What do I say?
I’m disappointed. Really disappointed. For months now I’ve been looking forward to this. Not for the obvious reasons. I mean, yes, this is always something I look forward to, But after what most of 2014 was between us, mostly nothing, I thought this was a definite opportunity for you to show me that you love me. Its hard ya know. I really dont feel like that very often. When I do, its amazing, But most of the time it sucks. Just wanting to see your face again and feeling like that will never happen. Was it expecting too much for just a little recognition? Just a little sign that you were thinking of me. Silence. I’m not surprised. Just disappointed. See, thats the funny thing, how you feel that I’m just a negative human being. I’m the most optimistic person you will ever meet. Maybe thats a bad thing though, because it means I’m almost constantly disappointed with how things turn out.
But I should be used to it with you right? Isn’t that what you want? For me to expect nothing? For me to truly understand what you meant when you said “You are entitled to nothing.” You have no idea how much it pisses me off that most of my evidence that you love me came during the summer of 13. Almost two years ago. When I was gone and you brought me back. And I was so happy. Ive said it before, but I was fucking crying I was so happy I wasn’t wrong about you. About us.
Looking back, alot of it makes sense. Age and experience have brought me a little more wisdom. Just a little bit. Honestly, I think you fucked up. I wasn’t perfect, but if you really love me the way you wanted me to believe why didn’t you fight for us. Fighting with me is not fighting for us. Its fighting for yourself. I didn’t do a good job of it either, and I imagine that is one of the biggest reasons we’re not together: neither of us could fight for the other.
At this point, hopefully you know who this is from and who it is to. Just in case though, let me make it real clear: Your name is Antoinette. My name is Eric. Whew! why has that been so hard? Yeah so, if youre here, you know its you. And I have a lot of reason to believe you are, but no real hard proof. Thats just how you work.
You made me so happy. Just being with you. I’ve never felt that way before. I KNOW I loved you. And I know I still do. This has to be what true love feels like. I can be attracted to other women. I can enjoy the company of other women. But its just not the same. Not even close. I love you. Only you. Maybe you believe differently, but I swear whatever Ive ever felt for any woman, it pales in comparison to how I feel about you. How many times have I had the chance to turn away and never look back, and here I am, still trying.
You dont have to be perfect. Im sorry if you feel like thats the expectation I put on you. I know I idealize you alot. Thats not fair. I just hope you know it was always coming from a place of sheer love and admiration. I wanna be imperfect with you. Can we each accept each others flaws? That sounds really nice to me.
But I dont know what your really want from me at all. I too feel like I am placed under ridiculous expectations. By you. By your family. By “my” (read: your) friend. You think I know how to handle all this? I’ve figured some of it out, slowly, and generally way too late. Sometimes I wonder, if we were the same age, hence I was older when I met you, would that have changed everything? A little more age and experience? I mean, I’ve tried to grow up faster, but you’ll always be older than me. If we reconnect 10 years from now, you’ll be just as much older than me then as you are now. Maybe a little more understanding? Please?
I don’t think I have many letters left in em, :), Im afraid I cant do this much more. You have a huge impact on my life. That can be a good thing, because I really do feel like you’re the missing piece. But it can also be a bad thing, like when I’m waiting for you to come back.
And, what, does that make me a pussy? Yeah, I remember once, you almost straight out called me a pussy. I guess you slipped up a bit. Its a little ironic really, because I know that you think you can get away with shit like that because you’re so tough and you could take me if it came down to it emotionally or physically. Well you’re wrong. I let you treat me the way you do because I probably have some deep seeded mommy-didnt love me-shit and you know that. I know you got daddy shit, i dont fucking use that against you.
I love you, as of the very second I’m writing this. I want you to know that. I’ve never fallen out of love with you, and I dont think I truly ever will. I miss you so much. You mean the world to me and it hurt so much when it seems like you dont feel the same. And thats what it feels like right now.