Its hard to describe rejection when it faces you head on, when it stares at you in the face and blindsides you, takes the ultimate swipe at your inner confidence and almost disables your outer composure. You feel the sharp, but to be hidden, intake of breath, you don’t want to let it show on your face. You want him not to notice that you really really care that he said that. And why? Because you can’t make someone make a different choice, its theirs to make, alone. So what would be the point as I sit on the bed in just his shirt and he stares and me and says, “So we’re good, right?” and you want to shout – “NO!” no; ‘we’ aren’t good, you might be but I’m not going to make your guilt feel better by saying ‘ye sure, I totally understand, my mistake!’
And then afterwards the septic thoughts of not being ENOUGH really do flood your brain, the idea that you try and explain to yourself; what do I want? And I realised what I want. And it still hurts. I don’t want to chase love- its more than that; and yet less too. I want someone to say, “YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR ME”. It doesn’t sound too much when you say the words in your mouth, but last night, sitting on the bed, thats what I wanted you to say, “YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR ME”.
I could see all your past hurt, I could even see all your guilt at being so guarded, I could feel all your self-inflicted anguish and I really had to fight back the tears – but they weren’t my tears for me, they were tears of real sympathy. I think your wife that cheated on you was a total piece of shit. I felt almost jealous of the love you clearly had for her and still feel that you must lock yourself away in order to return to some form of self. I could feel a lump in my throat as you said, you both wanted to trust me but couldn’t. You couldn’t possibly get past all the hurt you still harboured. I wanted to take it all away and so I told you, “sure; I respect your choice, lets not make this messy at all and just enjoy it for what it is”
It was bold and raw and passionate and we are both fucked up. You not to see it and me not to be honest and fight a little harder.
If I had a chance, if you would take a chance, I know that my past might make you presume I’d be untrustworthy too, but for you I would make sure that every single day I told you, “you are enough for me”, and keep on saying it until one day I saw a glimmer of hope that perhaps you believed me, and I’d still keep saying it until all your mistrust went away. And I’d take all your misaligned paranoia and I’d be patient with it, I’d be patient over and over and over until you realised “YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR ME” and I’d do it without hope or agenda. Because if I was hurting like that and met someone I connected with emotionally, someone like you, I’d hope you would do the same.
I guess this is like some open-ended prayer. A spiritual wish, a tiny hope with wings. I really hope that my reaction, by saying to you, “You aren’t a shitbag, I think you’re a truly magnificent person” was enough to make you even consider changing your mind. And yes it’s messy, it’s complicated, it’s totally atrociously bad-timing, it’s crazy and impulsive and yet I still hope you change your mind.