, so I know you are not her, just saying it was crazy to have a letter make you think of someone and a situation, then see their name attached to it. Good luck to you, the author and Myself that we can continue to push through and get over them soon…

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