I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last week or so. Confronting some hard truths about myself. Today sucked. Alot of feelings I have been suppressing for a long time resurfaced in a big way.
Those feelings are of losing you for good.
I know why I write here now. Yes, there is a bit of a therapeutic quality about it, but I could probably get that writing in a journal or something. I haven’t really questioned why I keep coming back here. My reasons have certainly changed over time. I think I gave up on actually ever reaching you some time ago. I’ve written so many letters here. Throughout them all I’ve basically talked about our entire relationship. How I felt but also specific details. Enough for you to know I was here. But I kept writing long past the point I thought I should’ve gotten your attention. And I’m realizing its because I want so badly to keep this alive, even if just in my own mind. That’s why I come here, this feels like my last connection to you.
You hurt me really bad, over the years and especially at the end. I know you know this, I’m not trying to make you feel shitty about it. The past is the past and I love you just the same. I’ve forgiven you as best I can. Looking back, I guess you were just breaking up with me over and over, but every time it felt like a piece of my soul was dying. The pain is still 100% there. This last week has really brought a lot of it back to the forefront. What it felt like to lose you, time and time again, without ever really having you in the first place. How I felt last summer, when it seemed like my entire world was crashing in around me. The prospect of living the rest of my life without you.
Its terrifying. Paralyzing. I couldn’t even get out of bed today, I felt physically sick. I’m so fucking scared. Maybe I have one more chance to get you back. Maybe. But I know that’s it. The finality of it all is the worst part. Yes, I know that if I do nothing I will never see you again. At least I know that now. But I can keep that hope alive, that someday things will be different. If I try to reach out to you and fail, its game over. Forever. I guess this explains my actions (and mostly inactions) of the last 9 months or so. Thinking about a future without you as even a possibility in it is…i cant even think of a word to really describe it.
Now I’m sure right now you’re thinking “God, I’m so turned on right now. His fear is soooo sexy.” Yeah I understand. AV, honestly, I have never felt good about myself around you. Being with you, or even thinking about you makes me feel weak, inadequate, unworthy, childish, and completely insecure. I don’t know why that is, and I’m not saying its your fault. But that is the truth. That’s not how I normally feel about myself, just around you. Even now I can look back on the last few years and I feel like you are the greatest failure of my life. Not because I fell in love with you, but because that love, to this day, remains unfulfilled. And I feel like that’s all my fault.
I’ve never been strong enough to be with you. I’ve never been brave enough. Here I am, writing another letter to you as further proof of that. But I am not maintaining what has become the status quo between us. This is me writing to you, to tell you I really don’t know what to do. What you asked for, I really don’t know if I can give you that the way you want it. I’m trying. I know that’s not good enough. Im sorry. I guarantee you that I feel worse about that than you do. Even thinking about dialing your number makes me shake. I don’t know that I can even say hello to you, knowing that it might truly be the final goodbye. I figured it out, the word I couldn’t think of before. Hell. My idea of what it is. Not flames and pitchforks. Just absolute nothingness for all eternity. That’s what the rest of my life would be like without even the hope of being with you some day. I’m so fucking scared. And I’m sorry that I’m not the man you deserve.