• This Is Why I Wanted ‘Slow’

    by  • March 15, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    You were my very first heartbreak. I don’t want to sound dramatic and trite and silly, but it’s true. The moment I met you, I knew you were going to be a part of my life in a big way. You made me mixed CDs. You understood my humor, I (mostly) understood yours, though some of your jokes are admittedly way over my head, even though you’re convinced I’m smarter than you. You complimented me all the time. You called me beautiful when I knew my hair was a mess, especially after I lost my hairband in your bed.
    You had been my first heartbreak, but here we were, five years later, and you’re still in my life. We decided to re-try, though we didn’t say it in those words. It’s the unspoken truth between us, that you knew you had broken my heart when you told me “I love you, I just don’t LOVE you” and had chosen the other girl. The girl you had been chasing for years. The girl that had broken your heart. It will always be a sore subject for us. Every time I think of that time in my life, I cringe. I had been so caught up in you, and then so caught off guard by your ending it that I lost myself. Lost myself for a very long time. And then here you are again, telling me you have changed and are better.
    I told you I wanted to take it slow.
    I told you I wanted to make sure my heart never gets broken by you like that again. You terrify me.
    And then, not long after, I was back in your arms, in your bed, and we were no longer taking it very slow.
    My clothes off, my body trembling, you kissed me like you meant it and I got scared. I shut down. I am terrified of you hurting me again. It brought me back because I now finally re-feel those feelings I felt for you before The Event. Before my first heartbreak.
    So don’t be mad at me for frowning when I should have been smiling, or being quiet when I should have screamed. My body is shutting down to avoid another heartbreak by you, and honestly, can you blame it?
    It’s scary to feel so vulnerable again. Scary to be able to be hurt again. And I don’t know if I’m completely over it. The feelings are still there from that time.
    This is why I wanted to take it slow, I realized. So that I could avoid this conversation. But now that I know how I feel about you — and it’s the same it was before, and honestly, probably never really changed — it’s too scary to confront.

    Leave a Reply