You will never see this unsent letter and although we may never see one another again, it is with love and compassion and sincerity that I write it.
Although the distance I put between us in recent weeks may have been difficult for both of us I felt it necessary as we were hurting one another more and more. The more we hurt one another the angrier the both of us became and the more we hurt one another. It was a negative cycle. The love that we once shared was becoming a distant memory and being replaced with the ugly toxic consequences of anger and frustration and hurt and pain. This is not how I want to view you, or anyone else, including myself.
I can’t speak for you but I cannot continue to hold on to anger and hurt and all the negative emotions that are harmful to the person I want to be and I certainly have no desire to continue to allow my own emotions to harm another.
It is easy for me to forgive those who I once viewed as causing me pain and suffering as the reality is that I allowed the emotions of pain and suffering to impact on me and I allowed myself to emotionally react to them. In reality, I inflicted pain and suffering on myself and not at the hands of another. In reacting as I did I inflicted pain and suffering on others and for that I am sincerely sorry. Forgiving myself is somewhat of a more difficult pill to swallow.
I have decided to try and let go of past hurts and the negative consequences of them as everyone has endured and suffered too much already.
We are all worthy human beings and as such for me to hold onto what has transpired to date would only continue to diminish our worth as human beings.
During our worst times I became so emotionally reactive that I increased the hurt and the pain and the anger and although this was never intentional it hurt others. What matters to me now is that I re-establish the person I need to be and the person I want to be.
I have made many poor decisions based on emotional reactions to situations and I need to personally address this, which I have been doing for the past weeks by reflecting on myself, and my interactions with the world. I will continue to work on this.
I know that I am rambling and that all of this may seem irrelevant but you recently asked me to talk with you as a human being and I’m trying to do just that. I can’t make judgements about you, as I have no knowledge or understanding of you, who you are, what you feel, how you view the world or what you want. I may have believed once that I did know these things but that was so arrogant of me as I only have understanding of and insight into myself. I only have understanding of who I am, what I feel and how I view the world. I once believed that I could make others happy but that too was arrogant of me as the only person I am capable of generating happiness for is myself and I previously failed with that too.
I can’t presume to know what will create happiness for others when I lost my own inner sense of peace and happiness. The saddest part of this for me is knowing that my loss of my inner peace and happiness caused unhappiness and suffering for others. For this I am sincerely sorry.
I based who I became on my own reactions to situations instead of the love and compassion I once held as the basis of who I was and who I wanted to be. Who I became was dependent on situations and circumstances that surrounded me and I can’t do that anymore.
When I look at what I’ve become over the past several years (before I met you) I can see that I got so caught up in injustices in the world that I become opinionated, and angry and resentful of what I see human beings doing to each other. I became judgemental, and depressed with all these negative emotions. Regardless of how much I wanted to help others, my own crippling reactions to all these injustices have prevented me from doing anything to create positive outcomes for anyone. All it did was make me someone I didn’t want to be. It harmed me and it harmed others.
In the past, long before I met you I engaged in the teachings of the Dalai Lama and at that time I was so less reactive to stressful situations. I rarely became angry or hurt and I was more in control of my own emotions and more mindful of others, my interactions with others and my reactions to others. I didn’t become frustrated or annoyed or angry. Problems were not viewed by me as problems, but rather opportunities to learn and to grow. I used to view rude and hurtful individuals as simply individuals who were suffering themselves and who unintentionally allowed their suffering to overflow onto others. I was more compassionate and understanding and caring. I need to find this place again. I need to be this person again not only for myself but for everyone.
In the past weeks I have re-commenced my interest in the teachings of the Dalai Lama as it has worked for me in the past and I am now re-establishing who I want to be and who I need to be. It is not for everyone but it worked for me so I will continue down this path.
In order for me to do this it is essential to remain in the present and not dwell in mistakes of the past. They cannot be “undone” so there is no benefit for me to dwell on them as to do so would inflict more pain and suffering on myself and on others.
This takes time and I know that I will make more mistakes as I try and be the person I once was but I’m concentrating my efforts on achieving this for the good of all.
The only expectations I have are those I place on myself, as I only know what I want to do, what I want to achieve, what I feel or choose to feel in life.
This doesn’t change the fact that I love you and always will. Yes, I still constantly think about you. I wake up every morning and the first thing I think of is you. When I go to bed at night the last thing I think about is you. When “L” (my autistic son) got his Learner’s Permit the first person I wanted to tell was you. When I had a suspected heart attack a few weeks ago when I was being rushed to the hospital the first person I thought of was you and how I wouldn’t get to say goodbye or say how sorry I am. I kept thinking about how the last time you saw me I was overflowing with anger and hurt and a sense of betrayal and how that would have created more suffering for you.
The difference now is that thinking about you does not invoke anger or frustration or any negative emotions. It invokes a desire for your happiness. It invokes more love and compassion. It invokes a desire for your suffering to cease. It invokes a overwhelming sense of calm and love that I cannot adequately describe.
Now when I think of you I smile. I feel your embrace. I feel your warm heart and the love and compassion that I know is you. This is how I see you now and whether or not I ever see you again I choose to view and feel for you in this way. You will always be the decent, loving, compassionate human being who is so worthy and deserving of happiness, peace, love and free from suffering.
This is how I want my thoughts of you to be for me and my current journey is what has created this for me. It is one thing to speak words of love, kindness and compassion and to action love, kindness and compassion but it starts with conscious thoughts of love, kindness and compassion so that is where I’ve started. These thoughts cannot co-exist with anger, hurt, frustration, hatred or ill will towards others so I have made a conscious effort to eliminate these divisional and destructive thoughts as they only bring further suffering for everyone including me. This is who I choose to be and how I choose to think.
With patience and practice and effort on my part this is the journey I have chosen and although I know that under duress I may stumble at times, I never want afflictive emotions to overflow onto others or cause suffering for anyone.
I do not regret what transpired between us as it has led me to where I am and where I am going. I would never have imagined that your betrayal of me with other women would lead me to this but in all sincerity, I thank you. I thank you because it has shown me that it is not others who hurt us but our own thoughts that invoke negative and destructive emotions. I no longer view your decision to betray me with other women as you inflicting suffering on me. I see it for what it is – an overflow of your own suffering and inflicting more suffering on yourself. Punishing an individual for their own suffering is not helpful for anyone and I choose not to allow your inner suffering to cause suffering for me.
My only regret is that I do not have the capacity to ease your suffering.