03:15 And the agonizing sharp pain awakes me once more…
I’m trying 2 not think of the pain by just writing and maybe it will help.. So iv just been through a tough surgery and I’m soo grateful 2b alive..I’m proud of myself 4 making it coz I didn’t think I would..
Recovery is always a mother fuckn bitch! I have never felt pains this bad before that my entire body sweats so bad it gets.It feels like sum1 took a huge brick n banged it continuously on my chest. Iv asked the nurses to stop giving me so much morphine 4 awhile because it makes me sick and iv been sleeping 4 3days straight.however I don’t think I can handle this pain much longer so I gota ask 4 something which will probably knock me out soon again. Everyones asleep now that I wana b awake in the middle of the night, great!
Iv made a promise 2myself that this will be my last operation I’ll ever go 4 again.. I’m almost 30 years of age and iv had so many ops I lost count..so what ever happens from here,good or bad I’m letting it be,but No more cutting on my body…this is it..!
I know I’m not the healthiest guy like I use 2 be before and iv accepted that. Iv accepted what my Creator has given me and have been doing my best to live a “normal” life. I guess this is what makes me different.
I couldn’t have asked 4 a better person in the world than My sister! I don’t think I’ll ever b able to repair her 4 what she does 4me..Words will never b enough 2 express my love and gratitude towards her,Shes my life!
I’m grateful 4 my Mom being here 2,its not always the case.. I know she’s tryn very hard with me,she’s stop her shit and also tryn 2 stay on the right path..I’m happy n proud of her 4that.However I’m just not letting her in so fast and I don’t reach out 2her the way she wants me 2,I’m not as loving with her… I don’t think I ever will 2.. Yes I can forgive easily, n I forgave her 4 all she’s done 2me these past years..But I will never again b able 2 trust her n see her the way I use 2. I’m so sorry mummy,I know u doing ur best n I appreciate it but unfortunately the damage uv done was way too big 4 me 2 ever b the same again.. I will Always Love u til the day I die,U stil my mom,Jannah lies under ur feet.. I will never disrespect or treat u bad… I will always b there when u need me or when u not well.. I will fullfil my duties as ur child towards u.. But even though I will never ever tell u this or ever bring it up…There’s a part of me u broke into pieces and it wil never heal again.. Never… And that’s the saddest part of it all..
Its very very seldom I will really speak about how I feel esp when I’m sad or down.. I usually Just keep those emotions 2myself n just pretend nothings wrong,with everyone.. I hate feeling like a burden 2 people or make it seem like I want sympathy from others.I hate that! Hence y iv been keeping it all in for years n years… Sometimes it helps,sometimes it don’t… But what has hurt me thee most out of everything uv done 2 me mom, is the way uv humiliated me by people and the hurtful things uv spoke about me ur own child… N wen u wished me bad n dead..THAT is what KILLED me inside the most 4 all this years.. Iv never told anyone ever, its the 1st time I even write it on here… I could take the abuse, the negligence, the rudeness, the addiction, the abandonment, the divorce, the stealing, the lies, I could take ALL that n still stand strong but the humiliation destroyed me more than ul know… I’m typing this with tears rolling down my eyes.. Becoz 4 soo long I kept it inside.. 4 so long I tried 2 cover it up n try to forget about it..but it just never ever went away… I wish with all my heart I could take it away and everything will b the way it should,but unfortunately I can’t..
Maybe 1day Just Maybe,I will be the Son U want me to be…