• Stuck

    by  • March 25, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Frustration • 2 Comments

    Whatever exists between us, as much as I love it and I think I need it, it really is messing with my head. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I love the comfort of having you there constantly at my fingertips…however the feelings and emotions that are tied to our connection, our conversations or exchanges stresses me out more than I allow myself to admit. How we started, that is how I started with him…and I feel in love with him this way…through his words which I feel is such an amazing thing. Before a word was even spoken between him and I, I knew I loved him. I had these strong feelings for him that instantly existed…this pull. He was my first and only, we dated and got married. That is how things were supposed to go in my mind. This other part of me was something that I locked deep down inside my soul and suffocated. I wasn’t supposed to do what my heart wanted to do. I wasn’t supposed to think there were any other options. I wasn’t supposed to think of options outside of the traditional boy and girl. But there was her. From a young age I fought with the thoughts in my head that existed when I thought of her, the feelings in my heart that grew uncontrollably when I was around her. I wanted her but I was not supposed to. It killed me to live with that. Nothing came of that, as you know, but years and years of wanting and torture. I let go of it at one point thinking that my feelings were singular towards her, towards one woman…then I met you. Married, we both are. But we fell into one another. Talked for hours, days, weeks, months on end. Very little breaks. It is very reminiscent of her and I. The behaviors, the feelings. Almost too much to handle. Again I find myself in a situation where I am not supposed to feel the way I do. This time, I am spoken for. As are you. You say that there is nothing….that maybe there was, briefly, but not now. I have said I accepted this, but you know mine in a little bit more. And we met like how he and I met…so I know that I can fall in love with someone by just their words alone…and I think I find myself in the precarious position at this point that I feel something I should not and I am starting to fall a bit. I don’t want to….but I do….It is dangerous and exciting. But I always ask myself to what end…what is going to be the outcome of this, us. We talk constantly. I think about you way more than I should. I don’t want to, but I have almost gotten to the point I cannot help it. It is wrong, but so right. It is in my heart, but I have other things in my heart as well. And obligations and commitments that I have already made. You are not openly willing to acknowledge anything really, but I think it is there. I sometimes wonder what my role in your life is…sometimes I think you keep me around knowing how I feel because it makes you feel better about yourself to have someone like me in your back pocket…Sometimes that makes me sad and I hope that I am more to you, but honestly I know that we cannot be more and that we should not be more. I am so frustrated with the situation. It makes my heart ache. I think I should really let go of you, for my benefit, but I have tried and am unable to do so. There are times I wish you would leave…walk away…and I know it would hurt, however the wanting would eventually, over time, turn into a dull ache. For at this point I don’t really think I have the will power to say goodbye. I am so stuck.

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    2 Responses to Stuck

    1. Follow your heart
      March 25, 2015 at 5:36 pm

      I understand exactly how you feel…
      You want to let go but you can’t because your in love with the person very deep. More than your partner! If you let go, you might suffer rest of your life. Tough decision to make and I hope you make the right one. I believe everyone deserve to be happy & love someone crazy.
      The person probably loves you too for not to let you go & say goodbye.
      Stuck just like you! You two can make something out of this together long us you both are happy.

      what does the other person want ? What’s the other person view on all of this? Speak & decide together…

      Good luck Xx



    2. :(
      March 25, 2015 at 5:38 pm




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