• For M

    by  • March 18, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I just found out you got stationed in my home country and while I am still living in the U.S., I feel like you getting stationed there is like an invasion of my privacy, even though I realize that you can’t own countries, or states, or even towns and then ban someone else from living there. I don’t know if you are still with the girl that you got engaged to shortly after ending things with me. I don’t know if she moved with you and you are exploring my home together or if you went by yourself. I am almost hoping you went with your (maybe by now) wife. Because it was easier to see you go with her, as she seemed so different from me. Thinking you will marry someone from my home country hurts even more, and I’m not sure why. Maybe because I imagine her to be exactly like me, just better and really sweet with a great family just like yours and you would love her and love her accent like you loved mine and I would no longer be special in your mind. I know to you this was just a break-up, something you had to get out of the way, because you were married before and you had long-time relationships before and even though we lived together it really wasn’t much to you. To me, you were so special. You were the first guy in my almost 30 years of life who ever loved me back but you changed your mind and no longer wanted me around. I feel really small and stupid when I think back now to all the things I did for you. I remember the night before my final exam in that one class that I failed before. You knew me failing the exam would impact my visa status and I was trying to stay home and study, and you went to see a movie with our neighbor. While you were gone, your dogs got so sick and I was so worried about them and at the same time so annoyed because they were sick when I needed to study and I hated myself for feeling this way about them and I felt like a really shitty person. So in the end, I hated myself and the dogs and my life and everything, but not even for a second did I think to hate you or blame you for any of this. Whenever you did something stupid, I always found a way to blame it on myself. I was always scared that the one person who loved me would change his mind about me if I wasn’t perfect and if I let you down.
    And when I did graduate I remember you said you’d pay for me to get my nails done and I remember that I wanted to seem really low maintenance to you so I said no. It never occurred to me that this was a weird gift for someone who just graduated. And when you deployed, I tried so hard to make you happy and to keep you loving me. I would write you emails every night so you would know that I was home, because your ex-wife wouldn’t be and I wanted to reassure you that there was nothing to worry about with me. In retrospect, I don’t think you read them. You may have skimmed over them. I spent so much money buying you presents and sending you things, never even THINKING you should do something for me. I know that even if you are deployed there are ways you can show your love for someone, but me, never having gotten anything from a man, didn’t expect any presents from you. I remember you really got into working out and I was being as supportive as possible. You worked out every day of the week except for one. And when I asked you to switch your off day to Sunday, because that was the only day of the week my bitch boss did not make me work, you said you can’t, because the guy who was helping you with the workouts took off Tuesdays or Wednesdays or whatever. I remember me saying “ah, I see, ok, that makes sense” and I feel so sorry for myself now thinking back, because it really did make sense to me then. I guess I didn’t even think that there are men who would schedule their workout plans to their girlfriend’s schedule or leave the gym 10 minutes early so they can call their girlfriends at home before they go to bed. There were also men who had cell phone plans that allowed them to text their loved ones at home. When I told you about that all excited, you said you know, but you just didn’t get one. I remember that hurt me, but I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t wanna make your deployment harder for you. When you came back on R & R, you brought me a necklace and earrings. They were red because apparently my birth stone is. I never told you this, but I actually hate red. The reason why I bought us red bedding is because red is your favorite color. My favorite color is green and blue, but I got lots of red things because I wanted to turn your house into a home where you would feel happy and comfortable. I forgot all about myself being with you, but since I didn’t really value myself in the first place then, it really didn’t matter. I always thought I must try extra hard to be loved. When your kids visited, you bought them these weird cans where you can spray those foam things around. You did that and in the end the shit was everywhere and you all sat on the couch and played video games and I scraped the shit off the walls. And again, I didn’t feel that this made you a dick. At all. I was really sad that night but I never thought any of it was your fault, I just thought I’d had to try harder to remind you of how great I am, because you were starting to say things like “I don’t know what I want”. In the end, you did know what you wanted and broke up with me. I was so broken. It was so hard to sit in your house with you going back to Afghanistan and watching the dogs. I hoped every day that you would change your mind and tell me you missed me and when I moved far away because you were coming back, I left you my couches and the bedding and hoped that your house would feel empty without me. I hoped for so long that you would call me and tell me you were sorry and that you wanted me back. But you never did. And one day, not too long after you got back from Afghanistan, someone told me you had gotten engaged. My heart broke into a million pieces, because in my mind, you were missing me as much as I missed you. I always wondered if that was the reason you broke up with me, since she is a soldier, too, you must have met her in Afghanistan. So maybe you fell in love with her and you didn’t want to tell me because you didn’t want to hurt me. I felt that in the past two years, I am doing so much better for myself. I actually get oil changes now, which, as you know, is pretty fucking special for me. I also just vacuumed earlier, something I didn’t do when you left and I fell apart. Oh, and I am almost done getting my Master’s degree and I actually have amazing grades and my professors like me. I realize I have come a long way, but you have always remained a touchy subject. I never looked at your facebook or anything. I don’t think I could handle seeing your fiancee (or wife) or girlfriend or anything. A description over the phone that I got the night I found out about your engagement was sufficient. I don’t need to hurt myself even more. And now you are in my home country and it’s been so long and you never called and you never texted and you never sent a letter or an email and why should you. In my mind, you were so beautiful, even though I know better, but I guess, none of the shit you ever said or did was enough for me to make me realize that anyone, even myself (if I think low of myself) could do better than you. You are a really bad dog owner. I am so glad I have your dogs. I would have rather put them to sleep before leaving them to you, because I knew you didn’t give a fuck about them. I know you would have put them on craigslist and given them to the first guy who showed up with 150 bucks in their hands. So that is my one little triumph. Other than that, I feel so uneasy picturing you in my home country. It makes so so uncomfortable. I know, the country is big and we will never meet, even if I go there, but for some reason, I feel like this is MY home and I don’t want you to know it better than I did and I don’t want you to travel around with a girl who is like me and you love her and marry her and I am still here, still kicking and still single, while you have found your love and I am nothing in your mind but a long-lost memory of a girl who held your hand during a difficult time. Like a friend from your past who you think of sometimes, like, oh, yeah, she was nice! I remember her! I think I was just too weak. And I think I still kinda am. Because I was always scared. Scared of losing you, scared of not being loved, scared of you leaving me. I hid it really, really well, I think, I don’t think you ever knew the true size of my pain and my fear. I don’t think you know that I still think of you and that you left a huge impact on me. And that losing you cut deeper for me because I am so scared of not being loved. You are still so present in my heart and I am just a memory to you. And it hurts to think that’s all I ever was, a friend, someone to make you feel better after others had treated you like shit and now that you are better, you move on and now you are truly happy with the girl of your dreams walking around where I came from, while I am sitting on the other side of the world, wondering why it just couldn’t be me for you and why it’s never me for anyone.

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