• A year ago today

    by  • March 9, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 0 Comments

    A year ago today, we had just broken up. God. I remember hoping it was just a dream. But i knew better. I could feel the finality in it, as i threw your things at you. I wanted you and i to work. I wanted you to stay. But i knew we couldnt. For days, weeks, months, i entertained the idea that we could go back to the way it was. Over the summer, i spent time recovering but you said you still wanted me. And i fell for it all over again. You had changed again. I thought for good. But you let me down with Abbie. You really did, with that tattoo. But i still loved you. Then after that football game, you spent the night. I remembered what it felt like to be in your arms. I was in denial. I was making new memories. But i was still, still so in love with the idea of you. I still wanted you and your house and your farm and your family, flaws and all. When you hurt me on christmas eve, when you did that to me. I knew it was time to let go. And i did so well for awhile there, not talking to you. I dont know what posessed me to talk to you on state pattys but i did it regardless. And that whole week was a wreck. I felt weird and unworthy and i wasnt living for me again. It was the strangest thing. I started living around your life, your text, all over again. But this time i hated it. And then, when you were jealous. You slipped about Abbie, confirming all of my jealous fears. And i just had it. I thought we could be friends. But i am never going to love you. I am never going to be able to be your friend. And thats sad because were two great people. But you were horrible to me. And i refuse to dismiss that any longer. And moreover, i was horrible to myself. No one is going to love me the way i will. I know that now. It just sucks i had to find out through you. So. I wish you well, but i dont wish to talk to you ever again. Somehow i tink i needed this past week to experiment and see if i could be your friend or really what was up. But my god. I cant to it. Im not equipped for the ridiculousness and craziness that would ensue. We both deserve to be happy. But i dont care about your happiness. I just care that i find mine. So goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my almost husband. I will remember you.

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