This is a night when tears and sadness and loneliness return again at such tremendous force that I cannot bear alone.
I have wanted someone to tell my thoughts to. I have written an anonymous blog but it got discovered by people who shouldn’t be reading it. I have written notes, but they got read by people who don’t understand. I eventually wrote letters to God when I am actually non-religious. Previously I still wrote little notes at my workplace, but my colleagues became alert when they saw me writing. So, I forced myself to stop writing at my workplace. Everything stores up then and I have to keep an eye on my moods all the time lest that I explode without being able to hide myself from people in time.
No one cares, or cares enough.
I have got so many disappointments especially in the past five months. One after another. Person after person after person. I do not hate them, but I feel so hurt as none of them seem to recognise that I have feelings.
Besides my responsibility to my parents, I don’t know what I am holding up for.
If only I could leave the world behind. Then, I wouldn’t need anything from this world, I wouldn’t want anything from anyone. I don’t want anything from them as they don’t have anything that I want. And they are also demanding things that I don’t have from me. I have lost hope of ever being able to lead a fulfilled life. I feel so weak. Can I just stop breathing, have my heart stop beating and my brain stop operating?
But I know I need to keep staying alive and meet all those people who are uncaring, unfeeling, demanding and disappointingalmost every day, while I also keep disappointing them, but at the same time hoping that there eventually will be somebody who can understand.
Why can’t I communicate with people?
No one is willing to extend a hand to reach me. And when occasionally a hand appears to raise, it stops and drops off and disappears almost at the same time.
My whole life is going to be filled with moments like these. This thought sometimes pushes me to the brink.
I will fall eventually, when I can bear no more.
I just want some good sleep, and to hold my mood steady so that I won‘t break in front of people who just look on and offer no care or help.