• Father, Son

    by  • March 15, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 2 Comments

    I have been extremely depressed lately. I’ll go to send a message, letter, or a phone call to a friend or family member to talk to them about this depression that has been haunting me for as long as I can remember, but I always end up hanging up, deleting the message or throwing away the letter. My dad died a few years ago. The information of his death was held from me for a few months, so I missed any service or visits to the hospital to say goodbye. My dad and I weren’t that close, but we had the same sick sense of humor and hatred towards the outside world. I learned to mask my depression with making others laugh from him, which is a curse and a blessing. I have been hiding from this extreme depression for a while. I’ll tell people that are depressed that things aren’t that bad, and I’ve been told that I’m an inspiration. Inside I know that everything is not alright, I’m still just a homeless, jobless, depressed, parasite on this world. I quit drinking for 2 1/2 years, I didn’t even drink with the news that my father passed. I didn’t drink when my ex stole 4500 dollars from my dad’s inheritance and left me homeless, took the cats, bought a new car, took all the laser discs, and broke my heart. I bought a ring for this woman, asked her family for their blessing and moved 2000 miles away from my friends. That woman broke me, but I didn’t drink. I felt that it was my duty to show others that you didn’t have to drink your depression away. Just take the hit with a smile and a step forward. As I write this I am drinking a forty, listening to ‘Father, Son’ by Peter Gabriel on repeat and thinking about where I should go next. I can sleep on couches for the rest of my life or just accept the fact that I am destined to be on the streets begging for change to buy a forty, some rollies, and maybe a bag of peanuts. I know this letter is all over the place and has no point, but it was therapeutic. Thank you to anyone who read.

    2 Responses to Father, Son

    1. So
      March 15, 2015 at 5:26 pm

      So. That’s it ? You’re going to just accept it. I don’t know you at all but I believe you are better than that. That’s not a destiny that’s hell. I know what it is like to take a hit and just smile. I hope you get a chance to cry to have a good cry. Only then will things get better because right now you are paralyzed by pain and it’s blocking the great person you were put on earth to be. And just because you drinking in a weak moment doesn’t mean you’re a failure, just stop drinking forties it’s enough chemicals in it to kill you. Contact someone that you trust and believes in you, don’t deal with depression alone.

    2. Keep on.
      March 16, 2015 at 4:07 am

      Keep on moving forwards. I understand that deaths, and romantic losses can destroy us. Funny (or not really) but i have been where you are, depression but hiding it, knowing it but putting the fake smile on and getting on. And any good thing should be good but it isn’t is it.
      Only those who know, really know. So how can you deal with it. I think there is something missing, maybe the love, maybe the family and friends. A job a goal, whatever, the only way is to start the ball rolling.
      So get up off the couch, talk to the couches owner, how long may i stay, if a short while, ask around nearby other friends. Then go looking for a job. You’re at the bottom so what else can go wrong, so just walk into places, tell them you’re willing to work and work well, and hard. Don’t aim for a job you will despise but something you think, “Yeah, i could do that, and not hate it” better even if there’s things you want to do.
      But initially get any job you can so long as you won’t hate it.
      Then save some dollar. Don’t let anyone have access to your bank account or money, do give some to help out on costs for those putting you up, but save as much as you can.
      Take up something to keep you fit, running,swimming, cycling.
      And start thinking what you really want as a job/career or end goal.
      Then do a course,switch jobs, offer to do work for free one day a week just to get the experience or skill.
      Look for a place of your own, a small place but somewhere you feel safe,comfortable in.
      Then socialise, don’t drink to get drunk, better yet don’t drink at all, if you don’t need to then don’t.
      Get some books learn a language, learn a skill, learn something.
      Now all this may take a year or more to all happen but once you are doing all the above, keep on.
      And another year later look back and see what you are.

      You will be working, have money in the bank,be fit and strong, be at least partially speaking another language, or know how to play an instrument, or know something about physics or history or whatever it was you chose to learn.
      You’ll have friends, and you will be happier in some ways.
      Then you will find even if the depression is still there, its effects are less.
      And then, keep on.
      Do a favour or some thank you to those people whose couches were your home. Help a random homeless person get on their feet.
      And start gettingon the dating scene, and when you do take it slow, and let them prove themselves, and also, before you commit, ask yourself if you really really want this person, and if so, do you totally trust them.
      Then keep on. Making the relationship work, dig in and push forward at work, the skill or experience or course you needed to get the career you want, you should have that by now and be in the job you really enjoy, with theperson you love, and in a home you like, and feel good forrepaying the kindness of others and helping others who are in the boat you once were.

      Just keep on pushing forwards one step at a time however small.

      Or, keep on drinking the forties, and the route you follow is in forty more years, if you are still alive, is you’ll still be drinking them,homeless,jobless.

      You can do it though, it is hard, weary aching, numbingly hard. But keep on and you can and will do it all.

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