• All I wanted was to feel safe…

    by  • March 20, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Disappointment • 0 Comments

    Mathew,
    When I first started university there was really only one thing I wanted. I wanted someone, just one guy to love me, I wanted to feel his arms around me and know that I would always be safe there. I just wanted to know what it felt like to be someone’s number one priority.
    School had never been particularly easy for me and I’d learnt to not trust people. I’d learnt that most people would never put you or your needs before their own. That’s why being loved was the holy grail to me, because that person would be the person I would trust and who would put me first.

    I met you on my very first day, and at a conservative estimate I would say it took about two weeks for my whole world to shift. I no longer wanted to be loved, now I wanted to be loved by you.
    The cruel thing is that it never quite seemed like an impossibility, there was always hope it always seemed like you actually quite liked me. But never enough.

    That was 9 and a half years ago. In those years I’ve learnt a lot of things. I’ve learnt how to let people in just enough so they will call you their friend but still not give them the power to hurt you, I’ve learnt how to give off a seriously unavailable vibe, how to make it clear that my heart is not and never will be on the table. I’ve learnt that actually when it comes down to it the only person who is going to keep you safe is you, I’ve learnt how to be alone without being scared by it.
    Most of all I’ve learnt the cruel irony, that because you were the one I wanted to keep me safe I gave you more power to hurt me than anybody else, and you do. You don’t mean to but you are a largely absent friend, I see you maybe once a year. And every day I don’t see you hurts like hell, every tie you forget my birthday or promise you’re coming to some party and then don’t show up. Those times when I do see you are even worse because you make me promises, wild extravagant promises about how much better you are going to be, and all the fun things you and I are going to do and you never once follow through on those promises.

    You’ve broken me.

    Leave a Reply