• Everything I will never say (a bit more)

    by  • March 7, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    Dear R. I think the title was a bit misleading, as that wasn’t ‘everything’ I will never say. Maybe it should have read ‘chapter 1’. Not that it matters as let’s face it I’m writing this on an anonymous site and you will never read it! It is quite therapeutic though so I’m thinking I’ll keep writing on here to get it all out of my head (and heart) and maybe I can make sense of it and move on, even if that is the last thing I want to do. I know I could/should talk to you but I know in my own mind all the reasons that’s not likely to happen and I don’t actually think you want me to talk to you about it either … you pretty much said that to me the last time we had a conversation about our feelings “it would change things if we said it” … well yes it would but that was a change I wanted to make and you clearly didn’t.
    I want to tell you so much … and I might have done not too long ago as I was starting to think you felt the same, but because of what you said I’m too scared to say it now. I don’t think you want to hear it and I don’t get the impression that you even care that much about me deep down. I wish I knew whether that was the case, or whether you do actually love me? I’m fairly sure that if I didn’t word it quite right it would backfire on me big time (and let’s face it I seem pretty good at wording things wrongly with you and making you fed up, angry and shut off from me even more). There’s part of me that desperately wants to know one way or another how you really feel and part of me that just wants to shut myself away and not feel anything either way. The thing is though I can’t do that with you, I love you far more than I ever thought I would, I miss you and think about you every minute I’m not with you and want to be with you – properly be with you. But that’s not going to happen and maybe I just need to accept that, I’m as sure as I can be that you wouldn’t be with me or want to be with me. I could carry on with things the way they are if I knew that you loved me, but you won’t tell me that either. You gave me the impression it was because you are scared to tell me, but now I’m thinking that you actually don’t feel that way about me anyway. To be honest I have no idea how you do feel about me and nothing you do or say generally makes me feel important to you these days. I try to initiate conversations about it but you don’t seem to want to carry them on. It’s starting to feel like hard work trying to communicate with you, I guess that must mean it’s not something you really care about any more … Unless you tell me otherwise of course which you clearly aren’t going to do. Deep down I’m really really confused and I know I should talk to you but I can’t … and there’s never a right time to anyway. I love you, that won’t change. I just wish I had the security of knowing you loved me, it would make the rest of this situation seem more bearable because real, true love wouldn’t change would it. If I knew you loved me I wouldn’t worry that whenever you are quiet you were likely to just cut me off like you did before, love is different, deeper and more permanent and I could rely on that if you felt it. I can’t rely on anything at the moment and it might seem so stupid to you; you thought you had sent a message to me but you hadn’t (you didn’t bother to check when I didn’t reply and how can you forget whether you’ve sent something if that person is actually of any real importance to you!?), you hardly ever message me and when you do I feel like an imposition, you don’t seem bothered about not seeing me, you don’t even remember when my birthday is (well it’s important to me!) I guess there’s a chance all of this is completely different to the way I think it is … But I’m only human and I’m not confident or conceited enough to believe someone loves me against all visible evidence. I need to hear it … and I never do. Ah well, boring ramble no. 2 over … I wish I felt like it was helping more :(. Txxx

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