• Always Known Anyway

    by  • March 7, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I have, deep down, always known that I do not mean that much to you. But I always hope anyway because you are my entire world. I do not say that lightly. I wish that it was a simple story such as I am a teenage girl chasing after some boy who I have a crush on, but no. This is intense, passionate, and you are not a boy I have a crush on. Every time I walk outside, every time I take a breath, when I close my eyes, there is just you. When I see you everything in me jumps, not with those butterflies. But my heart and soul and everything in between feels and loves your presence. I look at you with a million words I have wanted to say for almost five years now. There is no one else in this entire universe that I see myself loving so wholeheartedly as I love you. Actually, I don’t love you. It is something way more then that and it has been for a long time. I look at you and see everything that you are. You are beautiful, charismatic, funny, and you have this special something that is built into your blood, your skin. I then look at myself as the person I must look like to you. There is a huge difference. There is nothing more that I want then for you to be able to see the real me, not the me I am when I’m overwhelmed being in this sea of people that I know mean much more then me. I try to believe that deep down when you look at me the way you do that I mean more to you then anyone else. But I also know that this isn’t true. You are the most important person in all of creation, and I am this speck of dust floating through the air lifelessly and will continue to be that way. I don’t understand this. I never have. Why can’t this be a normal situation? Why do I love someone so far out of reach? Because this means so much. Its breaking the balance, these feelings. They are a wildfire, spreading, destroying everything inside of me. It continues. Its growing. My forest will be destroyed. You are like the ocean, which is eternal and beautiful and comforting. Why don’t you just taste the storm and put out my fire? What the hell are you waiting for? Oh yeah, that’s right. I will just continue to be this lonely girl laying in my bed longing for someone or something that will never be mine. If you were here with me right now, in the ways I want you to be, not just here in the ways you always are. But here with me, WITH me, I’d lay right next to you and look you straight in the eye and tell you what an asshole you are for making me feel this way about you but then I’d kiss you right on the mouth, hard, and whisper in your ear how much I adore you. I adore you. All of you. I’d never ever let go because you are literally my life force. My actual life force. The whole time I was sick I wanted to kill myself. And honestly, I would’ve if I didn’t love you so much. I convinced myself that you loved me. But how could you? You are a rose and I am simply a weed, something everyone wants to get rid of. But oh god, I just want you. I can’t make it stop, either. And oh, how I’ve tried to push you aside. But you are also like a weed, my rose, because you keep coming into my mind even when I’ve pulled you so many times.

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